Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from questions asking what are the
common signs of Vulnerable narcissism sometimes refer to his covert narcissism. Now grandiose
narcissism, sometimes referred to as overt narcissism is usually easier to spot. What we
often see there is domineering behaviour. There's arrogance, a sense of superiority. There's haughty
behaviour and being highly resistant to criticism. Vulnerable narcissism however is not always that
easy to spot, at least not at first. Which is why it s sometimes referred to as covert narcissism,
it's more under the radar. With vulnerable narcissism what we often see is someone
who's maybe quite self deprecating. They are insecure and they re hypersensitive
to criticism. Regardless of how the narcissism presents what we often see is a huge sense of
entitlement and being disagreeable, a constant need for validation and attention and lacking
empathy for others. Vulnerable narcissism can be mistaken as introversion, shyness or anxiety,
and indeed, they can't feel and experience those things. There can be mixed feelings around seeking
attention the attention they desperately crave. They are excited by positive feedback,
admiration and sympathy. But they were also highly sensitive to negative feedback and rejection.
So the following behaviours would be long term and pervasive, not just once in a while. And although
many of the characteristics are similar to what we see with grandiose narcissism, how they present is
different. So firstly vulnerable narcissists tend to live a life of unfulfillment, constant strain
and negative emotion. They often highlight their pain and their difficulties. Their issues are far
worse and much more important than anyone else's. They experience a lot of negativity in their
lives and exaggerate that negativity for either attention or to avoid responsibility. We often
see self sabotaging behaviours. Now there can be a need to be rescued, but every solution that's
offered will have a problem. Every goal will have an insurmountable obstacle. They also tend
to sabotage those closest to them as well, just to keep them under a state of strain also. Secondly,
they can be both controlling and devaluing in their relationships. Vulnerable narcissists
tend to seek out relationships where they will be constantly admired, idolised but also rescued.
They tend to live in a state of helplessness. They can make their partner feel special in order to
get what they want, but that changes very quickly once the relationship is established. They demand
love, respect and constant reassurance, but they don't reciprocate. They control their partners
through guilt tripping and shaming. They claim they are the ones who are neglected and abused
if the partner doesn't give them what they want. Thirdly, they can feel uncomfortable in or avoid
situations that are either unfamiliar to them or they feel they lack control. They can swing
between feeling superior and inadequate very quickly, so tend to avoid situations or people
where they might feel inadequate. Their opinion of themselves can be shattered quite easily. So
if anyone else shows confidence, autonomy or receives positive regard from others, that can
trigger a sense of inferiority and envy in them. Which is why we often see devaluing and sabotaging
behaviour towards their partners, their colleagues, sometimes even their own children.
Number four is blame shifting and shaming. A common behaviour with narcissism is not
accepting any responsibility for their own actions. They tend to project blame onto others,
to shift the attention away from themselves onto something or someone else. That shifts the focus
of the conversation. It shifts the focus of the issue at hand. Grandiose narcissists can be quite
outspoken whenever they're projecting. They may for example appear righteously indignant. But with
vulnerable narcissism we see different strategies. They can be quite measured, maybe even gentle as
they explain why something is your fault. Or they could feign confusion, not understand what the
problem is or indeed why it is a problem. Their victims can become exasperated, frustrated as
they try to explain what is usually a quite simple concept. Or they can become upset, pretend that
they are the victim. They are being bullied. The actual victim now feels shame over having raised
the issue in the first place and having caused upset. Many times they often end up apologising.
This works for the vulnerable narcissist in the sense that they receive reassurance. They also get
off the hook and often just go back to doing the same things. Number five is being highly
sensitive to criticism. Now even though they may be sarcastic themselves or dismissive themselves,
they can feel humiliated by any kind of feedback that doesn't validate or reassure their version
of themselves. You might just see low mood, depression or just wanting the world to end.
