Translator: Hélène Vernet
Hi! Thank you for listening to me.
I'm going to teach today how to be amazing at connection.
But to be amazing at connection,
you've got to be equally amazing at not letting in rejection.
You have to be able to deal with rejection
in order to be fantastic at connection
because we come onto the planet with two very, very powerful needs.
Our first need is: we must always find and maintain connection.
Our second need is that we must always seek acceptance
and avoid being rejected.
And avoiding being rejected is very, very important.
These are actually tribal needs
and we're all run by this instinctive need that we have to avoid being rejected
because when we were living in a tribe,
you couldn't survive unless you were connected.
We were born instinctively knowing that we would make it on the planet,
we would survive if we were connected to a group.
Because in this tribespeople you couldn't hunt for food,
build a dwelling and raise a family
unless you were connected; you needed that group to watch your back.
And of course, the tribes understood that too.
All groups knew that the way to make you conform was to threaten you with rejection.
If they threatened you with rejection, you would conform.
So very difficult sailors would be marooned on a desert island forever.
Difficult prisons were put into isolation.
Many, many religious understood
that if they threatened you with casting out or banishment, you would behave.
Even children know how to send someone they don't like to Coventry.
And of course when parents send their naughty child to their room,
they're disconnecting them from the group;
they're rejecting them and they're rejecting their behavior.
So in Romeo and Juliet, when Romeo was banished from Verona, he said,
I'd rather be killed than banished, banishment is worse than death.
There's nothing out there but purgatory.
Actually he was right: my father lived in a tiny little village up north
that had a really old church that had the original banishment window still there
because in times gone by, if a villager didn't behave and didn't conform,
they would be banished forever from that village,
but they still had to go to church to try to redeem their wickedness,
and they had to turn up after the service began, in all weathers,
they had to crouch down by this banishment window and listen to the service outside,
and when they'd left, they'd left just before the service ended,
because they were not allowed to have connection.
So to this day, we fear being rejected
and the fear of rejection will hurt our ability to connect.
I'm sure most of you know what Stockholm Syndrome is.
Stockholm Syndrome is the study
of what happens to people when you disconnect them.
So people who have been taken hostage,
people who've been kidnapped, people who've been in prison
would rather befriend their enemy and often have sex with them too
than be isolated, disconnected and rejected.
And of course, most of you have seen "Homeland."
In Homeland, he went to the other side,
because he was isolated, disconnected and rejected.
So, it's this tribal fear that we have,
and if you think tribal fears don't exist, we're not in a tribe,
just watch what women do when they're out in a group.
If a woman go out in a group and one wants to go to the toilet,
they say, "Who's coming with me?" they go, "I'll come," "I'll come too;"
and women go to the toilet in groups because in a tribe,
a woman never ever went to the toilet on her own;
that was so dangerous, you didn't know what was out there.
So women went off in groups to the toilet
and when they're in groups out, they still go to the toilet in a group.
A man never says "I need to pee, who's coming with me?"
If you did, no guy would go "I'll come" and "I'll come too,"
because men stand up to pee,
women literally had to have someone watch their backs.
So we come onto the planet with this really intense need
to be connected and to avoid being rejected.
These bonds of connection are very, very fragile, and they must not be broken.
What damages them is a fear of rejection.
So, I've been a therapist for many, many years, and I fly all over the world.
I have a great job, and I meet people who say,
"You know, I got bullied when I was eight and to this day, I don't do groups.
I won't go to a pub, to a party. I would never work in a big office.
I might be rejected, it might remind me of what it felt like to be bullied."
Or someone would say to me, "The love of my life dumped me.
I've never had a relationship since; I don't even want one,
because I couldn't go through that pain again."
Or somebody would say, "I was fired in front of everyone in my office.
It was so humiliating, I've never had a job since."
What they're saying is:
"Being rejected was so painful, I'm now choosing to avoid rejection,"
but of course what they're doing is: they're avoiding connection.
You don't need to do that because you can't be rejected.
We're not tribal people anymore.
There's no way that you could ever be rejected
because you have to believe everything the person who's rejecting you is saying.
So if I say to you "I don't like you.
I hate everyone who has green hair, and I really don't like you
because I can't stand people who have purple hair. That's my opinion,"
it's so clearly wrong, you're not going to let that in.
That can't possibly hurt you.
It's an opinion that is wrong that you're not going to let in.
I'm going to be using this word "let in" a lot in the next 15 minutes,
because if you take one thing away from today, let it be this:
"Don't let in opinions that will hurt you."
If I say to the back row, "I don't like any of you, you're so boring;
you're just so deeply dull, there's nothing to you,"
some of you will let that in, but it's just an opinion.
It's no different to the other opinion.
I'm saying something, you don't have to let that in.
So, I work with so many people damaged by rejection, particularly children,
and in my years as a therapist, I've learned five techniques
that will really help you - really help you I guarantee it -
to not let in rejection, to deal with it.
You can't stop people rejecting you but you can change the way it affects you.
So let me teach you these five techniques.
The first one is going to sound very trite because simple things are often so simple,
people think that can't work, it's too easy.
