Don't get-- the dog's been sick.
So we pulled over for some dog aid.
What am I gonna--?
You poor dog.
With the dog sorted, we were on our way.
The dog's not gonna be sick again, is it?
-I don't... -It smells not good.
-I just don't wanna... -Ow! What the hell?
That's bad.
You...
It's pretty poor, mate, pretty poor.
Poor caravanning, James.
-Yeah what do you-- How do you--?
Something you were looking forward to.
Let's watch it come off.
Back. Slowly!
Slowly!
Back.
Our caravaning trip wasn't going well.
In fact, it was even starting to strain the bond of our friendship.
But after six hours, we finally arrived at caravancatraz.
Five miles an hour maximum.
-Well, that's about... -Dream on.
Keep dogs on a lead. Top Gear dog, you gotta be on a lead.
James told Richard and I to get out,
because he reckoned he could do the parking thing more easily,
if we weren't there to help him.
-How do you do? I'm Jeremy Clarkson. -I know.
-This is Richard Hammond. -Nice to see you.
-Oh! -Hey!
Tell me, what do you do on a caravan holiday?
Now we're here.
Go round and see the countryside.
-Fill up the... loo. Yeah. -Fill up the loo.
Do you want a cup of tea?
That's very sweet of you, but we're getting to know our surroundings.
That's very kind. We might pop back.
But she wasn't going to let Richard escape that easily.
We can't. I can't come-- Jeremy, help me.
You're going to be taken into a caravan. Looks doubtful in there.
-I'll-- -You can bring the dog in as well.
I really can't take the dog in...
-Now you can take the dog in as well. -Mummy.
Then the caravan has to go to the left,
but not turning the wheel.
That means turning the wheel to the right and then that will do it.
By now, James had attracted quite a crowd...
Here we go.
...which was unfortunate
And back.
That's good.
Oh no. It's got a...
James, stop!
You see what you've done?
They'll be out bird-watching or something.
We'll have it back together.
It's not broken. It's just knocked over.
-Where is Hammond? -You don't want to know.
After a worryingly long time, Hammond and Top Gear dog returned...
-I don't think this is... -This is where it was.
This will do.
Here it is. Wow. Star Trek. Classic vibes.
What the heck?
And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Ah yes. I brought that.
-Well you might... -That's an AK-47.
-I know. I thought I might need it. -Why?
A weekend in a box with James May, what am I gonna need?
You're not a practical man, are you?
The last step in making our home complete was connecting the gas bottle.
-It's... It's gas! -It's gas!
Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean...
At what point in the last eight hours have I done anything
I'd call holiday-ish? Nothing. I've been in a car accident.
I've watched James May destroy a campsite. I've stabbed myself seven times.
Eventually though, our house was up and running.
Okay, that.
So then it was time to tackle stage three of caravaning.
What do you actually do on a caravan holiday?
First we tried the local pub.
Yup, so then we do somebody to do what everyone else had done
and turned in for the night.
That's not a bed, is it?
-No. -No way you'll make it through the night.
That...
I have worked my fingers to the bone for that.
No, you can't sleep on there.
Jeremy, it's gonna go and you'll break your back in the night
and that'll wake everybody.
You two are sleeping in a double bed. I'm gonna ring the Daily Mail immediately.
-Can I just say guys? -Yes.
I've got a king-size bed at home.
-I like it. -I quite like it. It's nice.
-It's homely. -No, I'm...
I'm all right with caravaning.
Oh good, a train!
Nice, that's nice.
Listen.
How often is that gonna happen all night?
It's all right. It's romantic.
Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you.
Why is this good, Hammond?
-What, walking? -Yeah.
Because, well, it's bracing, it's good exercise.
See stuff, look.
What am I seeing here that's interesting?
I'm from Oxfordshire, which is all green.
I've come to Dorset and it's all green.
-It's a different sort of green though. -It isn't. It just isn't.
To shut him up, we did a bit of Top Gear twitching.
One is a Jag, new one, X.
A... diesel.
I'll probably look the other way.
-Look at that camper there. -Oh, good work!
-It's a high-end. It's a Westfalia! -It is a Westfalia.
After our walk, Jeremy said he'd cook lunch.
-Oh, Go--! Richard! -What?
Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
No, why?
How do you put a pan fire out?
Tea towel and water.
Richard.
Is there ready water?
No, I used it all on my hair.
Guys, it is no longer a pan fire. It's a van fire.
-It is. -You are joking.
-How in the name of...? -God in heaven.
-Put it out. -Put it out. Where's the oven...
Use the oven glove.
The cushion's on fire. I've made it worse.
Step back. Get everything out.
It's hot in here.
I've gotta move the car.
-It's okay. I've got his dressing gown. -How am I gonna rescue all of this?
Richard, don't go back in there. The gas.
I wonder how that happened.
How did you set that one on fire?
I tried to beat the fire out with the cushion.
I threw it out the window and I think I torched it.
I can think of one good thing, James.
What?
Well, you won't have to apologize to the people
whose caravan that is for breaking their awning.
Brilliant.
All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
I think well.