'Now Hawk, this is the moment of my revenge.'
Welcome Back to My Dark Corner of This Sick World.
‘He wastes his time and mine’
It’s fair to say that Hawk the Slayer is the product of its influences, most famously, Star Wars.
But, to be honest, outside of bad guy Darth Voltan.
‘And this place shall be wiped from the face of the land’
and his Palpatinesque superior.
‘Enter dark one’
It’s not very Star Warsy, owing a greater debt to classic western.
‘This is a story of heroic deed...’ #Look it's on the screen already, I'm not typing it twice#
Alright, alright, I can read. The film opens with a nocturnal attack.
This why guards customarily face outwards.
Voltan has come seeking gold and power.
‘It is my right as your eldest son’
Son? Brother would have been more believable.
‘Let the secret die, now’
Voltan kills his dad before the arrival of his younger brother Hawk.
‘The mind sword is now yours my son’
Probably a lesson in how you name your children; Voltan was always going to be a villain.
‘Voltan – the dark one’
and Jack Palance plays him like he’s auditioning for pantomime.
‘Oh I like a man with spirit!’
Time passes and Voltan kidnaps an abbess, demanding the greatest ransom since sliced bread.
'the gold had best be here, if not...'
Soldier Ranulf offers to help the nuns by finding a fabled warrior.
‘He is called Hawk’
#Fanfare#
#Signature western whisle#
and roving righter of wrongs.
‘She’s a witch’
She turned me into a newt.
'Silence scum.'
Riding to the rescue over acres of 80s synth pop, Hawk also gets a musical signature all of his own.
#Signature western whisle#
Isn’t it funny how something can work so well for Ennio Morricone but just be hilarious in another film.
‘Cut him down’
#Signature western whisle#
Hawk accepts Ranulf’s offer but this is too big a job for just them.
‘We have others to find’
Because what cinema needs is another rip-off of 7 Samurai.
This one via Lord of the Rings.
‘Beyond those gates shall be as dark as night but the mind sword shall light our way’
With the help of the witch he freed,
‘With the help of my powers you will journey to where each man is’
Hawk tracks down the giant.
#Signature western whisle#
Just keeps getting funnier. The elf…
and the Dwarf.
‘There’s a hole here as big as the pit of Gimri in the iron hills’
And they get the ransom money from a local slave trader.
I wonder if Peter Jackson saw this.
Now they have the ransom, and the son of Voltan comes to collect.
‘I am no messenger, but I will give you a message, the message of death’
Solid opening line, but…
The good guys don’t trust Voltan and fair enough, you want to see the abbess released first,
so they go to Voltan’s camp.
There’s not a lot of jeopardy in the fight scenes but my bigger question is,
why did you steal the ransom money if you had no intention of paying it?
‘Sister there is no guarantee he will return the abbess, even if the money is paid in full’
At least give him the option.
‘I’d sooner eat cow dung’
Voltan wants Hawk as much as the money and I’m just not happy with a hero who,
when given the option of sacrificing himself to save an innocent says ‘Sod that’
‘This is where the final struggle will be’
It’s not been any sort of a struggle so far, but now they are betrayed by one of the nuns.
‘I have a plan that will gave you the ransom and Hawk’
Who thinks that Hawk is putting his own safety above that of the abbess.
‘There would have been no ransom gold were it not for Hawk’
Doesn’t really matter if you don’t pay it, and for all the ‘Voltan doesn’t really want the gold’ talk,
'Enough!'
when he captures them...
‘Where is the gold’
‘Where you will never find it’
He wants it and Hawk is still refusing to hand it over.
Perhaps he has a plan.
‘We must free ourselves’
Needs some fleshing out. But then.
They are rescued by the witch using magic immobilising silly string.
‘How do we get back to the church?’
‘I will give you the way’
Are you going to use the silly string again?
‘My powders will create a whirlpool of flying fire darts to blind their eyes.
’That’s great but, honestly, the silly string was better.
Between their thus far indomitable fighting and leaning heavily witch’s magic,
this ought to be a foregone conclusion but suddenly it all goes wrong.
Good guys die.
Nuns die.
and we all know how this is going to end up.
‘Ten thousand times have I dreamed of killing you slowly’
Well there’s no arguing with slowly.
Hawk wins but here’s the thing; friends dead, nuns dead, the witch did everything for him
'Woman, we need use of your magic.'
She has a name.
And he still has the ransom.
‘The return of your lady is Hawk’s first concern’
Whatever you say.
They just seem to be making things very hard for themselves.
‘We shall meet again’
There was a sequel planned called Hawk the Hunter.
‘Your sleep of death will not last long.'
Oh yes it will.
'Some people can never keep their mouths shut.'
Thanks for watching. For more Sword and Sorcery reviews, click here.
Jack Palance plays Voltan turned up to 11, what are your favourite scenery chewing bad guys?
Let us know in the comments below.
'You go and peace - now.'