(somber organ music)
(Courtney sobbing)
- Thank you so much for coming
to the memorial service for Shayne Topp.
(sniffles) (sighs)
It's a good thing we didn't pay for him to get cremated
because he's about to get (beep) roasted.
(all laughing)
We asked all of his friends and family to come speak,
and they all said no.
So, this is who we got.
And so, in honor of Shayne, I'm gonna keep this short.
(all laughing)
But I just wanted to get this started
with my favorite quote of his, which I'll play for you now.
(Shayne screaming)
Thank you.
Let's get this started.
(somber organ music) (people clapping)
- Woo! Ow, ow!
Well, I can't believe he's gone.
You know, it's not every day your friend
gets pegged to death.
(all laughing)
Brutal. (sighs)
Well, if I'm speaking here,
Shayne must have not had many friends, which is fine.
I just wanted to make sure you guys noticed, too.
(people laughing)
What can I say about Shayne?
He was the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral.
(all laughing)
And watching X Files when the light's on.
Chickity China, the Chinese Chicken.
(all laughing)
Yeah, but I don't know where you guys
are gonna find a replacement.
You know, another short guy who cuffs his pants
and can read, it's pretty rare.
(people laughing)
You know, in all seriousness though,
Shayne's the funniest guy I know.
He's also the funniest guy he knows.
(all laughing)
Or knew. Sorry. He is dead.
- Yeah. (all chuckling)
Yeah, Shayne, he had all those muscles and for what?
(all laughing)
He couldn't fight death.
Ian, are you coming up here?
Okay. I'm just leave my headshot up here.
(all laughing)
(people clapping)
(somber organ music)
- I know a lot of you guys are thinking I'm whitefacing,
but I'm actually a mime.
(all laughing)
As a Shayne's only Black friend,
I wanted to do a little liturgical mime praise dance.
Thank you.
(gospel music)
♪ He is my friend, He is ♪
♪ He is my friend ♪
♪ Died for my sins ♪
♪ Oh, He died for you and me ♪
♪ Oh, yes He did ♪
♪ Glory of Him ♪
♪ Ah, Glory of Him ♪
♪ He's my friend ♪
♪ Hallelujah, oh yeah hallelujah ♪
♪ Said those praises with the moola ♪
♪ Shout out to my shooters ♪
♪ See I know just what I'm doin', started from the ruins ♪
♪ Now I got the juice and bread ♪
♪ Call that shit communion ♪
♪ Said she always 'bout whatever ♪
♪ Told me now or never ♪
♪ So she hit the door, she left her panties on the dresser ♪
♪ Said that school just wasn't for her ♪
♪ I swear I wouldn't trade ya, so I told 'er ♪
(all laughing and clapping)
- He's still going! He's still going!
(Kimmy laughing)
(somber organ music)
(all laughing)
- Hi, my name is Damien Haas.
From what I can tell, I was a close friend of Shayne's.
He always said it, but he had a weird thing about his eyes,
I didn't really believe it.
(Courtney laughing)
A lot of people have said some messed up things
about Shayne today, but I can't roast my dearest friend.
Not because of how close we are,
but I've always, always looked up to him,
if I was like sitting down and he was on a platform.
(all laughing)
So instead of roasting him, I'm going to be honoring him
by singing the music that is gone with him.
I will be doing the traditional
Topp family 21 scream salute.
I ask for everyone's silence and absolute seriousness.
- Okay.
- But if anyone can help me keep count,
that will also be helpful. (people laughing)
Ahh!
(Damien sings)
Ooh!
Ooh, oohie!
That was just one.
Ohh!
Ahh!
Ahh! Ah (coughs)
(people giggling)
That one counts as two.
- Okay. We're at 11.
- Ooh!
Oh-ohh.
Hah.
Hah!
Hahh!
Ahh!
Ohhh!
Ooh!
Oooh!
- One more.
- AHHHH!
(everyone claps)
- 21. 21.
(everyone continues clapping)
- Ian, are you still going up after this?
