- In the early stages of dating, of course
we want to get a guy absolutely hooked on us.
You want the guy that you like
to be completely hooked on you.
And when you understand the primitive wiring
of your mind, and indeed their mind too,
you can learn to make a guy feel addicted to you.
And I'm going to give you some tips to use
so you can secure the relationship that you desire.
We're all wired to want to find a partner.
After all, if you were marooned on a desert island,
you only look for three things; food, shelter, procreation.
Having a partner, someone who's got your back,
someone to share your life with is a wonderful thing.
It's why all those songs about, "I've found the one,
"and found the one I'm looking for, and you complete me."
So it's actually quite normal to want
to have somebody want you,
to want someone to be totally in love with you,
to sing the words like Billy Joel and Barry White,
"I love you just the way you are."
And some women particularly have
this belief that, "To find love, I've got to earn it,
"chase it, work for it, run after it,
"and change myself. To get a guy hooked on me,
"I've got to have things injected in and snipped off."
There is nothing for you to add, or indeed take away
from yourself, in order to find love.
You need to understand that men are very different to women.
And I can only tell you the truth; men are wired to pursue.
After all, they're a hunter, and they like to go out and hunt
and come back with a prize.
And when a man believes that you are the prize,
they will go after you.
And that's why you need to understand
a little psychology in dating.
So if you meet a man on the first date
and you make them dinner and you're so eager
to please and you hang on their every word,
that is a huge mistake, because they're not pursuing you,
you're making it too easy.
So when you're first starting to date,
and I know you've probably heard this everywhere,
do not be too available, do not be too eager.
See someone, have a wonderful time, but also
do not reveal everything about yourself, keep a lot back,
be a little mysterious, make that person want to see you again.
Remember, they're a hunter. You're not prey,
but men need to work for something. They need to feel,
"I earned this, I've got this."
I work with so many celebrities
who get rid of everything they have,
and they'll always say the same thing,
"You know, I just wrote those song lyrics and got so much money,
"but I never felt I earned it.
"It was given to me on a plate."
I see that with people who've inherited,
"Well, I just got it.
"I never felt worthy of it, and I got rid of it all."
So if you understand that 70% of lottery winners
go dead broke because of that same belief,
"I didn't earn this; it just came to me easily
"and now I unconsciously need to get rid of it."
Understand that the man you are dating needs to feel
that you are a prize worth pursuing.
He must earn your affection, earn your time, earn your love.
And you might go, "Well, I don't want to play games."
But it's not a game; it's about having your sense of...
And I give you an idea about, must be at least 20 years ago,
I met somebody somewhere, and he called me and went,
"Hey, I thought I'd come around and bring a pizza."
I'm like, "Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not a student.
"I'm not going to do that.
"You need to ask someone else."
And he said, "Oh, yeah, right.
"Okay, can I take you out for pizza?"
I said, "No, it's okay.
"I don't eat pizza."
And I wasn't being arrogant.
I was saying, "If you think that's all I'm worth,
"you're going to turn up at my house and bring a pizza.
"No, no, no, no, no.
"And I'm not even going out for a pizza on a first date
"with you because I have enough sense of myself.
"You can take me out to dinner.
"It's not even about spending the money,
"you can make an effort.
"If you don't want to make an effort, then you can't be with me."
Because I decided to believe I was a prize worth having.
You might think, "Well, that's big headed, that's arrogant,"
but it absolutely worked.
He made a huge effort.
And when you're dating, you need to understand
that we like to believe we are worth it.
Think of that L'Oreal ad, "But I'm worth it."
One of the most successful adverts in the world.
It makes women spend more money
on products because they believe, "I'm worth it."
So when you're in the dating arena, and if you're talking
to people online, don't spend hours and hours doing that.
Say, "I'm really busy, I've got a couple of minutes
"to speak to you.
"I'm doing other things."
Don't be too available.
Don't be available at the weekends.
And when a guy says, "Well, what do you want to do?"
You go, "Oh, I want to do what you do.
"I want to be where you are. I'll do anything to be with you.
"I just like being with you,"
you can say that later.
Of course, when you're with somebody, you can go,
"I just want to be with you."
I've said that many of times, when I've said,
"I just want to be with you."
But I would never say that in the beginning.
