[intro music]
Hey guys, today I'm talking about why I stopped T.
Now you're probably really confused and asking yourself: when did Chase Ross stop T?
I'm gonna be talking about the experience that I had when I stopped testosterone in June of 2011,
after only being on hormones for a year.
The reason why I'm revisiting this topic is because I have seen a lot of things in the community
in the last five years and I, I, I feel like my reasons for stopping hormones five years ago
are different than I think now.
So if you want to see the video I will link it right here, here is my beautiful face
of me being one year on T, compared to this face right now hm, of the money-maker.
I make no money I'm kidding this is just, I just... me when it me right here okay?
So in that video I talk about how I stopped T because I felt like the changes were too fast for me
and I feel like I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself
which is actually something that I'm going through right now, it's very scary
I made a video about it right here, once again I will... this is my face like last week or something
actually it was my face today cos I just, I made this video on the same day but like
that's not for here, binge-making my videos shh.
So as you can see I look the same, but I'm having these issues now when I look at myself
and I don't recognize myself, and it's very scary because I have had this face now
for like six years and looking at myself in the mirror, who am I...
who am I thinking that I don't look like anymore?
Very weird, I don't know. Look at that video, it's... just watch it, yeah.
So why did I stop T? Like, is that the only reason? I just felt like the changes
were just like really... it's weird. Okay, I'll tell you a story.
Before I started testosterone I was like, I don't know if this is right for me.
And I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna go and do it, and if it's not
right for me, then I'll get off of it, cos I don't know if this is right
for me, but I'm just gonna pretend like it's happening to my body like it would
just like a... like a normal cis guy where you were just like--
ew I cannot believe I just used that word, "normal"--
But like, a cis guy who has testosterone naturally in his body, alright?
Cos there's some cis guys who don't have it, and it doesn't mean you're not normal.
Sorry for using that word now I'm like, hnugh.
So I did that, and it's like really? Not a good idea to do that cos like, yeah, but I did that.
Um, and I enjoyed it and it was like really cool to see my body change but
then it was like kind of scary cos I was like, "yo." Like I feel like I'm changing a lot.
Because I know I wanna be like 'masculine', so I like started to change the way that I acted
so I could overcompensate this masculinity so I could pass more. And that wasn't who I was.
So I felt like maybe going off of hormones would give me myself back. But like that's not what I had to do.
What I had to do was more mental. And be like 'Uuugh society sucks! It's not me,
it's society! I can be whoever I wanna be. I can talk with my hands, I can like musicals.
I can sing ABBA every day if I want to, I can knit.'
But I didn't know that back then, but I know that now.
You know, I've never really talked about this on Youtube before but pff, might as well.
I also went off of Youtube because I was seeing someone and they were not really a fan.
And I was just so love-struck back then and I was like,
'Oh, maybe I can go off of T and they'll like me.'
The fuuuuck is wrong with me? What is that? Who are you? What is this?
So like I look at this moment in my life, right? I try to.
I mean I don't have to try, it's all over Youtube.
um, and I'm like pointing at my computer right now like 'I'm all over Youtube,
Youtube is right here, this is Youtube'
So I look at my life and I... I still can't believe I went off of T, to be honest.
It's kind of like mind-blowing that I was brave enough to do something that
no one had talked about doing before. So I... and to talk about it online.
Like on Youtube, why do I do that? Why do I do that to myself?
Talked about all these things that no one else talks about, I'm just like,
'Hey let me put myself online here, whoop'
So I went off of hormones, okay? That's what I did.
And the reason I think that I did that-- today, okay? is because I really
do feel like I did not feel like myself. Which is very scary and very terrifying
and very frightening and all those things are the same thing.
But I'm just emphasizing right now, cos I can't like bold it.
Or like italics, right now. Cos this is a video.
I mean I could italics it like right here but like awkward.
I'm very proud of myself though, okay? I will say that. Although it's very confusing and like...
It's frightening and stuff like that. I'm very proud of myself for, for,
for listening to myself, okay? Cause I had told myself
if I'm not feeling this, I can just get off of it, alright?
And that's what I did. I went off of it and I, still, I'm not
de-transitioning, I'm still trans. This is just who I am,
I'm just taking a break for a moment right now.
