-Aah! Hello!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Happy to be here. January in New York.
This is my favorite time of year.
The holidays are over.
You ain't got to talk to nobody anymore.
[ Laughter ]
You ain't got to go nowhere. You're not legally obligated
to visit your family for another nine months.
Are we basking? [ Laughter ]
I'm basking. I love seclusion.
[ Light laughter ]
But I feel like, if you're well-adjusted,
it's your responsibility
to check on your gloomy friends in January.
You know that, right?
Like, people like me, you need a cheerful friend,
they come over, open drapes, and [Bleep].
That's their favorite thing to do.
[ Laughter ]
You know? "[ Scoffs ]
Why are you sitting in the dark?!"
You know? That broad?
I have a cheerful friend.
I can only see her, like, twice a month or I'll kill her.
But I need her. You know what I mean?
I need her. I need her.
She's always telling me I'm depressed.
"You're depressed! You should go to therapy!"
You know, she white. And... [ Laughter ]
That's a joke. Black people go to therapy.
We just started last year. It's brand-new.
We in there. [ Laughter ]
With the healin' and the cryin' and whatnot.
We in there. [ Cheers and applause ]
I went to a couple sessions. I did.
But it just made me feel like I was paying a lot of money
to tell this lady, like, "Look,
you gonna need to mind your damn business, okay?
You can't be asking me all these personal questions."
You know, it's just -- I can't do it, I can't do it.
But my one and only resolution this year was
to be more outwardly, you know, cheerful and nice, you know,
'cause people like those people, I've been observing.
[ Laughter ]
People like the "Top of the morning!"
You know, sociopaths. But, uh...
[ Laughter ]
I don't trust it. I don't trust your --
What do they always say about cheerful people?
Y'all say it with me. "I would not have thought
that he'd have
all those bodies in his basement."
Isn't that what they always say?
[ Laughter ]
About your -- Every time on the news,
that's what they always say.
It's some woman on the news, neighbor, at the bottom.
"Not Scott!" [ Laughter ]
"He's so nice!"
You know, every time, you know?
"We'd have barbecues. He'd always bring the meat.
Wait a minute." [ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughing ]
But I got to do something.
Last year, I went a little crazy.
"Little" meaning "a lot," you know?
And you know how sometimes Netflix will say something
like, "Are you still there?" That's what they'll say.
I swear to God, last winter, my Netflix said, "You a'ight?"
[ Laughter ]
A-I-G-H-T. You know?
And the Alexa was like,
"She been watching 'Law & Order' for like 37 hours.
Like, "Should we call somebody?" You know?
[ Laughter ]
'Cause Alexa's a snitch. [ Laughter ]
We all know it. That's her whole job.
We keep buyin' her. She's a snitch, you know?
And last year -- This is how you know the world is falling apart,
because this story came and went.
Last year, they said Alexa had a computer bug
that's making it laugh in the middle of the night
by its -- No! What?!
[ Laughter ]
No, that's my worst nightmare. I'm such a coward.
Like, I've just recently, well into my 30s,
been able to fall asleep
with my leg hanging off the bed a little bit.
[ Laughter ]
For the monsters, you know? [ Light laughter ]
That's how you know you're grown --
when you do it on purpose like, "I wish you would eat me."
[ Laughter ]
"You don't pay no rent in here." You know what I mean? So...
That's how you know you made it.
[ Laughter ]
But I don't want y'all to think I'm some sad sack.
You know what I mean? I get happy sometimes.
You know what I mean?
I remember the last time I was happy.
But what I really believe is,
if black people project that we're too happy,
you know, bad things happen. You know?
Not just for us, for everybody. You know what I mean?
The last time I remember being really happy was
when Obama was in the White House
and there was about 100 black people
swag-surfin' in the White House.
Now, I can tell that y'all don't know what swag-surfin' is.
So, it is a dance.
It's very celebratory. You know what I mean?
It's out here and out --
I wasn't even there, but I remember watching it,
like, "Oh, my God!" Like, "Look at us!
We're in there!" You know what I mean?
We're so happy, you know?
Now look what happened.
[ Laughter ]
We should have kept it tight, you know?
You got to keep it... [ Laughter ]
You got to keep it tight.
That's me, 2019, right here. Boom.
[ Laughter ]
Happy new year. Thank you guys for having me.