♪ ♪
♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
>> Jon: WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOU?
WHAT'S THE WORD?
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO GOOD TO SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND.
PEOPLE OUT THERE DON'T KNOW BUT WE SAW EACH OTHER AT OUR FRIEND
JOHN ALTER'S BOOK PARTY FOR HIS BOOK "HIS VERY BEST" ABOUT JIMMY
CARTER, AND THERE YOU WERE.
>> Jon: I KNOW, IT'S BEEN MONTHS.
SINCE MARCH 12 SINCE I LAST SAW YOU.
>> Stephen: IT WAS SO DIFFERENT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON.
I HAD TO FIGHT THE URGE TO GIVE YOU A HUG BUT THAT'S NOT
HYGIENIC.
>> Stephen: YEAH, EVERYBODY WEARING A MASK.
BUT IT WAS GREAT TO SEE.
I COULD FEEL A HEART, YOUR ENERGY FROM YOU.
WE HAD TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN AGAIN SOON, PLEASE.
>> EVIE IS HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO SAY HI?
>> Stephen: YES!
WAVE INTO IS IT CAMERA RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVIE.
JON, YOU GOT ANYTHING ON YOUR MIND OR FINGERS?
>> Jon: I WAS WORKING ON THE KAMALA SONG.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> Jon: WE'VE GOT TO GET IT GOING, MAN.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL?
>> Jon: YEAH, WE'RE DOING IT.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I'M GOING TO SEND IT TO YOU.
CHECK IT OUT.
>> Stephen: PLEASE, SEND IT TO KAMALA.
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GIVE ME SOME POINTERS ON THERE.
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ENERGY.
>> Stephen: IT'S POSITIVE, UPLIFTING, IT DRIVES, NICE.
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT.
I SMELL A SINGLE.
ALL RIGHT, JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: LAY UT ON.
-- IT ON, YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: NOW, AS MUCH OF A LOG FLUME OF
LIES AS THIS WEEKEND WAS, THERE ARE SIGNS TRUMP MAY BE FEELING
BETTER, BECAUSE THIS MORNING HE TWEETED 16 TIMES.
TURNS OUT ANOTHER SIDE EFFECT OF DEXAMETHASONE IS "RESTLESS THUMB
SYNDROME."
I'M NOT GOING TO READ YOU ALL OF THEM, BUT SEE IF YOU SPOT A
TREND: STOCK MARKET HIGHS.
VOTE!
STRONGEST EVER MILITARY.
VOTE!
LAW AND ORDER.
VOTE!
RELIGIOUS LIBERTY.
VOTE!
401-K.
VOTE!
SPACE FORCE.
VOTE!" (AS TRUMP, SINGING "SHOUT")
♪ A LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW.
♪ VOTE.
♪ A LITTLE BIT SOFTER NOW ♪ ♪ I'M A LIG BIG LIAR NOW ♪
♪ VERY CONTAGIOUS NOW ♪ ♪ VOTE ♪
♪ HAY, HAY, HAY, HAY ♪ WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
ARCHIE, I APOLOGIZE TO HIM.
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY TRUMP IS DESPERATE TO FIRE UP HIS BASE,
BECAUSE THERE ARE A BUNCH OF NEW POLLS OUT AND THEY ARE NOT GOOD
FOR THE PRESIDENT.
THE LATEST NBC NEWS-"WALL STREET JOURNAL"-AMY'S BLACK BEAN
VEGETABLE SOUP POLL FOUND OUT THAT "BIDEN'S NATIONAL LEAD OVER
TRUMP JUMPED TO 14 POINTS AFTER THE DEBATE."
EVIDENTLY, MIDDLE AMERICA DID NOT RESPOND TO TRUMP'S CORE
MESSAGE: "NAZIS, STAND BY, AND AWAIT FURTHER ORDERS."
THE DEBATE SEEMS TO HAVE REALLY HURT TRUMP "WITH VOTERS SAYING
BY TWO-TO-ONE THAT BIDEN HAS THE BETTER TEMPERAMENT TO BE
PRESIDENT."
AFTER THAT DEBATE, VOTERS ALSO FOUND THAT TRUMP HAS WORSE
TEMPERAMENT TO BE PRESIDENT THAN A COKE-ADDLED MONGOOSE, OR A
MACHETE DUCT-TAPED TO A ROOMBA.
IT'S NOT JUST NATIONALLY, THE LATEST "NEW YORK TIMES"-SIENA
COLLEGE-DEPENDS PROTECTION PLUS POLL FOUND THAT "BY
OVERWHELMING MARGINS, VOTERS IN PENNSYLVANIA AND FLORIDA WERE
REPELLED BY PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CONDUCT IN THE FIRST GENERAL
ELECTION DEBATE."
HIS BEHAVIOR WAS SO RUDE, HE OFFENDED FLORIDA.
NORMALLY, THEY DON'T GET UPSET UNLESS YOU USE THE SALAD FORK ON
YOUR DESSERT METH.
APPARENTLY, VOTERS AREN'T FEELING TOO SYMPATHETIC ABOUT
TRUMP'S ILLNESS EITHER.
THE LATEST REUTERS-IPSOS-WENDY'S TRIPLE QUAD BACONATOR POLL
"FOUND THAT 65% OF VOTERS AGREED THAT IF PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD
TAKEN CORONAVIRUS MORE SERIOUSLY, HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT
HAVE BEEN INFECTED."
WELL, YEAH.
HE'S CONSISTENTLY DOWNPLAYED THE RISK, REFUSED TO WEAR A MASK
AND, AT AMY CONEY BARRETT'S NOMINATION, TRUMP MANNED THE
KISSING BOOTH.
SO WITH HIS NUMBERS SAGGING, TRUMP IS EAGER TO GET BACK ON
THE TRAIL.
ACCORDING TO ONE ADVISER, "THE PRESIDENT IS 'CHOMPING AT THE
BIT' TO HIT THE ROAD AGAIN."
AND CHOMPING AT THE BIT IS NOT A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
DR. CONLEY HAS PUT HIM ON A COURSE OF HORSE AMPHETAMINES.
IN FACT, ONE MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S TEAM TOLD FOX
BUSINESS THAT "TRUMP WILL BE BACK TO 'FULL FRONTAL
CAMPAIGNING VERY, VERY SOON,'" FULL FRONTAL.
THAT WAY, EVERY STATE'S A SWING STATE.
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN STAFF ALSO WANTS HIM BACK OUT THERE.
THEY BELIEVE "THE PRESIDENT BEING HOSPITALIZED UNDERCUTS HIS
MAIN ATTRIBUTE OVER BIDEN: THAT HE APPEARS STRONGER AND
TOUGHER."
YES, YOU DON'T WANT VOTERS TO KNOW THE PRESIDENT IS MORTAL!
REALLY CLASHES WITH THEIR MAIN MESSAGE OF "MAN STRONG, TIE
LONG."
BUT, THIS IS SHOCKINGLY NOT SURPRISING.
"INDOOR EVENTS ARE EXPECTED TO CONTINUE, AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
WILL NOT REQUIRE MASK USE."
IN FACT, THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE IT A FEATURE.
"LEAVE YOUR MASK AT HOME, AND WIN A JELLO LUNCH WITH THE
PRESIDENT!" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JON BON
JOVI.
YEAH.
BON JOVI.
♪ ♪