Even constructive criticism can be crushing. Narcissists tend to have a fragile sense of
themselves and need others to validate and to praise them just to reinforce their sense
of self importance. Any kind of criticism can feel humiliating, so even a disagreement over
something trivial can feel like a crushing defeat for a vulnerable narcissist, they might become
withdrawn, sullen. Vulnerable narcissists can come across as if their perfectionists, but what they
really want is for things to work out the way they want them too. They want things to happen the way
they imagine. They can become angry even if plans change suddenly. They can experience a low mood, a
sense of defeat, if things don't work out the way they had wanted, and they rarely do. For instance,
they could start a new job. It is the ideal job and they're really enjoying it so long as
they re new, they re the centre of attention. But if they start getting negative feedback,
they might feel as if they're being bullied. Or their partners might be the most amazing person
in the world. But it's not long before they are a disappointment for not being the version of
them that they had created in their head. Number six is low self-confidence and low self esteem.
Vulnerable narcissists have a lot of insecurities. Unlike grandiose narcissists, they can be quite
self deprecating, but usually only to a select audience that they know are going to rally around
to support and to reassure them. Again, unlike a grandiose narcissist, they don't exaggerate their
contribution to something. Instead, they will exaggerate what they had to sacrifice or what
a struggle it was for them. They present dilemmas to other people, things they re struggling with,
terrible things that have happened to them and present terrible illnesses and injuries. They
feed off the sympathy, the positive affirmation and the compliments. But it's often hidden behind
false humility. Number seven is a quiet sense of superiority. They might appear reserved,
measured, even guarded. They can intellectualise or moralise to others, but this is often to hide
their own flaws and their own weaknesses. Because despite that sense of superiority, vulnerable
narcissists actually feel indequate whenever they compare themselves to others and this brings up
intense envy. They can be envious of how others look, their jobs, their status, their confidence,
even their happiness. Others don't deserve those things, they do. In friendships, relationships,
families, if they can't have what you have they don't want you to have it either. Now whenever
they re enviuos grandiose narcissists openly verbalise their anger. Covert narcissists tend
to be a bit more measured. They wait for their chance. What we often see there is resentment
and a seething rage. Which leads me onto number eight, passive aggressiveness. Vulnerable
narcissists don't necessarily like confrontation. They often communicate through third parties,
a form of triangulation and they often imply rather than threaten. Or they use sarcasm,
veiled humour, backhanded compliments such as, That would look good on you if you were a bit
taller or, That will look good on you whenever you lose some weight . They're also known for
playing the victim and guilt tripping others rather than just talk about what really going
on. They punish by withdrawing, giving the silent treatment, they abuse through neglect,
deliberately withholding things like information, resources, attention. In workplaces they might use
the rules to control and manipulate. Number nine is vindictiveness. Narcissists are very easily
wounded and this can lead to what s referred to as narcissistic rage. That wound could be something
like somebody got a promotion that they felt they deserved or someone received more praise than they
did. Or maybe someone has dumped them. And they might not necessarily say anything at the time,
but this will fester away at them. Narcissists tend to have a long memory. They want to get
some kind of revenge and even though with vulnerable narcissists that revenge might be
more passive aggressive such as gossip, character assassination, there could be anonymous online
stalking and harassment, they can still be quite hostile and sadistic. Now recent research suggests
that vulnerable narcissists are more prone to shame and rage and their grandiose counterparts.
But what we often see is that the vindictiveness is hidden behind a sense of injustice.
And number ten, they can show empathy, but it is a self-serving empathy. They can show care and
compassion towards others, but it's only really for their own gain, for their own reputation.
They can be very helpful towards others, but it's only for approval and admiration to boost
their self esteem and their self importance. Now indicators of this could be how they might hang
around after an event waiting to be praised by as many people as possible. Or watching how bitter
and resentful they become if they don't get the praise they feel they deserve. They can abandon
an act of charity at the drop of a hat if they think they're not going to get the admiration they
crave. Sometimes they might even claim there are just too nice, others take advantage of them. But
the biggest indicator, I think of the self-serving empathy is, regardless of how caring, selfless and
compassionate they might claim to be, hidden behind closed doors at home, their partners,
their kids, people in their lives, their lives are a misery. They are abused and they are neglected.
So that signs of vulnerable or covert narcissism. There are plenty more,
so as always, anything I've missed please being free to use the comment box below. And there are
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