-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching at home. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, the Tokyo Olympics have officially come to an end.
Yeah, that's right. Now if you want to witness
physical excellence, you'll have to watch
a flight attendant duct-tape a drunk guy to his seat.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, give that flight attendant a medal, I think.
Come on. [ Laughter and applause ]
That guy...
But it was a magical two weeks.
Night after night, Americans gathered around the TV
to see the events where we already saw who won on Twitter.
[ Laughter ] It was just an amazing --
But this was exciting. After an incredible last day,
Team USA topped the final medal count with 113 medals!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
That's right -- 113 medals.
Meanwhile, all the country wants to talk about
is how often celebrities bathe.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. The Olympics are over,
but if you're still craving exciting, pulse-pounding sports,
ESPN's got you covered. Check it out.
There you go. [ Laughter ]
All day long. [ Light laughter ]
Let's get to some news. On Friday,
the White House announced that half of all Americans
are now fully vaccinated.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yes.
And this is cool. To get those numbers up,
in the fall, Pfizer just announced
a new pumpkin-spice vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
That's right.
50% of the country is fully vaccinated.
Is it just me, or does it feel like a group project
where half the team does all the work?
[ Laughter and applause ]
"What are you doing?"
Speaking of the vaccine, United Airlines announced
that they're requiring all of their employees
to get vaccinated.
But this is annoying.
They're now charging every passenger a $9 common-sense fee.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines isn't requiring vaccines.
They were just like,
"We're just gonna fly with the windows down."
[ Laughter ]
Some more business news. I saw that KFC is opening
a hotel in London that will feature
a "Press for Chicken" button in every room.
[ Laughter ]
-Finally! -If you're wondering who stays
at the KFC hotel, just picture the exact opposite
of the Olympic Village. That's who's --
[ Laughter ]
And did you see this? In Oklahoma,
a truck carrying more than 27,000 pounds
of women's spray deodorant exploded.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
It was the first truck explosion ever described as "Confident,
strong, and ready to take on the day."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, I saw that London's Tower Bridge
was stuck open today,
causing traffic to a grind to a halt.
You know the Queen was at home, going, "I'm starving.
Where the F is my Uber Eats guy?"
[ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show, everybody.
Give it up for The Roots!
-♪ My mind designed a finer rhyme ♪
♪ And right on time, I'mma step beyond ♪
♪ And not behind a line ♪
♪ Celebrate dawn for the rise ♪
[ Rapping indistinctly ]
♪ As a warning sign ♪
♪ Antonyms, words on synonyms, homonyms ♪
♪ Cinnamon spelled like M&M's ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ To retain them again ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It is Monday, everybody!
We got a brand-new show tonight.
Billie Eilish is here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have actually a giant week.
A giant week of shows this whole week on "The Tonight Show."
Tomorrow night, Barbra Streisand will be here.
-Ooh. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Billy Crystal will be here. -Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Kit Harington, Duran Duran will be here.
-Oh! [ Cheers and applause ]
-All-new "Tonight Shows" the whole week.
We also have our author of the Fallon Summer Reads.
"Our author." -"Our author."
-Yeah. It's everyone's.
America's author. Jean Hanff Korelitz
will be on the show Wednesday to talk about her --
[ Cheers and applause ]
"The Plot" is the book,
and I just finished it this morning.
-Did you really? Nuts.
-It's unbelievable.
Twists, turns, turns upon twists.
And then twists one more time. [ Laughter ]
It's like Chubby Checker. -Does it twist again?
-Twist against like we did last summer,
that song, the follow-up hit to "The Twist."
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "I got it." -What is it?
What's the new hit?
-How many years has it been since "The Twist"?
-Like two? [ Laughter ]
But you got another song in you. I know you do.
-Yep. Well, "The Twist" went like this, right?
♪ Come on, baby ♪
♪ Let's do the twist ♪
Check it out. That's -- That's the old me.
-That's the old you. -That's the old me.
I don't even remember that dude.
-Yeah, that guy's gone, 'cause this is the new
Chublin P. Checker. [ Laughter ]
Lay it on them. Lay that song on them.
-Now, people think they call me chubby because --
-Right, because of Fats Domino. -Yeah.
But no I'm -- No, my real name is Chublin.
-Chublin P. Checker. -Chublin P. Checkers.
Checker. Sorry. Not Checkers.
That's ridiculous. So Chubby Checker...
-Yes. -...who lost weight
doing "The Twist," by the way. -Right.
-It was like a diet fad. -It's an aerobic.
-He was hitting all the bases. -Right.
-So I got you a song.
"You want a hit song? You got it.
Do you want to lose weight? You got it.
Let's do 'The Twist.'"
Everybody does The Twist, and now he just goes by,
you know, uh, Jared Checker.
[ Laughter ]
So he goes -- Yeah, so he's Jared Checker.
He's like, "I lost all this weight."
And then you go, "No. Keep 'Chubby.'" Right?
But how do you follow it up with a second --
-What could possibly be --
-Let's not Twist and gain it back.
-Right. -So Chubby goes, "I got it."
-What's your song? I can't wait to the hear it.
♪ Let's Twist again ♪
♪ Like we did last summer ♪
Yeah. He does "Let's Twist Again."
That was his follow-up hit. [ Laughter ]
And then -- Did he have any other hits?
-Yes, "Still Twisting." -"Still Twisting," yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-He did not. Did he? -Yeah, he did.
-He did. -"Still Twisting."
-"Still Twisting"? No, you're making that up.
-I don't even know how --
I know "Still Twisting's" a song, but how does it go?
-It goes...
♪ Still Twisting ♪
♪ Still Twisting ♪ [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
"Still Twisting" would have been a giant hit.
-Yeah, huge. -But didn't he --
He came back out with The Fat Boys, didn't he?
Chubby Checker? -Yes, in '87.
-Yeah. -Wow.
And then was it -- -"The Twist."
-Yeah. -"Twist in '87."
-Don't mess with the original if the original's working.
-Twisting it up. The cruller.
-Yeah. You know, I like classical music, right?
-Oh, you love it. -You know what I say?
-What do you say?
If it ain't baroque, don't fix it?
-Yeah, exactly. [ Laughter ]
But what a show we have for you tonight, everybody.
She has the number-one album in the country,
"Happier Than Ever."
Billie Eilish is here! We're gonna talk to Billie!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And then, she's performing the title track
"Happier Than Ever" later in the show.
Also, from the new film "Stillwater,"
Abigail Breslin is here! [ Cheers and applause ]
Abigail Breslin!
We love her.
Guys, before we go on, I'd like to take a moment
to thank some of our sponsors for tonight's show.
They don't always fit in the commercial breaks, apparently.
So we want to make sure -- [ Light laughter ]
-Right. -According to the cue cards.
Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
We want to make sure that we mention all of the --
-Sure. -So now it's time
for a thing called "Tonight Show Sponsors."
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Tonight Show Sponsors ♪
♪ Tonight Show Sponsors ♪
-Now. these are sponsors that -- -Didn't make it.
-To the commercial breaks. -Right.
-So we're gonna help out. -You're gonna say them now.
You're gonna say their names now.
-That's correct. Yeah. Here's the first one.
Tide -- We'll get blood out of that shirt,
and we won't ask any questions.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Tombstone -- Ever wanted to destroy
the roof of your mouth on something mediocre?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow!
-Target -- Somehow you just spent 140 bucks here.
We don't know how. [ Laughter and applause ]
Fox News -- We're basically a Facebook thread you can watch.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oreo -- Still putting out weird, new flavors
just to remind you the regular ones are better.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Pizza Hut -- We're why that one bank in town
looks like a Pizza Hut.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Good & Plenty -- There are plenty,
but if you don't like licorice, they're not good.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Tempur-Pedic -- Want to sleep in a baby pool
full of kinetic sand?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Tums -- Because you're 30.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, Red Roof Inn -- Think your mattress is stained?
You should have seen it before we flipped it.
That's all we have for "Tonight Show Sponsors."