This first one is the kind of thing you do to deal with the everyday barbs
that come from colleagues, friends, family members.
So let's imagine someone comes up to you and says,
"You've got so fat, it doesn't suit you, you shouldn't have gained all that weight"
or "You should never have cut your hair, it looks terrible,"
or "Why can't you control your children, they're so badly behaved."
What you say is: "Thank you for sharing that."
Now, I know that sounds trite and I know that sounds silly,
but if someone comes up and says, " Wow, you're fat!"
and you go, "How dare you say that? That's so hurtful,"
or "You're so rude!" or "Well, you look anorexic to me,"
or "You try eating healthy food on my salary,"
you've already let it in
and now, you're trying to deal with it by sarcasm or her quizzes.
When you say "Thank you for sharing that,"
what you're saying is: "That's your opinion,"
you can even say it, "I don't have to let that in."
My husband was driving through Los Angeles last year,
in peak traffic, and he took the wrong freeway.
His adult son in the back was really crossed, he started to say,
"You always do this. Why didn't you plan the route? Now we're going to be late."
My husband went, "Thank you for sharing that."
He went, "You're so wound up and now I'm getting really stressed,
and you're ruining the evening" and he said, "Thank you for sharing that."
His son said something else and he said again, "Thank you for sharing that."
I thought: "This is so cool! I taught him this; he's doing it; and it's working!"
We got to our destination and actually, it was all dissipated,
because saying "Thank you for sharing that" dissipated it.
They both forgot, they were fine,
and "Thank you for sharing that" really works,
particularly with adult or teenage children.
So my daughter would occasionally go, "I hate you.
You're the worst mother in the world. Hitler was nicer than you."
and "All my friend's parents let them go out all night to sleepovers,"
and I would just go, "Thank you for sharing that, thank you."
So I don't argue. What's the point?
When you say "Thank you for sharing that," you dissipate the tension
and you don't let it in.
So that are very simple little words: "Thank you for sharing that."
I promise you if you use them, it will change everything.
So that's a simple one for the everyday family member, tribal barb.
So let's imagine you're at work and someone comes up to you and says,
"Oh my God, why did you ever offer to speak in public?
You should never have chaired that meeting.
You were so bad, I was embarrassed for you."
What you say to them is "I'm sorry, I didn't actually hear all of that.
Would you repeat that for me slowly so I can hear it.
Don't ever say "So I can let it in."
"Could you repeat that so I can hear it," I promise you, 90% of the time they go,
"Oh, me and my big mouth! Just ignore me.
I'm having a really bad day, I didn't mean it."
What happened is you've asked them to repeat it,
they've had to think about it, and they've decided to retract it.
And they will retract it 90% of the time.
When they do, don't go "No! tell me what you said, I want to know.
What did you say?" You've got to also let it dissipate.
So: "I'm sorry would you repeat that please; I didn't hear it all" will work.
Of course sometimes, they will repeat it; they'll say,
"Yeah, I just said you were so wooden at public speaking,
it's actually an insult to wood."
Now you get to technique three which is to say,
"Oh! Are you trying to hurt my feelings? To make me feel bad about myself?"
Amazingly they will usually go, "No, of course not.
I just thought you should know that you're so painful at public speaking,
you need to practice more, get some help or never speak in public again."
So although what they're saying is very hurtful and harsh,
they don't mean it.
I was in Sainsbury's many years ago and somebody rang my cell phone.
It was Cosmo: "Hi! Just to let you know that we've done a big article about you.
It's in Cosmo; it's out today and it's on this CD you've made called:
"How to attract and maintain a loving lasting relationship."
So I put down the phone; I went to the newsstand and got two copies.
I went back and went "Hey Mom look! I'm in Cosmo!
They've written about by CD 'How to attract love'
and she said, "I don't want to read that.
I don't think you should ever make CDs about attracting love and relationships
because you're not very good at them."
And I was like: "Okay, I know what to do."
I didn't bother to go to #1 "Thank you for sharing that."
I didn't actually bother to go to #2 which is "Could you repeat that?"
I mean this is my mother so I didn't have to say "Please repeat that."
I went straight to technique 3, "Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
Why would you say that?" and she said straight away,
"Of course I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, not at all.
I just think you should stick to the things you're really good at.
Then, you'll be even more successful than you already are."
And of course what she was saying was not mean and not hurtful,
but it sounded that way and I didn't let it in because I understood her intention.
One of my patients came to see me.
She was nursing her husband to the final weeks of an illness.
He was going to die and she was upset
because every time she said to her friends "My husband's dying,"
they'd go, "Oh, you'll be fine. You'll find someone else. You'll be okay."
She was absolutely hurt and I said,
"Why don't you listen to the intention of what are they saying?"
She said, "Yeah, they're saying: 'You're so lovable, we love you.
You won't be on your own," and actually,
she was married to somebody else within a year, and she is very happy.
So, we've got the first three but, of course, you'll get the person who says,
"Yeah, that's what I said," so let's go to technique 4 now.
You've said "Are you trying to hurt my feelings?"
and they go, "Yes, I don't like you. I want you to know everyone hates you.
