Some of our viewers are wondering "Should I force my kid to go to church?" -Good
question. -This whole topic just even the title, "force". What are we talking about?
What does that mean? -That word always catches my attention. -Yeah. It's such a
buzzword. -Ooh. And awful. -Yeah. -Nobody wants to be forced to do
anything. -Even things you want to do, you don't want to be forced to do it. -Well,
here's the thing: It's a myth okay that you can force your kids to go to church.
Now, I know that some people put it in those terms. I think that it's not
necessarily a useful way to think about it. Unless you are physically restraining
your child with 2 large people dragging them along. I'm thinking of this
because I have had kids that I've worked with in the past who went to a
residential treatment facility. -Yeah. -And two very large employees of the facility
would show up in the middle of the night and escort them by force. -Right. -To this
facility. Is that what we're talking about? -Right. -Usually, when parents are
asking this question, they're asking, "How big of a deal should I make out of this?
Should I insist that they go to church?" You can't force them. Can we just take
that out of the equation for a minute? We are not talking about force. And if
that's part of the vocabulary you use in your family culture... -That's probably the
first thing to change right there. -Let's change that. -Change that. -Change it to
what? -Choice. -Beautiful. Choice. Can I share a little story about this?
-Mm-hmm. -Since
we're talking about church, Vicki and I are people of faith and we have
regularly attended church with our family for all of these years. I was in
the position once of teaching a youth sunday-school class.
And these are like
14, 15 year old kids who weren't that interested in being in a sunday-school
class. Now, I had a relationship with these kids
and I liked him and they knew that I had
fond feelings for them. And so, I think they were okay being there with me.
But they didn't necessarily want to be there in church, right? In the Sunday School
class. So, when I went in to open the class,
I said this: "Don't come."
"Don't come to this class."
And they're all looking at me like, "Is he serious?" Right? That kind of
took them aback. And then I followed it up. "Don't come to this class unless this
is the very best place you could choose to be this hour. And if that is true, then
come. We'll have a great experience together. But if that's not true, please
don't come. It will be less pleasant for you and for me." And if there's somewhere
else that you would rather be during this hour, please go there with my
blessing. -Mm-hmm. -And they're looking at me like, "What!?" Well, this kid over in the
corner, he's leaning in his chair up against the wall and he's all
like, "My mom forces me to come." -I don't see your mom here. -I don't see your mom. Leave.
-Yeah. -So, what did he mean by force? He went on to explain. "Well, if I don't come
to church, I don't get to have access to my gaming system during the week."
Now, listen to what he's telling me. Oh, oh. Okay. So, what you're telling me is this
is the best place you could choose to be this hour, is that what you're telling me?
-Yeah, you're just you're building a culture in your family of choice. -Yes. -And
so he recognized that... Well with your help, he recognized that choosing to be
in church actually served him best for the rest of the week. -It was his choice
to be there. -Yeah. -And you can always identify that by asking "What would
happen if I didn't?" -Mm-hmm. -See? That introduces the element of choice. If I
choose out, then I have to deal with all of these consequences. Okay. So, you're
choosing in? -So, you're saying as a mom and a dad, if you if it's really
important to you for a church, you want to somehow build in some consequences
or some privileges that will be allowed to those that go to
church? -As a parent? You get to drive the family bus. Alright? And what I mean by
that is you get to make the rules, you get to set the expectations. It's some
version of the golden rule. Do you remember that? "Whoever has the gold makes
the rules", okay? I joke about that a little bit. But honestly, as the parents,
that's your responsibility. You get to set the expectation. -Now, I had a friend
recently asked me. They're almost this word-for-word. "Do I force my teenager go?
She doesn't want to write Church anymore." And I could say, "This is my
home. And if you live under my roof, you're going to go to church." But are you
ready to follow through with the consequence of kicking your teenager out?
And so, if not, then maybe it's more of a you can't really physically demand they
be there. You can tell them your preferences. And I said, "You can set up
privileges. If you attend church there's this particular privilege that
will be afforded to all those who attend church."
