CONSPIRACY GUY: This video is brought to you by Campfire
I like vanilla!
On an unrelated note, let’s write an everyman protagonist for our story!
Ah the everyman!
For when the writer is too lazy to write an actual character.
The easy mode of writing!
Terrible Writing Advice is all about taking shortcuts which makes the everyman a perfect
fit for the treasured protagonist slot of my story.
Just write an average person!
Now the only problem I can see is that writers tend to be freaking weirdos on a good day
so writing an average person can be more tricky than it looks, but fear not as I can show
you what the normies want!
The everyman is a pretty broad archetype that can fit into just about any genre with a bit
of finagling.
Since they have a pretty mundane perspective that makes it fairly easy for the audience
to identify with them.
In fact, the audience projecting onto the everyman is a guarantee no matter how shallow
the character is written.
This frees the writer’s creative resources to focus on more important things like taking
risky loans for my future indoor pool that I’ll be able to afford after my first advance.
Rather than see the everyman as a strategic addition to the story chosen specifically
to contrast with the more colorful elements of the setting, highlight their character
growth by demonstrating their humble origin, or to be used as a deconstruction by showing
how poorly such a character would fair if thrown into a specific genre, instead the
everyman should be thought of as shorthand for ‘I needed a protagonist I didn’t have
to think hard about’.
This means that the everyman is free to be boring!
Like really really really boring!!
Like this guy’s favorite hobby is collecting chewed eraser tips boring!
So boring that watching paint dry feels like skydiving in comparison to reading about this
guy.
So boring that I would rather watch a 72 hour documentary on the history of stamp collecting
than spend another page with this guy!
So boring that the concept of boredom itself seems like a distant dream that was long lost
ago now that I am trapped in the unending dull agony of having to read about boring
McEveryman and his boring boredom of trudging through the endless beige trenches of utter
and complete tedium.
In this case a writer will know their job has been done right if the audience is begging
for the story to focus on anything else other than the protagonist.
Remember, there is no difference between subtle characterization and no characterization.
No point in using the everyman’s more subdued personality to highlight a more colorful cast
of secondary characters.
Another useful function of the everyman protagonist is to have everything explained them… all
the time.
This gives the writer a perfect excuse to dump exposition onto the audience since the
everyman, being average and thus uninformed, must have aspects of the setting explained
to them.
And like all exposition dumps, you can tell it’s one because all characterization ceases
once the dump begins.
Never have the everyman express an emotion during this explanation like concern, fear,
boredom, or confusion.
This approaches dangerously close to characterization.
Nor should the writer use an everyman’s outsider perspective to point out something
a setting native would have never had thought of or considered.
Nor consider having the everyman just learn by doing something.
Now what if a writer wants the everyman to also be a vehicle for power fantasy?
Then just have the everyman develop into a superman!
In fact, a lot of comic book everyman characters have a superhero persona.
Could this journey from everyman to superman be done by either a slow buildup in order
to make the superman status feel earned?
Or perhaps the everyman finds their superman status thrust upon them suddenly forcing them
to adapt as a focal point of conflict?
Actually the best option is to cheat and have the character discard their everyman status
as soon as they become a superman.
That way we get the audience investment cheaply and without wasting a lot of time and then
get to the power fantasy stuff ASAP.
Yeah.
No one will see through that!
Besides, what would an everyman do without awesome powers?
See that won’t work because having a character use something other than violent force to
solve all problems is like hard.
Why would the audience want to see the character they are projecting onto use their courage
and humble outlook to outwit a far more powerful and dangerous foe?
Especially if that foe underestimates them.
The audience must be constantly told that unlimited, unchecked power solves all problems,
not critical thinking skills, determination, and creativity.
I mean could you imagine a beloved fantasy novel series that ends with the dark lord
being defeated not by some great warrior, but by a bunch of short dudes with hairy feet?
That would be embarrassing and most certainly not turn into classic.
Now I must cover the most important part of the everyman, their stupidity!
Most people are stupid, especially compared to my genius, therefore it’s a pretty safe
move to also make the everyman stupid as well.
In fact, lean into this as their only character trait!
Make them so stupid that they really shouldn’t be able to function at all.
Yeah the audience will identify with that!
Not only that, but make sure the story also celebrates this stupidity!
We should all strive to rid ourselves of intelligence, because smart people are bad because being
smart makes you evil!
This stupidity also has the duel role of making sure the everyman will take actions that most
people would never do given their mastery of basic risk return analysis and rudimentary
pattern recognition.
This frees the writer to use the everyman’s ignorance to advance the plot, miss key clues
that could resolve the plot early, and otherwise fail to take actions that would undo an easily
solvable conflict.