Never be too available.
Don't even be too agreeable.
Years ago, my daughter said, "Mommy, how you make
"a boy like you?"
I said, "Disagree with everything they say.
"They say they like smoking,
"say, 'That's a stupid thing, I would never smoke.'
"Be a prize.
"Don't go, 'Oh yeah, I like smoking.
"'It's really cool.
"'Yeah, I like that.'
"Have your own opinion and don't be scared of sharing it."
So the first thing to understand is that a man is a hunter.
You can deny it; you can go, "That's not right."
We are modern people with primitive wiring,
and men are programmed to chase the prize,
to get it, to come home.
After all, every fairy story in the world
is about the guy that goes away,
slays the dragon, and comes back with a princess.
Every culture has a variation of that story.
And what that is saying is, "A man must go away,
"slay his emotional dragons, grow up,
"and come back with a prize, the beautiful princess."
Second thing is, and Maya Angelou said this so well,
"People won't remember what you did,
"they won't remember what you said,
"they will remember how you made them feel."
And that's important; a guy will like you
and want to be with you if you make him feel good.
And people say, "Oh, I just feel so good around you.
"I feel that we fit.
"I feel so relaxed when I'm with you.
"I feel happy when I'm...
"You make me feel wonderful.
"You make me feel amazing.
"You make me feel sexy.
"You make me feel incredible."
So we like people who make us feel good.
And again, when you are making
a man pursue you, he's feeling good.
And when you're with that man,
do everything you can to make him feel good
without losing yourself.
You can laugh at their jokes.
You can get engaged with them.
And be aware when you're dating,
how does the conversation go backwards and forwards?
How much are you listening?
How much are you talking?
It needs to be equal.
Don't just listen and let someone talk about themselves.
Be yourself, be the best you.
And if you go on a date believing, "I'm amazing,
"I'm a prize worth having, I've got something incredible
"to offer the world," and notice how
that guy feels in your company.
Do they feel interesting?
Do they feel fascinating?
Do they feel sexy?
That's great.
But don't forget, if they feel all
of that and you're feeling,
"Wow, I've got to really work to catch this guy,
"I've got to really work to interest him,"
that is absolutely wrong.
You must have a powerful, profound sense of yourself.
It's so important to have this belief,
"I deserve more, I'm worthy."
When someone says, "Hey, I'm going to E you at the weekend,"
or, "Hey, let's meet for a coffee on a Saturday,
"but I've got other plans," or, "Hey, let's go out,
"but I've got to be back home by 11, I've got a lot on,"
they are not prioritizing you.
When you prioritize you, you show a man,
"Hey, I'm a priority. That is just not acceptable for me."
Another thing that's very interesting to use
in a relationship is to start to use the word "we."
When you've been dating for a little while,
certainly longer than a few dates,
you can start to say things like,
"Oh, we this movie," or, "We love Italian food," or, "We..."
So if you stop talking about "I" and "you,"
and start to say "we," "We had such a great time, didn't we?
"We had such an amazing weekend."
As you introduce "we" into the conversation, not too much,
be subtle, don't overdo it,
you're starting to help someone see you as "we," and not "I."
So, of course you want to look your best,
of course you want to feel sexy
and alluring, but that's not enough.
I work with so many supermodels who are alone,
never married, never engaged,
and their relationships don't work,
because it's always about them.
They don't really talk. They talk about "I,"
"Do I look okay?
"Am I okay?"
And I've had many, many men say, "You know,
"I dated a supermodel; it was like
"owning an expensive race horse.
"Just the amount of praise and recognition,
"and I just couldn't cope with that, and I left."
I worked with a photographer who photographed naked women,
and the only woman he ever loved only had one breast.
And I always thought that was fascinating,
he truly loved her.
He photographed beautiful nude models every day
and went home to someone he loved.
I also had a second client who owned a string
of nightclubs, could have pretty much
had any woman he liked, and his wife
also had deformed breasts,
and she was the only person he loved. And he worked for her,
she was quite off with him, but she was the one he pursued,
and she was the only one he wanted.
And if we look at Rupert Friend, who was Carrie's sidekick
in Homeland, his wife, Aimee Mullins, is a Paralympic athlete
with missing lower limbs, and I'm sure he feels
so lucky to be with her.
