I don't know, I always would say I'd get a Chinese symbol.
This was like my big joke when I was like oh
I'll get a Chinese symbol that means Chinese symbol.
Oh I was gonna get one that meant unoriginal.
I honestly researched it.
I like that. Really?
I went to a Chinese restaurant and was like, could you guys ...
that's my research,
I asked them what is the symbol for unoriginal
and they couldn't give it to me. They didn't understand.
We don't have such a stupid word in our language.
Yeah they kinda said that.
Well Jews aren't allowed to have tattoos.
Right.
So my mother would always tell me that
but then she had her eyelids, she had permanent eyelids.
Right.
So those are tattoos.
Not eyelids, eyeliner. I think you mean eyeliner.
Eyeliner, yeah. She had permanent eyes.
We'll get there, we'll always get there.
She tattooed her eyes.
He may not get us there but we'll get there.
As a team, as a family, we'll get there.
You're my favorite.
It takes a village to understand what the hell
Andrew is talking about.
My mom- So your mom got-
I'm good for radio.
Your mom got make up tattooed onto her eyelids
which I think is a great-
That's a tattoo though.
Yeah, it is a tattoo. That's definitely a tattoo.
Yeah, she's not going to heaven.
And she's like you can't have a tattoo
and I was like you have a tattoo, eyelids,
and you have a facelift. You changed your whole,
no one even knows if you died you're a different person.
But I can't have a tattoo
because I can't get buried with it.
But that eye make up means ...
what would you have gotten if you wouldn't have felt anything?
A tattoo of her telling me not to get a tattoo.
No, I don't know what I would have gotten.
I would have probably gotten my grandpa's initials or something.
I don't know, somewhere on my forearm or something.
What are his initials?
I don't even know. HG I guess.
HG Wells.
HG and then there's MC.
Okay yeah that's what you're gonna be
for the rest of your life too. So that will be a good one.
I heard Angelina Jolie being ...
remember Angelina Jolie did Dateline or something,
some big interview after she and Billy Bob broke up.
And she said I realized when I needed to break up
with him when I had gotten ...
she had gotten his name tattooed on her
and then she was thinking
I would never tattoo Maddox's name,
her adopted son's name on herself.
And then she's like why did I tattoo his name,
why did I do Billy Bob but I would never tattoo my son's
because I know I will always have a relationship with my son.
It's not threatened.
And there was something really interesting in that,
if you somehow worry about a connection with someone
or you have an insecurity about someone,
you tattoo their name- Marriage-
... like Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder.
And Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande.
Any kind of official thing-
It's like proof it exists.
Honestly marriage even is like ...
I got you, forever okay. I get it. I want that.
That's so funny because my ex,
who we were never gonna get married,
I was like I want to get tattoos.
I wanted something in writing on us
that was we're bound for life.
You find a way to ... you're so right.
That's why we're gonna get tattoos when your special,
when you record it, we're gonna get matching ones right?
What kind are you guys gonna get?
Yeah what are we getting again?
She looks so terrified.
You brought it up, remember.
It's his joke that we're gonna get matching tattoos
to celebrate my special which he has been helpful with it.
Why are you having anything to do with this Andrew.
Why not, why wouldn't I be involved.
I remember one time Sabrina Jalees,
and I were gonna get tattoos if we made it through
on Last Comic Standing, past the semis.
We told the NBC cameras we're gonna get tattoos tonight
if we get Last Comic Standing, if we get past, thank
God we didn't because we would have done it.
We would have done it.
And I remember we were joking what would we get
and Greg Giraldo was one of the judges
and we were like we'll get
Greg Giraldo's face tattooed on our ass.
Could you imagine if that was ...
because knowing what happened.
It would be a nice tribute I guess.
Did you get to the semi-finals?
I got to the semis but I didn't get-
So you didn't?
No we both got to that night but no, maybe, I don't remember.
I just ... no, yes, no, yes.
Would you get like the best looking version of Greg Giraldo?
