When a new story falls through the cracks,
Lewis Black catches it
for a segment we call Back in Black.
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
It's just a couple of more weeks until Christmas,
when Christians celebrate the birth of Santa.
Meanwhile, us Jews are celebrating a real miracle:
some lamp oil that lasted longer than we thought,
because if there's one thing we Jews love,
it's a bargain.
But for some reason, Christians are now trying
to include us in their holiday season,
and it's not making any sense.
NEWSMAN: Hallmark Christmas movies
have been a staple for the channel for years.
Now they're debuting two Hallmark Hanukkah movies.
NEWSMAN 2: As The Washington Post reports,
there's just one problem.
Neither movie is a Hanukkah movie.
They're Christmas movies with Jewish characters.
-Joel. -Brooke.
NEWSMAN 2: In Holiday Date, a woman hires a Jewish actor
to pose as her boyfriend and join her
at her family's house for Christmas,
but the family grows suspicious
about whether he knows how to celebrate.
(chuckles) Oh, you're not sure
if Jews know how to celebrate Christmas?
You mean, that holiday
that gets jammed down our throat every year?
The second Halloween ends,
I can't even buy a cup of coffee
that doesn't look like it fell out of Santa's ass.
Trust me, Jews know how Christmas works.
It's not like we're gonna walk into your Christmas party
and say, "Oh, my God.
"It's a tree!
"Indoors!
Call a lumberjack!"
I don't want a holiday movie
where a Jewish person learns about Christmas.
I want a movie where a Christian has to learn about Hanukkah.
On night one, we get socks.
On night two, a notebook.
On night three, a pen and pencil set.
It's a back-to-school holiday.
(laughter and applause)
But if you thought a fake Hanukkah movie was tone deaf,
put this in your stocking and stuff it.
Online retail giant Amazon just pulled
several controversial Christmas items from its website.
The items, including Christmas ornaments,
bottle openers and mouse pads,
depict the Auschwitz concentration camp.
Amazon says all of the products in question have been removed,
adding that all sellers must follow
our selling guidelines.
An Auschwitz Christmas ornament?
Look, I know we say to never forget,
but when you're decorating your tree,
you can take the night off.
This is crazy.
Christmas has nothing to do with the Holocaust.
Santa's list and Schindler's list
are very different lists!
(laughter and applause)
But...
But if you have to think of the Jews at Christmas,
why not get them a little something
to show you care, like this guy?
Last week, we told you about a controversial auction
of Nazi memorabilia in Germany.
And new this morning, a Swiss businessman
purchased many of the items,
including Adolf Hitler's top hat,
he said, in order to keep them out of the hands of neo-Nazis.
Abdallah Chatila said he will donate the items
to a Jewish group.
He said he paid more than $600,000
at the Munich auction last week.
I appreciate the gesture, but who cares
if a neo-Nazi gets their hands on Hitler's top hat.
It's not like the hat
will magically turn them into a super Nazi.
All you get is a skinhead who looks like Mr. Peanut.
(laughter)
And giving Hitler's hat to a Jewish group
isn't gonna do anything.
They're just gonna take turns shitting in it.
Although, come to think of it,
that sounds like a pretty good Hanukkah to me.
"We thought Hitler's hat could only hold one turd,
but it held eight. What a mitzvah!"
(laughter)
And by the way, are we sure this is real?
We've all seen pictures of Hitler,
and he's never wearing a top hat.
Personally, I think this was just a scam
to get people to buy fake Hitler stuff,
and that's the kind of scam I want to get in on.
So, hey, neo-Nazis,
perhaps I can interest you in Hitler's Ninja.
That's right.
That wasn't a mustache on Adolf's lip.
That was residue from a delicious kale smoothie.
Act now, and I'll even throw in Mussolini's fidget spinner.
Trevor?
Lewis Black, everyone.