Yeah, I'm gonna leave my headshot.
(everyone laughs)
(somber organ music)
- I'm here. I have Shayne's termination paperwork.
- No, this is a funeral.
- This is a...
I should say something.
(people laugh)
On July 6th, 2015, Shayne interviewed with Smosh.
He was charming and personable.
He showed potential. Ian was intimidated.
(everyone laughs)
On November 9th, 2016, Shayne had a meltdown
when someone stole his talling shoes.
He was sent home early.
(everyone laughing)
August 2nd, 2017, Shayne files a complaint
against the coffee maker for being racist.
March 10th, 2017, Shayne recommends Damien to join the cast.
Ian was intimidated.
(everyone laughing)
April 12th, 2020 and July 18th, 2020, Shayne requests PTO
for his two different birthdays in the same year.
Neither was his actual birthday.
(people laughing)
On July 9th, 2021, several employees recounted
that they saw Shayne crying in his car,
listening to "drivers license."
Shayne came into work late. He said there was traffic.
(everyone laughs)
July 19th, 2021, Shayne broke his ankle.
We found out it was purposefully in an attempt
to actually feel real pain for once.
(everyone laughing)
January 15th, 2022, Shayne forgot Courtney's name
and instead continued to call her Lady Shayne.
(everyone laughs)
And then on March 1st, 2022, everyone complained
about Shayne ruining the kitchen
after making Sloppy Shaynes,
which is just red meat and Gatorade.
(everyone laughing)
I'm sorry for your loss.
(everyone laughing)
I do still have this paperwork, though.
If you- I- Well-
(everyone laughing and clapping)
(somber organ music)
- I have some words I'd like to say.
I didn't know Shayne Topp very well.
(everyone laughing)
Or really at all.
To be honest, I didn't really care to.
I think he has a sister?
- No.
- I'd like to think that Shayne is looking down on us
or looking up at us. Probably looking up at us.
- Yeah.
- And he would all want us to know one thing.
That Smosh has a St. Patrick's Day sale
on some of our favorite merch.
(Keith laughing)
Up to 40% off select items at smosh.com.
- Oh, my God. (laughs)
- If you'll indulge me, I have a few slogans I'd like
to pitch for our St. Patrick's Day sale.
(people laughing)
Shayne was unlucky,
but you must have found a four-leaf clover
because the sale starts today
(people laughing)
and ends on the 21st of March.
I'd rather die than be caught
without wearing green Smosh merch on St. Patty's Day.
(people laughing)
Buy a shirt that screams, "Kiss me. I'm Smosh-ish."
(everyone laughing)
It's getting hot in here.
- [Courtney] Okay.
- This is our athleisure line, by the way.
That's better.
It's a sham Shayne is no longer with us,
but that shouldn't stop you from shamrocking
that new Smosh sweater.
(people laughing) - Oh, my God.
- We have shirts of all sizes,
including large, medium, and leprechaun.
If leprechaun isn't small enough for you,
you could try our smaller size, Shayne Topp.
(people laugh)
Trust me, you don't wanna be caught dead
without this rad Smosh merch. Just ask Shayne.
(people laughing)
I'm so sorry, Shayne.
Shayne did tell me, before he passed,
that his one regret was not buying more cool Smosh merch.
So this one's for you, buddy.
These are our leggings, by the way.
- Oh wow. Impressive.
- [Kimmy] They go on so nicely.
(Ian mumbling)
- Censor that.
(everyone laughing)
- [Courtney] That's great.
- [Kimmy] Really nice.
- There you go.
Smosh.com. The St. Patty's Day merch sale's going
on right now and it ends on the 21st.
So right after you're done with this video,
go check it out before you die.
(people laughing and clapping)
(somber organ music)
- Ah, it's too bad.
(everyone laughing)
Hello, everyone.
No family, just friends, I'm seeing?
I'm seeing a lot of the same-style person here.
So I want to just say, Keith,
everyone's really happy you're here.
(people laughing)
I'm so happy you're here.
