My home country, Australia, is a commonwealth nation which means
our head of state is Queen Elizabeth the second.
Her family is our Royal Family and it's getting bigger by the day.
A few weeks ago, a new Prince was born and
Prince Harry just got married to Meghan Markle. With more Royal news, please welcome
one of our writers, and official English person, Matt Kirshen.
>>Thank you, Jim. I am legally English.
>>I presume you're excited about the Royal wedding?
No, it's ridiculous.
>>Yeah! Absolutely.
>>The Royal family IS ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It's undemocratic. It's unfair.
>>And it's absolutely essential.
You really believe that? I mean, I'm technically one of the Queen's subjects and
even I just think it's a crappy celebrity family. It's like if you had to
bow to a Kardashian.
>>Jim, it's much worse than that.
>>It's like if the Kardashians only mated with other Kardashians
>>for hundreds of years and after centuries of inbreeding, whatever crawled out of the final Kardashian was on your money.
I'm confused. You're in favor of this, why?
>>Because it's honest.
>>Like that's the difference between America and the commonwealth countries.
>>In America, every child is told, "you can be President when you grow up".
>>It's bullshit!
>>No one in this room will be President.
>>No one watching this at home will be President. You're dreaming!
Just let them dream, Matt. It's fun!
>>Yeah, it's fun to think you'll grow up to be Batman, but it's no way to run a country.
>>Look,
>>when I was 3, I was told-
>>"You will never be King".
>>Like, that's what they tell little children. You won't be King, you won't be Queen.
>>Give up.
>>And we grow up angry and resentful. And that's why we have free healthcare.
I'm not sure I'm seeing the connection.
>>Jim, right now in London, there is a 4 week old baby
>>who is legally superior to both of us.
>>Prince Louis is currently less intelligent than a dog
>>and he is more fit to lead the country than I'll ever be.
>>The only thing stopping us from storming the castle is free penicillin.
I will give you that. It is true that healthcare is great in the commonwealth.
Like, I can go into a hospital with a snake bite from a snake that I actually raised to bite me on purpose
and the doctor will be like, "aw, nipped you again did it, Jim? We'll get that fixed up!"
>>Right, exactly! You don't get that with your "I can do anything" American bullshit!
>>Like, ohh I can be President if I do my homework and brush my back teeth.
>>Oh! I can overthrow a tyrannical government with an AR-15 and my buddy Mike who does situps.
>>We know we can't. So we don't try.
>>That' the trade-off. The Royals get a gold carriage. We get 8 months maternity leave.
>>Private Royal toilet?
>>4 weeks of paid vacation.
Private toilet?
>>Yeah, Jim. Yeah. The Queen has her own private toilet wherever she goes.
>>And that's her burden.
>>It sounds great, but, if she destroys it--
>>she can't blame anyone else.
>>Like, WE get to go, "oh I don't know who was in there before me!"
>>Not the Queen.
Still, going your whole life being told you're a second class citizen. Isn't that a little....pessimistic?
>>Yeah! Britain is built on pessimism.
>>Our most famous slogan is "Keep Calm and Carry On".
>>It might as well say, "shut up dickhead and know your place."
>>And that got us through a war!
Come on, Matt. America may eventually get universal healthcare.
>>No. Not while the "American dream" is a thing.
>>You will never get the freedom that comes with being worth less than the corgi shit a butler tongues off the bottom of the Queen's shoe.
>>Americans--
>>stop thinking you're all special. Just try to be more british about it. I know you can do it.
>>You used to be us.
Thank you, Matt Kirshen! He'll never be king. This guy? Never.