-It's not quite what I want. -So, what do you want?
I want it to be like my house.
-Is your house very stylish? -No.
And you can mock, okay?
And you probably will, instead of normal seats, wingback chairs.
I want a stone flag floor.
-Why not a wood-burning stove? -Yes.
Quaint my ride. You want...
Marie agreed to try a few things out,
saying she'd meet me at a workshop in a week's time.
-Take care. Be good. -See you soon. Bye-bye.
Get to work!
Unfortunately, when we met up, it quickly became apparent
that Marie had completely ignored my ideas and designed a vodka bar.
This is what I have.
What I have done is I have created a little pod which is for the drivers.
On the passenger side,
you've got a piece of glass which can convert, it's electric glass,
which can become opaque. The aim of the design is to create relaxation...
You see... No, no, look. Tweed doesn't go with it.
Yuck! Sorry.
I want... I want... wingback chairs.
I want wingbacks and I want a stone floor.
I left Marie to have a rethink and went to meet the builders.
How many of you are Polish?
You're Polish? Good. Have you done a car before?
No. No?
-I've done small bathrooms. Not cars. -Small bathrooms?
Think of it like that, but we don't need a bath.
The first job was to strip the Merc of its plastic wood and leather.
I've got a good mind to go round to the boss of Mercedes Benz, to his house
and see if he's got any of that in it.
I know you're not happy, but you're designing the sort of thing I'm after.
This is not design. I'm executing something silly here.
-It's not silly. -It's a doll's house.
-No. -How old are you, Jeremy?
-Nine. -Really? Going on five, I think.
Yes, I'm nine. I know I don't look nine. I am nine.
I've had an idea, okay? We'll try it my way first and then we'll finish.
Meanwhile, the Poles had found a problem with my intended location
for the wood-burning stove.
Is that the petrol tank?
-Your scheme is not going to work. -We have to move the petrol tank.
We'll make a smaller petrol tank...
That can't be very difficult and put it in the front passenger foot well.
He's a real rosbif... I mean, with all due respect!
He has no idea about design.
Finally, the centre console and all the seats
were where they belonged, in a skip.
So, the problem we've got is that the floor at the back
is raised higher than the front,
so where can we get a wingback chair that's only two feet tall?
Your scheme doesn't work.
This is why you gave in in the war. "Oh, it's too difficult."
-This is what the British do. -My scheme is... Oh, no, no, no.
We see a problem and we think, "How do we get round that?"
-No. -Ask them. They're Polish. They know.
Marie felt car interior design should be done in a studio,
but I was determined what we needed was a builder's yard.
This... is what I'm talking about.
A cement mixer.
Forget your welding, your plastic and your poppers.
Some cement and some plasterboard.
The cement would form a base for my stone flag floor.
While it was mixed, I introduced Marie to a builder's lunch.
What do you mean ew? What's the matter with chips with vinegar?
This is vile. That is really revolting.
The cement was finally ready.
All this concrete together, level, is going to be two tons.
Let's see how well this car's made.
Pour away, and I'll watch the tyres explode.
Next, the door panels, and of course Marie wanted something from the planet Zarg.
This is fantastic. It comes in different colours.
Jeremy, please, a bit of style.
But she lost that battle as well.
-It is going to be hideous. -What's the matter with plaster?
But what you want to do with it is going to be hideous.
When you hear this, just hear Agincourt. That's all you need to hear.
This is a joke. That's not design. It's set design.
Honestly, I would hate to see his house.
I can imagine his parents having trouble with him as a child
and again today, because he hasn't grown much.
With Anglo-French relations at an all-time low,
it looked like the car would never be finished.
But it was and here it is!
Yup!
Welcome to Anne Hathaway's cottage.
As you can see, I've got a wooden floor in the front
and in the back I've gone for stone flags. Over there, we've got the log store,
the wood-burning stove.
There's a little bookcase with a globe on the top.
Here's my wingback. I found one that fitted.
And all the furniture is fully adjustable.
This one, you see, goes forwards and back and this is a really nice touch.
It is a work of genius, this.
Normally, everything I do on Top Gear either ends up in a hedge,
or at the bottom of a lake, but I really am proud of that.
Yes. Well, to find out if his creation worked,
we thought we'd take it out for a test drive.
Right, then...
Adjust my seat.
-Are you ready? -Yes. I'm ready. Go.
-That's a design flaw. Stop. -That is a problem. Hang on.
-Why don't you go in the back? -I'm going to go in the back.
Now obviously Jeremy had added quite a lot of weight to the car,
so, how would it affect performance?
So, this was a 2.8 litre, six cylinder, nought to 60 about 11 seconds.
With a concrete floor and floorboards on top of that...
it's going to take longer than that.
Well, I brought a stopwatch.
-Three. Two. One. Go! -Yes...
-Plant pots are over. -Yeah.
Flower arrangement sliding backwards quickly.
My globe, my pots, my plants...
We're approaching 35 miles an hour.
This is the fastest Anne Hathaway's cottage has ever been.
-43 miles an hour. -Good. Yes.
If this gets any slower, we'll have to redecorate...
-Oh no! -What?
-The chimney's fallen off. -You're joking!
-Keep going. -I am! 56 miles an hour.
Hold on! 59!
60 miles an hour!
35.4 seconds!
I'm going to have to brake.
Having retrieved the chimney, we checked out the electrical systems.
It's stuck.
Reverse gear.
Brake lights. Brake lights.
-They're on! -They're not.
-Well, the brakes are on. -Well, the brake lights aren't working.
-That's an MOT failure. -It's more than that, mate.
The wire for the brake lights... The wire for the brake lights...
-Yeah? -...is on the floor, isn't it?
-Ah, under the concrete. -Yes.
He's concreted that in.
Never mind. Time to turn up the heater and test the handling.
We must now do a lap.
Three, two, one...
Go!
-Plant pots... -My seat's gone back!
Right turn coming up.
-Braced. -Now, turning.
Yup, yup, that's bad now.
That's bad. That's bad, that was.
-James... -Yes?
-Hammerhead's next. -Oh, no!
Turning...
Regain control of the cottage!
It's okay.
-Get out of the potpourri! -Okay.
Yeah, bleeding quite a lot. James, I can see double.
-It's left now... now. -Yup.
Oh! Yup.
That went well.
And we're nearly there.
Brake!
Across the line!
-Do you know what? -What?
-This is rubbish. -Terrible.