Obviously so many people hate me, this one vlogger was like 'our lesbian has come back'
I was like I am not de-transitioning, what the F is this?
So it's like something that no one ever talks about and like,
people were thinking that I was de-transitioning, so I
had to make a video about not de-transitioning, like, this is just me.
You don't have to be on hormones to be trans and like,
that's the underlying message right here, it's like, you do what you want with your body
I was under the supervision of a doctor. It was fine. And like, whatever.
Now, I dec-- I obviously went back on T, like, you don't end up with a face like this
after not being on T for five and a half years. Um, after ten months I went back on T.
And I went back on T, because I stopped passing. And then I realized, ah, that's the issue.
Right there. I wasn't being myself. And now that I am myself, I am not passing.
But it's, if I had hormones-- and I'm making it seem like hormones are the ultimate
thing to be trans, I'm not saying that. I just realized like, 'Oh, I can... I can still like ma--
I can be like, be myself physically and still be myself emotionally. Do you understand
what I'm saying? I felt like those things couldn't mix together
and then I realized, 'Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ah yes.'
'Yes.'
So since I have realized that, now I don't care what people say.
And I don't care if I na-- or if I do all this, I don't care if people just assume that I'm gay,
and I'm just like whatever. Do whatever you want with your time and your thinking.
Who has time to do this? You do, apparently. Um... but this does not mean that I'm gonna be
on T forever. I do believe that maybe in the future, and I'm saying maybe,
and all of these things. Maybe one day I'll go off of T again. Maybe, who knows.
I'm not planning on having a hysterectomy. So, if I do end up going off of T again, I'll
probably go back on again. But it's just, it's my body. And that's, that's the thing, it's your body,
You do whatever you want with it. It doesn't affect anyone else, it's you.
It's you. You're walking, you're like, 'Hey, it me. I'm walking, in society right now.
Off the frame, just walking. Me when it me.'
The shadow kind of ruined that, but like, you get it.
Anyway, I hope you understand that I'm just trying to revisit--
Like this is why I make videos right? I don't, like, have a therapist
and like, I can't talk about this stuff with myself in my head
all the time. So instead I talk to myself through a camera,
and eventually it gets to you somehow. Um, this way this helps me.
Cos then I process my thoughts in my videos.
That's why sometimes my videos are a little bit scattered, cos I'm
thinking about them right now. I don't write a script, are you kidding me?
I can't do that. Follow the script like, 'I... stopped T because...' like, I can't.
I'm dyslexic, I can't read out loud, it wouldn't work for me, I can't do it.
I'm like, I need to be like, Chase Raw, you know?
But, editing, because I'm not raw right now. It's not... It's not a vlog.
But anyways, the point is that you should do whatever you want with your body, okay?
And that's what I did with mine, and that's what I'm still doing now.
Example, I scheduled my top surgery for 2012. I did not have surgery in 2012.
I waited a year, cos I felt like I wasn't ready. I was like, 'no, you know what? It's too soon,
It's too close. Even though it was like, nine months away, I was like,
'I can't do this. I'm gonna cancel this and I'm gonna wait.'
And I waited an entire year and then I scheduled it for May 2013.
and I had surgery. And I'm so happy I waited that year.
Yeah it was hard, but it made me realize that this is what I really wanted.
This is who I am and this is what I need to be myself.
And this is who... These are the ingredients that make me up. And this is who I am.
Now there's some people who don't need surgery, who don't need hormones
and that's the ingredients that make them up. They don't need it.
They have their ingredients, they're like,
they're like the... the pancake mix. That fantastic pancake mix.
You just have to add water and it's done. Good. Cool. You when it you.
Me, I'm that like complicated vegan-ass pancake that's like puffy,
and there's like, you gotta get that baking powder out,
you gotta get the sugar out, you gotta get the flour,
you gotta get the vegan margarine. All of these things, right? You make it yourself.
DIY.
Oh my god, 'self-made men'.
'The Tran'. Oh my god, I can't, anyways.
Every week I'll see you later. Watch my vlogs cos I'm unedited unlike this,
and I will see you soon. Bye.