There are many people that we think are perfect are not.
So if you think you need to be a supermodel to find love,
if you need to think you've got to be a perfect ten,
look perfect, be perfect, act perfect,
remember when Paul McCartney met Linda McCartney,
he said, "Oh, you know, I was dating all these girls
"and then I met this woman and she always said,
"'Oh, I'm busy taking my child to the dentist,
"'I'm busy taking Heather to school.'"
And he went, "That's the woman for me.
"She's interesting, she's too busy for me,
"she's got a full life."
And he fell in love with Linda and married her,
and she truly was the love of his life.
He could have had anybody; he wanted her.
Charles always loved Camilla, he preferred her to Diana.
Diana was beautiful, enchanting, beguiling,
but he always loved somebody else.
And it's not about how gorgeous you look,
how sexy you look.
It's not about that; that's the wrapping.
It's about who you are inside.
Are you warm?
Are you funny?
Are you engaging?
Are you fascinating?
Can you come across as compelling?
Because that is the hook that will
make someone addicted to you,
"I don't know what it is about you, but you're the one."
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I've been listening to Rod Stewart singing old classic songs.
And I love the one, "It had to be you
"with all of your faults, I love you still.
"It had to be you."
And he's trying to explain why this woman
was the only one for him. And yet, she was critical,
she was difficult, she put him down. And with all her faults,
he loved her still.
So please, forget this myth,
"I've got to be flawless and perfect."
Because trying to be flawless to hook a guy doesn't work.
In fact, many of my clients say,
"You know, I dated someone who was so beautiful.
"I felt inadequate, I felt insecure, I felt...
"Wondered if they would leave me." Or they say
the second thing, "That was such hard work. I left
"her for somebody warm and fun,
"and I'm so much happier now."
And if you look in the media, you'll see that all the time,
a stunning woman left for someone
who's not stunning at all. And yet,
that makes that person happy.
So focus on how that person is going to feel with you,
not how you make them feel,
but how you can help them feel with you
that you are a prize worth having.
Make them work for you, use a lot of the words "we,"
rather than "you" and "I," and really pay attention
to the language they use when they're with you.
I tell my husband all the time, "You're so lucky to have me.
"You're so lucky you've got me."
And he says, "I know, I'm so lucky."
I also add in, "I'm so lucky to have you."
So we both say it, but I say it more,
"You're lucky to have me.
"You're lucky to have a wife like me.
"You're lucky that you're with me."
And every single one of my friends who are married
to amazing men say the same thing,
"I tell my husband all the time, 'Aren't you lucky you met me?
"'Oh, it was your lucky day when you met me.
"'You were so lucky that you got me.'"
And that's not arrogance, it's not showing off,
it's reminding them that,
"Hey, you got the prize, aren't you lucky?"
So don't be scared of saying that.
And of course, I don't say to my husband,
"Hey, you're punching above your weight."
I say, "You're so lucky that you found me.
"I'm so lucky I found you. We're lucky we found each other."
But I say more than he does.
He never says to me actually, "You're so lucky you found me,"
I don't think he's ever said that.
But I tell him on a regular basis,
I remind him, "It was your lucky day when you met me.
"Wasn't it great when we met? You're so lucky to be with me."
And he likes that, because it reminds him that he got prize.
I got a prize too,
I'm so lucky to have him. I would never diminish that.
But your job is to make that person know they got a prize,
and that's so important.
Do it, don't do it too much,
and don't fake it. Just slip it into the conversation.
So don't be scared to remind that person
they are lucky to have you.
We all want what we can't have.
It's why we like designer stuff and limited editions.
People want what they can't have.
They want what other people want.
They want what isn't available.
Don't be too available.
When you are available, don't be too agreeable.
Remember, you are a prize.
I always say to people, "Look, you're the diamond
"and your partner's the setting.
So you're the stone, they're the setting,
and you've got to sparkle. It'll be amazing,
and I know you can do it.
And please let me know how it works for you.
If you want to rewire your mind to attract,
and to keep, your perfect relationship,
go ahead and click the link below for my audio hypnosis.
Check out my next video here, and download
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The way you feel about anything,
at any time, is down to two things,
the pictures you make in your head,
and the words you say to yourself.
Our number one habit to stop...