I have with me today, Shayne's will.
A will is legally-binding on its own
and yet, Shayne has written it in his own blood.
Damien will receive a 40-foot tall cutout
of Shayne that will follow him around.
That way, Damien can continue to live in Shayne's shadow.
(everyone laughing)
To Spencer, Shayne leaves his dying house plants.
He hopes Spencer can keep them barely clinging to life
the same way Spencer has with his own body.
(everyone laughing)
Ian shall receive all of Shayne's clothes,
which he must immediately donate to the children's Goodwill.
If you take them to the full-size adult Goodwill,
you will be laughed at.
(people laughing)
- Yeah. Yeah.
- To Lisa, Shayne leaves his estate.
Nope, sorry. That's Estate.
It's one of 50 governmental NFTs.
Unfortunately, NFTs will soon be worthless
just like Smosh will be without Shayne.
(people laughing)
Keith shall receive Shayne's health insurance.
We can figure out whatever the hell
he's been complaining about.
(everyone laughing)
- (beep) you!
(everyone continues laughing)
- Courtney shall receive Shayne's custom-scented candles,
including the scent he loves to smell the most,
his own (beep).
(people laughing)
To Tommy, Shayne leaves his books.
He says, "Ooh! I'm a big, big brain guy who reads!
And Tommy's a stupid (beep) idiot.
His vocabulary's itty-bitty
'cause he hasn't picked up a book in a literal decade."
He actually wrote that.
(everyone laughs)
And I'm not going through anything right now.
His final requests are that his remains
are not used as Smosh merch.
Although he knows that, like everything he's ever done,
it will be.
(everyone laughing)
His closing statement is this.
On "Goldbergs", I made $1,000 per minute of television.
Therefore, I have 50 bucks hidden inside...
It just ends there.
(everyone gasps)
Wait a second.
(people laughing)
May he rest in peace.
(everyone laughing and clapping)
(somber organ music)
(Garrett blows pitch pipe tone whistle)
♪ An influencer ascended ♪
♪ Six feet under ♪
♪ We'll all miss the lad named Shayne Robert Topp ♪
♪ We won't be forgetting a lad who loved pegging ♪
♪ All the things that he put in his anal canal ♪
♪ He brought so much beauty to getting pegged in the booty ♪
♪ From a strapped-on young lass and a bedroom pal ♪
♪ Now that Shayne is gone, let his legacy live on ♪
♪ Won't someone please peg ♪
♪ My anal canal ♪
♪ Won't someone please peg ♪
♪ My anal canal ♪
- Everybody!
♪ Won't someone please peg ♪
♪ My anal canal ♪
Again!
♪ Won't someone please peg ♪
♪ My anal canal ♪
One more time!
♪ Won't someone please peg ♪
♪ My anal canal ♪
♪ Won't someone please peg ♪
♪ My anal canal ♪
(everyone clapping)
(somber organ music)
- (sniffles) My dude.
(people laughing)
That's my dude. That's my man, right there.
(breathes in) (sighs)
All right. So as many of you know,
Shayne didn't physically go to college.
He got his psychology degree online and he struggled so hard
and for so long, like so long and he finally got it
after 10 years and then he died right after, so...
(people laughing)
You know, I, however, went to a prestigious college
and I got my psychology degree in four years. Thank you.
And since Shayne didn't get the full college experience,
I, a summa cum laude graduate,
just really wanted to honor him
with the age old college tradition
of pouring one out.
(aluminum can opens)
This is for you.
You'll be missed.
(everyone laughing)
You'll be missed.
(everyone continues laughing)
You need to be buried with La Croix.
(blows kiss)
(everyone laughing and clapping)
(somber organ music)
- What the (beep)!
(everyone laughing)
(beep) you guys!
(everyone continues laughing)
Well, thanks.
Nah, I love you.
(everyone laughing)
- Sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- We said you'd probably be okay with it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I Guess.
- Who's that guy?
(everyone laughing)
Oh, my God. What the (beep).