(upbeat electric guitar music)
- Are you excited?
- Uh no, I actually don't wanna do the show at all.
(audience clapping) - Will you welcome
the never before seen set list of Mister Andrew Santino!
(audience cheering) (upbeat music)
(audience laughs) - I uh, grew up differently
than most kids, (audience laughs)
(laughs) foursquare and tetherball, and quarters,
and you know, and hey hey, who's the gay,
were all great games. (audience laughs)
They were all great games.
We all played these games, but nothing was as fun
as duck duck blowjob.
Everyone remembers, we would gather around in a square,
which was very weird, and you had to tap their ears,
you had to flick an ear, (woman laughs)
that's all it was, it was an ear flick, not a head touch,
it was an ear flick, and the last guy to suck your friend's
dads dick, (audience laughs)
was out, do you remember that?
Do you guys remember that?
That was duck duck blowjob.
And that by the way was the gayest guy in the neighborhood,
cause we all suck dick, (audience laughs)
we all do. (audience laughs)
That's what it's like growing up in Englewood,
you know? (audience laughs)
That's what it's like. (audience laughs)
Oh, shit.
Let me tell you something,
I love black people. (audience laughs)
I think they're great, I think they're
wonderful human beings, they're beautiful, they did it,
hooray, shoes, music, telephones,
internet, black people,
you win. (audience laughs)
The only thing that really upsets me,
is I don't like it when a black guy is dating a white girl,
not because I'm racist, at all,
but because I genuinely care about the future of sports,
from the bottom of my heart,
I really do. (audience laughs)
I don't wanna see a black guy wasting his
D1 athletic sperm in some
white devil womb, (audience laughs)
we're gonna get some D3 athlete at best,
layup drills, you know (audience laughs)
no thank ya.
I wanna see two beautiful chocolate people
under a shower of chocolate, making chocolate babies,
R. Kelly's playing
in the background, (audience laughs)
chocolate, chocolate, chocolate.
The darkest chocolate you've ever dreamed,
no milk chocolate, get outta here milk!
No room for you. (audience laughs)
Makin' beautiful Heismans, just boop boop boop,
draft picks all day, (audience laughs)
that's what I like to see.
And who said that to me one day, was my good friend Jingle,
John Jingle Jamer Heimer (audience laughs)
Smith.
Never forget, John Jingle Jacob Hiamer Smith.
(Audience laughs)
I uh, (audience laughs)
you know I actually am not pro other drugs,
other than marijuanna pots,
because I do them, I do the marijuannas, I like 'em.
I do pot sometimes at my apartment every night,
and I support it, a lot, (audience laughs)
I think it's wonderful.
I'm so supportive of weed because
I can actually still have sex on it,
and I enjoy having the pussy on it, is that the PC?
I enjoy eat, having the pussy on it.
And to be honest, whenever I'm on cocaine or heroin,
I never get a nice (audience laughs)
I never good erection, I never really,
there's something about it, you know,
I get what's referred to mainline dick, is what we say,
out on the streets, you know? (audience laughs)
That's when it just, it just, you're pushing, and it won't,
it just, it keeps drooping, (audience laughs)
and at some point it goes to your heartbeat,
it tries, (audience laughs)
it's trying, trying, trying,
but it never really comes through.
(audience claps)
- Which one is more racist?
- Which one is more racist, is it me, or the pilla?
(laughs)
You really got something?
- It's right here.
- You get some ecstacy you let me know,
er, not actually molly, er uh, (blows raspberry) stuff,
if you need stuff, let me know.
- Okay.
(laughs)
- Keep it real, bye. - Bye!
(audience clapping)
- That was Andrew Santino!
(electronic music) (electronic whizzing)