-Thank you very much, everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, last night
President Trump held a press conference
and this one was out there, even for him.
I mean, when Time-Life releases a box set
of Trump's craziest moments, this will be on it.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was asked to commit
to a peaceful transition of power,
if he loses the election, and this was his response.
-Well, we're gonna have to see what happens.
You know that I've been complaining very strongly
about the ballots and the ballots are a disaster.
We wanna have -- Get rid of the ballots
and you'll have a very transf-- we'll have very peaceful --
There won't be a transfer, frankly,
[ Laughter ] There'll be a continuation.
-Whoa.
-So, if Trump loses the election,
getting him out of the White House
will be like trying to get a bird out of your living room.
[ Laughter ] It's like, "Oh...no.
I got him. Hold on! Okay.
Nobody move! He's -- He's behind the curtain!
Nobody move! Shut the door! Shut the door!
[ Laughter ]
I'm getting the feeling this year is gonna end
with Trump locking himself in the Oval Office
while yelling in the phone...
[ As Trump ] Space Force, attack!
[ Laughter ]
Even with five extra people, it sounds fantastic.
I will take it.
[ Applause ] I love you. I love you.
Safe, distanced,
distanced, socially distanced, everyone is safe, but, man,
it feels good.
It feels great, actually.
[ Cheering, laughter, and applause ]
Ah! I'm so happy right now. I just wanna --
Let's roll the credits. The show's over.
I'm happy.
Bye, everybody. Take care.
♪♪
Ah!
The peaceful transfer of power is
one of the pillars of our democracy
and Trump treats it like a brunch he might bail on.
[ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] Game time decision.
I have to see how my day's going.
I'm not sure. [ Laughter ]
I do love a little eggs Benny, though.
[ Laughter ]
After Trump's comments,
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tried
to assure people that things would be okay.
He tweeted...
And, if recent news has taught us anything,
it's that you can always count
on Mitch McConnell to keep his word.
[ Laughter ]
-Ooh!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Seriously, even though the Republicans were like,
"Mitch, please."
[ Laughter ]
Later in the press conference,
a reporter asked Trump about Meghan Markle
basically supporting Joe Biden,
and this is what he had to say about her.
-I'm not a fan of hers.
And she probably has heard that.
But I wish a lot of luck
to Harry
-Oh! -'cause he's gonna need it.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, God.
-Wow!
Who had Meghan Markle on their random
Trump Insults Bingo card, anyone?
[ Laughter ]
If you're keeping track, Meghan Markle's got beef
with the queen of England
and the president of the United States.
She's just one Jay-Z fight away
from taking on the entire Illuminati.
[ Laughter ]
After that, Trump was answering a question
about the coronavirus vaccine
when he used a made-up excuse to get out of there.
[ Laughing ] Watch this.
-Ultimately, the White House has
to approve it and...
maybe we will and maybe we won't,
but we'll be taking a look. -Mr. President.
-I have to leave for an emergency phone call.
[ Laughter ] I'm gonna let Scott and Larry finish up.
-That's right. That's right. Trump was like...
[ As Trump ] Uh, yeah, what's the emergency, what, what?
Everything I just said at this press conference?
Okay, yeah, bye.
Hey, listen to this. Earlier today, it was announced
that Russian President Vladimir Putin
was nominated for the [ Laughing ] Nobel Peace Prize.
[ Laughter ]
Yep. Putin is thrilled,
while everyone else in the category is poisoned.
[ Laughter ]
First Trump, then Putin?
Right now, Kim Jong-un is standing
by a tin can on a string like, "Any second now...
[ Laughter ]
Any second now."
Well, guys, Halloween is just around the corner,
but, this week, the CDC announced
that no one should have Halloween parties.
-[ Groaning ] -Yeah. It's a huge bummer.
It almost feels like the CDC knows it, too.
I mean, check out the PSA that they released today.
-We at the CDC are here to guide you through the COVID pandemic,
which is why we're announcing, come October...
...should take place. None.
Not even our own office Halloween party,
which is downright sick.
I mean, this party is off. the. hook.
We've got fog.
We've got a DJ.
We've got Anthony Fauci as Batman,
entering on a zip line?
It was so 2019.
It was a different time.
And, this fall, we all have a collective responsibility
to not recreate last year.
No matter how lit. it. was.
[ Laughter ] This party is legendary.
Last year, Brenda from Genetics
dressed as Streptococcus pneumoniae.
Take that, Heidi Klum!
You can't control this banger,
but you can control
the virus.
So just be safe. Stay inside.
Rewatch "Tiger King."
I mean, okay.
Can you imagine the costumes, though?
Bret in Lab Safety was gonna bring an actual tiger.
-[ Growl ] -And you think we couldn't top last year?
Tell that to our hologram Joseph Walter Mountin.
He founded the CDC, bitch!
God, I'm gonna miss this party. God!
CDC.
Wear your mask.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Unfortunately, Halloween isn't the only celebration
that's being affected by the pandemic.
It looks like New Year's Eve is gonna be different, too.
-For the first time in 114 years,
there's gonna be no crowd, no revelers, allowed
in Times Square. -[ Sighs heavily ]
-Organizers announcing
a new virtually enhanced event
with live components that incorporate social distancing.
-Yeah. And, if you're upset you can't go
to Times Square on New Year's Eve,
then I'm pretty sure you've never been
to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
[ Laughter ]
Virtual, not virtual.
Live, pretaped.
It doesn't matter.
Just get us the hell out of 2020, please!
[ Laughter and applause ] Carson, just say it!
Just say it now, and we'll all agree it's New Year's.
Meanwhile, Planet Fitness is like, "Damn,
what the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 purple top hats?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Clap ]
Well, this is fun.
The company that makes emojis
just announced 217 new ones.
Most of them are variations on existing emojis,
but some of them are pretty surprising.
Here, take a look.
First one is called...
[ Laughter ] This next one is called...
[ Laughter ]
[ Slaps leg ]
Takis. -Yeah.
-This one is called...
That's fun.
And, finally, this new emoji is called...
-Oh! -There you go.
[ Smattering of applause ] And now,
quickly changing pace a little, here's a new segment, called
"How Was That Legal Until Now??"
♪♪
-The MTA today officially changed its rules to prohibit
defecating on subways and buses.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-Whoa! Wait.
[ Laughter ] Wait.
Wait, wait.
[ Laughter ]
Wait.
[ Laughter ] Wait.
You mean, all this time...
[ Laughter ] -I know. I can't.
Just ruined my weekend.
I mean, just ruined it.
Wow!
And, finally, here's some exciting...
[ Laughter ]
news about a 96-year-old woman in Pennsylvania.
Watch this.
-A 96-year-old.
Meet Sarah in Pittsburgh, who is still one of the best
when it comes to knocking down pins.
She became the first at her local bowling alley
to bowl a perfect game.
-That's amazing.
When most 96-year-olds bowl, they go down the alley
with the ball. [ Laughter ]