- You guys, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it? It's hot?
It's late, I don't know if you guys had time for dinner.
Some of you guys might've come straight from work
and I can just kind of see like you're chewing gum.
And I wonder if that's like a hunger thing.
(audience laughs)
I actually don't feel comfortable continuing the show
without you guys having a little bit to eat.
Is that, was that feel good for you?
I just feel like, is there any,
can anybody on the show,
if there's anything that you guys can find like a cookie,
just literally anything, if there's soup,
just loose soup pour it in their hands, just whatever.
Okay. Wait, what is that?
What do you guys have?
Oh, donuts.
Okay, great. Yeah. Great.
I'll just actually, that's wonderful.
There you go.
You get two of them.
If there's like an extra, I'll take it,
you know, for, oh, you wanna give me half?
Great, thank you.
Did you bite this? - [Audience Member] I did not.
- Can you?
(audience laughs)
You guys, I'm not going to make any promises to you.
I'm not going to promise that I'm going to have a baby,
but I want you to know that if I do,
at least for once in my goddamn life,
my period would not be completely fucking useless to me.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
Yeah, because you guys, I have,
I have never had a pregnancy scare,
so it's never been a relief to get it.
(audience laughs)
And now when I said period,
there were possibly some of you
that got a little weirded out, especially the gentlemen.
"Oh, disgusting!"
Well, I don't believe you've ever had
an honest conversation with a woman.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, because if you think periods are disgusting,
you have no idea
how disgusting periods actually are.
I wake up in the night
and I am bleeding a crime scene
(audience laughs)
into my bed
and no one else is around.
I got to get up and process it.
I got to take it, put in plastic bags
and send it to the lab and see who did it.
And it's always me!
(audience laughs)
I'm the victim and the perpetrator, every time.
It doesn't come out in an easy pourable substance.
Chunks of my body
are coming out of my body.
My body is using my body
to crush pieces of my body out of my body.
Every month.
It's like a Wolverine origin story that I somehow survive.
(audience laughs)
Sometimes the chunks are so large,
the only logical response to pick it up,
and hold it in my hand
(audience laughs)
and marvel at it.
Oh, that's the size of a strawberry!
(audience laughs)
And this is not just happening to us in our beds.
This is happening to us on planes.
We're feeling some interior turbulence.
We'll run to the bathroom,
taking out a dirty thing and shove it in the wall
and taking out a clean thing,
stuffing that in there, hurts a lot.
And you go sit in your seat for another
three and a half more hours,
try to distract yourself with "The Croods" or whatever.
(audience laughs)
Yes, periods are disgusting.
But even more so they deserve your respect
and we deserve your respect for surviving them.
(audience cheers)
And if you didn't clap for that,
I just want you to know
that I made you eat a fucking jelly donut
while I talked about my period.
(audience laughs)
And I hope that sticks with you
and puts you off jelly donuts forever!
(audience cheers)