And the audience will never get tired of the everyman acting stupid or express frustration
at their near constant ineptitude.
I mean they’re supposed to identify with the everyman, how could the audience get frustrated
with them?
In fact, why not lean into this further?
Not only is the everyman stupid, but he’s also a loser!
It’s time for the writer to unleash their cynical hatred of the audience by insulting
their surrogate.
Make the everyman a loser, nothing goes his way, everything is his fault, and he’s an
idiot.
Exactly how the audience wants to see themselves!
Is this looser status merely a starting point for character development?
No.
It’s just there so I can perpetuate American culture’s bizarre obsession with its stark
loser/winner binary.
Because the mark of maturity is using a stock bully catchphrase from the early 90s unironically.
Now how do side characters feel about this steaming pile of vanilla that is somehow central
to the world’s salvation in spite of having zero redeeming qualities, talents, or work
ethic?
Will they crack under the pressure of a tremendous time crunch as they are forced to cram in
a lifetime of training into the everyman to get him ready to face the Dark Lord?
Or will the everyman lose it instead now that he has actual expectations put upon him for
the first time in his life?
Nah.
The superheroes surrounding this plain dude will just never comment on him or generate
any meaningful conflict.
It’s almost like the everyman is just a cameraman for the audience?
While most of the other side characters won’t notice the everyman, all of the women sure
will!
Nothing gets the ladies excited quite like a guy without any defining features, personality,
or prospects.
Even the everyman gets a love triangle!
I mean sometimes.
Other times its more like a love battle royale.
Ah the pain of having too many romantic choices.
Clearly this is a problem that most people can relate to!
Just like moping!
People love characters who mope all the time!
Now most normal people when exposed to high stress situations without proper training
simply shut down at best.
Usually they panic and make things worse.
However, when writing an everyman, a writer has only two real choices; either the everyman
handles everything flawlessly and simply breezes through the insanity without any explanation,
or they start endlessly moping way outside the audience's patience zone.
A writer basically only gets one good panic scene and after that the audience expects
the everyman to get a handle on the situation.
But I think I’m going to push that by having the everyman be extra worthless for most of
the story.
Maybe I should show how the everyman is gradually acclimating to this new life of adventure
in order to have a smooth transition and not irritate the audience with too much whining?
No!
I like my melodrama at the cost of character development!
As it should be!
The everyman has a lot of utility in storytelling, like a crutch that can be used to hobble through
a story on easy mode.
Rather than utilize the everyman to maximize his potential by having him pull double duty
as some combination of a foil, newcomer, future leader, heart of the group, or some other
function, instead use him as an unneeded third wheel.
The everyman should exist only because some studio executive thought the audience needed
a POV character as lame as they imagine the average moviegoer to be.
The best everymen are written not as empathetic and humble individuals who wish to do good
and help out in spite of their lack of power.
Instead they should be written by a writer who pours in all of their cynicism and misanthropy
into a stock character who is mostly there just to act as a glorified cameraman or as
a vehicle for power fantasy.
Besides, it has to be an everyman because I have no clue how to write an everywoman.
KNIGHT COMMANDER: This is bad!
CONSPIRACY GUY: Okay.
So I know this is going to sound odd coming from me, but this is not as planned.
SIR ADBLOCK: How could it have broke?
Unless…
KNIGHT COMMANDER: Yes.
It appears as though there is a traitor in our ranks…
Sir Adblock?
SIR ADBLOCK: Me?
SIR POPUP CRUSHER: The traitor could be anyone of us!
Except for Sir Newguy of course.
He seems the trustworthy sort.
KNIGHT COMMANDER: Yeah you’re right.
I don’t see how it could be him just because he’s always cryptically muttering “soon”
all the time.
MERC: We’ll set up a final defense line here!
MEGACORP CEO: I’ve never seen a battle where both sides can’t land a single hit!
Worthless!
You all are a waste of good radiation.
MERC: I thought we were being paid in exposure?
EMPEROR: There it is!
The source!
At long last, unlimited power and a balanced budget!
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EMPEROR: Traitor!
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REBEL: Imperialist dog!
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CONSPIRACY GUY: Guys?
We really need to reconsider-
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CONSPIRACY GUY: Can everyone listen to me for once!
I think there’s a problem!
We can’t let that last chain break or!
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Um…
I mean the Dark Lord.
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MYSTERIOUS VOICE: You can always count on some things.
Like smaller streams converging into a roaring river, the desire of many would set me free
and bring everything to this point.
And so with those desires I am finally unleashed.
This world was made for me.