-I got an example of that too. One of the moms that I was working with. Her 18-year
-old son. Now, this is a legal adult. -Right? -Okay. At least the first stage of
adulthood. There's another stage that... It's at 21. But whatever. This kid, 18
years old was refusing to go to church. This was really important to mom. And I
would encourage you like.. Like, Vicki, you were just saying. Pick your battles
wisely. Okay? Our experience tells us... Clinical experience life experience
tells us that if you force your child to go to church. They become resentful,
rebellious and that's more likely to drive them away from the family faith in
the long run. -Yeah. -They'll leave it out of rebellion. If you create this culture
of choice, then you have a whole lot more to work with. But pick your battles
wisely. If this is so important to you as a parent, own it. And by own it, I mean
tell them it's important to you. Not to them. To you. Know this is important
because it puts you in a position where you can actually create a different
scenario. Here's what this mom did. And it was important to her, okay? She
was so committed to her faith. She really wanted her son to be a part of that. And
she realized she couldn't force him. He's 18. He's bigger and she is. So, here's the
scenario: She was providing him, okay? He's still living at home. She's providing him
laundry services, transportation, telecommunications. And interestingly
enough, she was providing him 30 bucks a week for lunch, okay? He was working a
little construction job. And you know, the catering truck comes by. And so she
gave him 30 bucks a week for lunch. So, you'd rather do that than make him lunch
every day. 30 bucks a week. And so, the lights start going on, right? It's
important to mom. How can you make it important to your child? And I
encourage parents a lot of times to ask the question "Why should they?" You can
come up with ten reasons as a parent why they should, right? But those are your
parent answers. Why should they? He didn't have any reason. And he's like, "You can't
cram your religion down my throat." And so, we came up with an idea that she was
going to pay him to go to church. She's got this thirty bucks to work with, right?
"Look, you go to church for an hour and a half, 2 hours..." Whatever it was. "..I'll pay
you 30 bucks a week to go to church. If you show up with a good attitude. Just
come with me. It's important to me. I'm willing to hire you to do that."
His job was paying him 8 bucks an hour. -So, it was a good deal for him. -Mom is
offering him like 15 bucks an hour to go to church. And but she wasn't forcing him.
She was like, "Hey, take it or leave it." -And I think you bring up a really good topic
right there is accept their answer. If they choose not to go.. You know, if you
set up all these incentives and they choose not to, remember that your
relationship with your child is more important than anything they can do.
Including putting their bottom on up you on Sundays. -Right. -The relationship is
most important. So, respect their choice as well if you've set it up as a choice.
-Yes. If they're sitting there resenting you and hating
you for it, are they getting what you wanted them to get out of church?
-Yeah. And of course this is age and maturity dependence. You know, a little
kid you're not going to leave them at home. So, there's no choice at that one. So,
there's different ways. We used to have a special candy jar that you got only on Sunday
if you actually sat on the bench versus crawl around. -We had Sunday treats. -Yeah. So,
remember, you're trying to teach these children and model for them respect and
choice and agency and responsibility. And so, always put that into context
at anything that you're doing.
-Vicki, mentioned the younger kids and that they don't really have a choice.
Everybody always has a choice. But it might not be a choice as to whether to
go with you to church or not at that age. It might be that they have a choice
to go with a good attitude or a bad attitude. -Or go on their own two
feet or being carried. -Right. They still have choices. And you can
still incentivize those choices. I want to reiterate the importance of owning
this. Do not assume or imply that this is important to them.
They're giving you a very strong message that it's not. Now, from your mature adult
mind, you're thinking, "Yes. But maybe some of this goodness will rub off on them." Or
whatever, right? You believe for your own reasons that that's a better place
for them to be than wherever else they would choose to be that day. Just to
own it. Let him know like this mom I was telling you about.
"Hey, it's important to me. And that's why I'm willing to hire you to go. Take it or
leave it." And then accept their answer. But in her case, she doesn't keep giving
him the $30 a week lunch money. That's available to him if he's willing to do
that little job that she's asked him to do. Right? And you might argue well he's
not doing it for the right reasons. Hmm, is that any worse than the position you
were in to start with? Honestly. I mean, it's probably better because we're
taking down the emotional fervor about this. We're building a culture of choice,
force. I guess the short answer "Should I force my kids to go to church?" --You can't.
It's not a should thing. You can't force them to go to. Not legally. -Right. -I mean
you can get in all kinds of trouble. Probably I've tried. But you can have
influence. You can incentivize. And you can own this yourself. Hopefully that
helps a little bit. If you're finding these videos helpful... And we sure hope
that you are. That's why we're here. We're here to support you as a positive parent.
There's so much more that's available to you. Would you take the moment to
schedule a call with one of our coaches? We have a whole range of services
available for you that will fit almost any budget. And if you talk with one of
our coaches, we'll work to fit something to your needs.
DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall.