(upbeat music)
- I've been hospitalized a couple times
since I've been pregnant with hyperemesis.
And the very first time was about a month ago.
And I was throwing up for about five hours
when I was taken to the hospital.
The doctor came in and he explained to me, and my sister,
and my husband who were all in the room, he said,
"You're gonna have to be here
for at least five hours getting liquids."
And without skipping a beat, my husband said to my sister,
"Okay cool, because I saw a place
where you can paint pottery nearby."
You guys are like, "Is he gay?"
So, my sister didn't even like, they didn't even like check
in with me if it was cool that they left me.
Like, as soon as he said pottery, like, they just left.
And I was like, "I'll be here."
And about an hour and a half later,
my sister rushed back in the room.
And she said, "Okay, listen.
Be nice to him about what he painted."
I'm like, "Okay."
She's like, "I'm serious. He worked really hard on it."
Okay.
She goes, "It's not very flattering."
I'm like, "What?"
But, my husband's brain is a little different.
'Cause you go to these places, you usually paint,
like, a teddy bear or a jewelry box, you know?
But, my husband decided to paint a plate
which he would use as a canvas to paint me.
And I'm gonna show you the picture.
I think it's important for you guys to see the picture.
And I just want to show you this and I want you
to know that there were no qualifiers
before he showed me this picture.
He was sure it was pretty good.
This is the picture that he painted.
(audience laughing)
I was in the hospital, guys.
I wanted to go, "What's my chin on my neck?"
I look like Trump, like I look.
(audience laughing)
I couldn't say any of this to him, okay?
Yeah here, get rid of it.
People are leaving. This is upsetting.
This is an upsetting image.
- I got an American manager, Chad the American manager,
never heard more crap come out of a man's mouth in my life.
"Kid, what you got to think about me, okay,
is that I'm not your manager, I'm your teammate, okay?
And there is no I in team."
But, there is one in bullshit!
Tricked me into signing with him, did Chad, as well.
He was like, "Kid, you sign with me,
there is a movie with a part in it.
Oh my God, this part, it was written for you, kid.
It was written for you.
I represent the director.
You sign with me, the part is yours."
I was like, "Oh great, thanks Chad. Sign me up."
Joined the agency, auditioned for the part that was
"written for me", didn't get it,
went to see the film six months later.
Do you know who was playing the part that was
"written for me"?
Idris Elba.
(audience laughing)
Idris Elba.
I'm not having a pop, obviously Idris is a great actor.
And you know, in hindsight he probably made
a much better Nelson Mandela than I would have.
It's fine.
I have been on a long walk to freedom.
It wasn't right, don't need the voice.
It's not even the worst audition Chad got me.
The worst audition Chad got me came
when I was in America last.
Now, before I tell you what this audition was for,
I need to give some of you a little bit of backstory
about my acting career.
When I was at school, I was a big fan of drama.
I know, shock horror.
Not the only fan of drama at my school, though.
The other guy that was really into drama at my school
was a chap called Robert Pattinson.
There he is, young R. Patts, star of the "Twilight" films.
And every time there was a school play at my school,
Robert Pattinson would get cast in the lead role
and 'Villager 17' would go to this guy.
Yeah, laugh it up.
For some reason, my drama teacher wanted
the star of his play to be the young James Dean
and not the young k.d. lang.
And it's fair to say that over the years I've built up
a little bit of resentment towards R. Patts.
He became my rival.
Rival's a strong word.
Nemesis, he is my nemesis.
And I've made a lot of jokes about him before.
I've called him a wooden actor.
I've written an entire show about him.
I have milked that titty dry
for every droplet of its bitter, bitter milk.
But eventually, I woke up one day and I was like,
"You need to put that anger away in a box.
You need to hide it away and you need to get on
with your life."
And I vowed that I would never speak about Robert Pattinson
on stage ever again.
And it was going really well until Chad called me up
out of the blue. He was like, "Kid, oh my God.
I got you an audition for a movie.
This part is amazing.
And get this, in this movie you would be starring
opposite Robert Pattinson."
OMG, FML, WTF.
And you know what the word was that chimed, opposite, right?
Now below, not beneath, not behind Robert Pattinson,
opposite Robert Pattinson.
After all these years of feeling inadequate at his hands,
finally me and my nemesis were on a level playing field
and it felt amazing.
I was like, "Well Chad, tell me about the part.
You know, what are we? A couple of swashbuckling heroes?
You know, good cop, bad cop?
Two dashing gents competing for the hand of a fair maiden?"
He went, "No, not quite.
In this movie, you would be playing Matt.
And Matt," get ready for it, all right,
"Matt is Robert Pattinson's character's
mentally-handicapped brother."
(audience laughing)
Yes, I thought it was a tasteless joke, as well.
Ten minutes later, that dropped into my inbox.
It was a genuine audition to play the younger brother
of Robert Pattinson with,
to use the politically correct term, Chad,
learning difficulties.
So, I had to go and have a little think about this offer,
okay.
I told my friends.
They all thought it was hilarious.
I told my father.
My father, slightly more pragmatic
about the whole situation.
He went, "Well, you've gotta go for it son.
Those kind of parts are Oscar bait.
Look at history, "What's Eating Gilbert Grape",
"Rain Man", "Forrest Gump".
You know what they say, son, play a mong' get a gong."
(audience laughing)
Oh, could you not say that?
You have just said that.
But, here's where the ego of the actor kicks in.
Within about five minutes, I'm thinking well,
he has got a point.
This is my chance to prove
to the world that I'm a serious actor.
I'm taking the audition.
It was the weirdest audition I have ever done.
The first thing that was unusual
about this audition is that there was no script.
I was told that I would just have to walk in to the room
with the casting director and improvise in character.
Well, I had to ask some questions.
I went in, the casting director was sat there.
I was like, "Hello, I just needed to know, how
mentally, you know, do you want me to be?"
He was like, "What you're doing now is fantastic."
I haven't started!
The note that came back was amazing.
They referred me to the original email.
They said, "What we want from your character,
everything about him should be dulled and emotionless,
from facial expressions to the tone of his voice."
I said, "Is it not gonna look weird if I'm doing
the exact same thing as Robert Pattinson?"
(audience laughing)
Burn, yeah.
Woo!
Yeah, I didn't get the part.
- That leads me to my favorite type of communicating online
which is one-on-one.
Does anyone text with their parents?
Okay.
Did anyone teach their parents how to text?
All right, seems like it's going pretty good
based on the two people who clapped.
I taught my mom how to text.
I feel like she made very quick progress,
which I just wanted to detail in brief.
She started out writing texts like emails.
My nickname, Apps, would be the subject in bold.
Then, she would start a message, "Hope Nashville was fun
when we got married Dad would."
And then, she would just get tired
and walk away from the phone
'cause this is all we ever got of this one.
When we got married, Dad would.
I'm like, "Oh, that sounds like Dad.
Classic Dad move."
Then, she started using it more practically.
This is when we're in the museum together.
She wrote, "Tell me before you go to next floor.
I'm with Picasso."
So I write, "Shall we meet at the exit in seven minutes?"
And then within seconds, she responds,
"Already on ground floor and hungry please."
Apparently my mom moves through art museums
at raptor-like speeds with an insatiable need to feed.
But, I think food just makes her very antsy.
One time, I got these back to back.
"Apps, I bought you a sandwich at Blossom.
Did you get my message about sandwich?"
She needs to move the product.
Then, she got really advanced.
One day, she just straight up sent a blurry photo
of the moon with no context.
Except an hour later this came in,
"Bigger and brighter moon today lovelies."
Now, I don't know if this means
my mom is now amateur weather reporting
or this is the first sign she's becoming a witch.
But either way, I'm here for it.
She also was author of this, "Remember I told you
about the man with the funny first name.
Please don't share with anyone."
Like, that's not fair. You know what I do.
This is sabotage to the first degree.
And then, I don't know how many people are familiar
with the iPhone handwriting function.
It definitely wasn't made with her in mind.
But one day, this line just comes in to my sister and I.
And my sister's not gonna let it go, so she just writes,
"What is that line for?"
Which is definitely a reasonable question.
And I guess my mom took an improv class at some point,
'cause she was ready for it.
She just responded, "That is life however you want
to interpret it, it keeps going."
(audience laughing)
I was like, oh man, game set and match.
You win that one.
And you know, you're like, "Oh, your mom's pretty advanced,
where does your dad fall in all this?"
He's a little more limited.
Started out writing texts like this,
that was sort of a classic one from him.
And you know, he's not a man of many words
so that was a lot for him.
Then, he sort of evolved into like a mild interrogation.
"Like what," was sort of phase two.
And now, he can write a full message,
"Hey Apps, what time can we expect
to have the fun of your company!
Will help plan our day better!"
Unfortunately, the emojis don't always match the tone
of the message.
This is some kind of fear, love combination.
I guess you could argue most love comes from fear,
so really he's quite deep.