Who picks the picture?
I don't know.
I would never have gotten Greg Giraldo's face.
I mean it would be more fitting now that he's gone.
My step-brother has so many tattoos
and they all mean something.
Really?
Well he loves fishing, he's very simple,
he lives in Florida, he has a fish, a rattlesnake,
his cousin that died in a motorcycle accident,
his last name and a wave, like surfing.
Wow.
These are the exact things,
and he lives these things, I just don't-
He is that.
When I was talking about the accountant
with a skull that's bleeding, it's like what is ...
Yeah you're right. You're just trying ...
Oh my God I went out with a guy like that once.
We went on two dates.
I just remember he worked in the financial district
or on Wall Street or something.
He was an investment guy and he was fully tattooed
and he had this whole double life kind of.
He was like a motorcycle guy with a beard
but he wore a suit every day, a three piece suit with a vest.
But he did ride a motorcycle.
I'm literally turned on by all those tattoos
you just described.
The fish? I like that they-
I've showed you my step-brother, he's a hot man.
Yeah he has a purpose.
He knows what he his, he's leaning into it.
I like it. I take back everything I said about tattoos.
I either want them to have a ridiculous story
or I want them to be so meaningful and stupid.
But also still stupid, but very meaningful.
So you're not into like ornate stuff.
It's the same thing as someone who had tattoos
when they were 18 and it meant something.
As long as there was a funny story associated
and it really, truly meant something to you,
I think it's kind of a good thing.
He has a wave because he just likes water?
Because he likes surfing. He has a surfer,
him cutting back with the splash of the wave.
He has a bionic, I don't know,
the rattlesnake's bad ass and his name is Jake
and he goes by Jake the Snake. So then he has a rattlesnake.
It's all there and it's coiled up ready to attack.
And he would always get mad at me if I go near his-
I would get a hummus platter.
A hummus platter down this side and then I'm gonna do-
A little oil, a little pita, extra cucumbers.
Yeah, what else do I love so much.
My phone.
Starbucks?
Right here. Starbucks down here.
Right in the middle of your boobs.
Down there.
Something across your collar bone would be cool.
Just like a word.
Me so latte?
You love that Hitachi magic wand.
Just a finger. Just a finger there.
And then a blunt to really show how cool you are dude.
Yeah man and then just-
Fucking burning blunt dude.
On the back of my neck so only people that,
when I'm wearing a pony tail
that's when they know I love blunts.
And you'll get weed inside your lip
so you say ah look at that. Want to see, isn't that cool?
The thing that strikes me with tattoos
though is that I go through so many phases in life.
I'm shocked that your cousin has always liked these things.
Because imagine if you had tattooed stuff
that you like when you were like 17?
I wish I would have.
I want to go get a Dave Matthews tattoo
now that really faded and raised really bad.
I want it to look like shit but it be fresh
because I would have had that had I been allowed to.
Yeah you can't get a freshy Dave now.
I'm glad I never did the ankh symbol,
I would have unicorns and ice skates and ponies.
That's all I liked.
Oh boy. And now I feel though forever
I will always love the things that I love now.
That's not true.
That's huge, that's great that you know yourself.
Narcissistic men.
Love, love.
Love.
Micro-penis.
Instagram. Just tattoo the Instagram logo.
Just get it on the side
Andrew they won't be able to fit it all but ...
Write micro on my dick.
Yeah people who get tattoos on their penises.
Or if you get your clit pierced.
No thank you.
I mean part of me wants to just feel
what it would feel like getting it pierced.
I think that would be a great feeling.
It would be painful but also probably pretty dope.
Especially if you get it in the middle of the mall at a kiosk.
Piercing Pagoda. It's a teenager with a gun.
One of those clamp, clamp.
Yeah just get up on this chair here, yeah.
Don't mind the people in Spencer's.
That's the problem the guys who has to pierce your clitoris.
Did you have a stroke?
He's gonna like hold it, that would be so weird.