Then you simply say, "That's not going to work, I'm not going to let that in."
Again here's that word: "you never have to let it in."
I met someone who at 55 - he was a doctor -
decided to run the marathon to get a scanner for his husband.
He was very out of shape and he ran the marathon.
He came in towards the end but he was so delighted.
When he went back to work, one of the very buff fit doctors went,
"Yeah, I heard you ran the marathon and you came in like last."
He went "Last? I was first in my category. - What category is that?"
He went, "55 year-old out-of-shape doctor from this hospital,
raising money running a marathon to get a scanner.
I was number one in my category." He didn't let it in.
Now, you have these four things: "Thank you for sharing that,"
"Please repeat that slowly,"
"Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself?"
"I'm not going to let that in."
There is a fifth technique but don't ever do it with sarcasm, which is to say,
"While we're sharing, did you know
that critical people have the most criticism reserved for themselves.
They don't like themselves.
They're expressing outwards their own dissatisfaction.
When you do this, you're showing me and everyone else in the office too
that you're your own worst critic."
So, for a critical person, let's imagine this as a seesaw,
and here's you and here's them, but in their world, it isn't equal:
you're up there and they're down there.
Now all they can do to make it balance is to diminish you.
And they actually want that to happen,
but they can only do that by making you feel bad about yourself.
Now you've got your five techniques,
nobody can ever make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.
So, I can only tell you that this works because if this didn't work,
there's not a chance I could stand in front of you talking like this,
loving it and actually enjoying it,
because the greatest fear in the Western world is the fear of speaking in public
which is actually not a fear of speaking in public,
it's the fear of being rejected.
And a lot of people can't do it: I had a client who came to me
who fainted at his own wedding rehearsal when he had to rehearse his speech.
I had another one who said, "I've got to talk at a funeral. I'm so scared.
Frankly, I'd rather be in the coffin than giving that eulogy,"
because it's a fear of being rejected.
I understand that because when I was 25, a publishing house came to me
and gave me a lot of money to write a book, and I couldn't do it.
Every time I sat down, I kept thinking: "What if nobody likes it?
What if that's wrong? What if it gets really badly reviewed?"
and I gave the advance back, because I was so caught up with the rejection
that I didn't actually understand
the fantastic connection you get from being a writer.
I meet people who go "I want to write a book" and I go,
"What are you doing to write a book? - Nothing.
- Have you got an agent? - Oh no."
Or they want to be an actor:
"- Are you going to auditions? - Oh I couldn't do that.
- Why not? - I might be rejected.
- Look, until you can deal with rejection you're never going to be an actor.
You can't have one without the other just like the weave of a cloth."
But when you learn that you can't be rejected ...
Then I wrote five or six best-selling books.
In fact, someone wrote to me recently: "I'm so glad I got your book.
I went to visit my mother who's very ill with cancer,
and as I left, she said to me, 'I hope you get cancer and die,'"
and he went, "Wow, mom! Even for you, that's a bit hard,"
because he said, "You know what? It didn't hurt me, I didn't let it in.
I remembered what you said, she's bitter and unhappy,
that I once would have been on the floor with depression
that my mother said that, but I didn't let it in."
So let me share with you my favorite story
because it's such a metaphor for not letting it in.
So, a journalist went to interview a holy man,
already deciding he hated spiritual people.
He met him and of course the holy man was beaming and smiling as they do,
and he said, "I can't stand tree huggers like you.
This is all pseudo, all fake.
You're not really spiritual. I don't like you."
The holy man beamed and smiled even more,
so he cranked up the rejection and continued to tell him why he hated him.
And the holy man continued to beam and smile.
So finally he said, "Why are you beaming and smiling
while I tell you that I don't like you?" and he went, "Well, you see,
if you give me a gift but I don't take the gift,
who has the gift?" and the journalist went, "Me...?"
And he went, "Exactly! I'm not taking that,
and if I don't take it, it's left with you."
It's rather like being served legal papers:
if you don't take them, you're not served.
So please, remember these five techniques.
Nobody can reject you ever unless you let them.
My little girl was five - this is the first time I learned this-
and in some ways, my mother was right
because I didn't write that book because of my fear of rejection.
I didn't have loving relationships because I was scared about being rejected.
Of course I'm not now or I wouldn't be up here.
My daughter went to a little village school.
She had a boy in her class who had cerebral palsy
and had a real problem walking.
His mother used to say to him,
"Baby, people look at you because you're so beautiful.
They stare at you because you're the most handsome boy in the world."
This little village school went to London to a museum.
He'd never been on a tube. He'd never been on an escalator.
But off he went. He came back and went, "Mom, I must have been so handsome today
because everyone stared at me on the tube and on the escalator.
I was so beautiful, they all looked at me in the museum.
Everybody looked at me!"
You see, those bonds, those fragile bonds of connection aren't broken in him,
and by the time he understands what that's really all about
it won't matter because he started his life not letting it in.
So please, learn those five things:
"Thank you for sharing,"
"Would you repeat that slowly?"
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings?"
"That's not going to work" and remind them what critical people are.
Thank you very much for listening.
(Applause)