I would do anything for my wife, I'm aware of that.
But there are people that are more romantic.
Prince Edward abdicated his right to the English throne
for the woman he loved.
Isn't that unbelievable?
He was forced to choose between the woman he loved
or being King of England,
and that idiot...
chose the broad.
Now I'm sure in that moment it was the right decision
and I'm happily married,
but even in the best relationship,
each person has thoughts where they go,
"I've made an enormous mistake."
But we never thought,
"I could've been King of England."
Do you think Prince Edward really ever got over that?
Every time he had to empty the trash,
he was like, "A King of England doesn't have
to empty the trash!
The King of England can chat with his ex on Facebook!"
Can you imagine what kind of news event
that abdication was in the U.K.?
There must've been, "He's gone mad.
We should get him to hospital."
"Jim, your British accent is getting worse.
Why wouldn't you take five minutes
and learn a good accent?
It's just lazy. It's just lazy."
My wife's pretty amazing.
She is better at things and I'm not ashamed to say that.
Like, her guilt trip, legendary.
My wife is half Catholic, half Jewish,
so her guilt trip is like a superpower.
I walk in a room, she looks at me,
and I feel horrible.
And that's called love.
We've been together so long I will get angry
about a guilt trip she hasn't even given me yet.
I'll be like, "I'm gonna watch the football game."
She's like, "Okay."
And I'm like, "'Cause I want to!"
I'm always in trouble with my wife
'cause I'm selfish, I'm lazy, insensitive,
and a bunch of other stuff. She rattles on.
And I understand being in trouble for stuff I've done,
but sometimes I get in trouble for stuff other men have done.
Once I got in trouble for something a guy did in a movie.
I was watching a movie with my wife
and in the movie there was this married guy with children
who left his family for a 20-year-old woman
and I knew in that moment I should sleep on the couch.
[laughter]
And the movie ended and my wife looked at me
and she was like, "Why would someone do that?"
And I was like, "Uh, it--it was in the script?"
I didn't say that. I just said,
"Where do you want me to sleep?"
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm picking on her
'cause I'm grateful to have her in my life.
It's nice to have a partner.
Someone looking out for you, you look out for them.
Like I did two weeks of shows out of town in December
and when I came home, my wife informed me that she
made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist.
If you're unfamiliar, that's the doctor
that sticks the camera up your butt.
I mean, they do other things,
but that's what they're famous for.
That's probably how they attract people to the field.
"You like photography?"
[laughter]
"Then I got a job that you're gonna love!"
I didn't ask my wife to set up this appointment.
I wasn't sick. I didn't have any symptoms.
She just did it 'cause she was looking out for me.
So she casually brought it up. She goes, "Just so you know,
I made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist.
And I said, "Just so you know, I won't be going."
She's like, "Why wouldn't you go?
It's just a consultation."
I said, "Well, it's the principle.
I'm an adult. I make my own decisions.
Thank you."
Anyway, so I'm at the gastroenterologist...
[laughter]
The doctor starts to describe the procedure
and I said, "Look, I should probably let you know,
I don't really enjoy getting my picture taken.
I would be open to an ultrasound,
I think a lot of men are curious what the jelly
on the belly feels like."
Anyway, the doctor, he didn't think it was funny.
[chuckles] And I knew it was precautionary, so I agreed.
So he went over to his computer and he goes,
"All right, my next available appointment
is in three months." I was like, "Three months?!"
This was in December.
I didn't know if I wanted this procedure
hanging over my head during the holidays.
"Jim, you want another piece of pie?"
"No, I'm getting a camera up my butt.
I don't want some team of doctors to be like,
'Wow, this guy loves pie.
Barry, get out here. He's got half a pie up there.'"
I didn't know what could delay this important procedure,
but part of me didn't want to find out.
I didn't want the doctor to be like,
"Well, the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera.
That takes forever.
Turnover in that position is insane, you know?
People do it once and they're like,
'You know what? I'm going back on food stamps.'"
Then I was thinking, maybe it's the doctor.
Maybe he's like, "Dude, I can only do this procedure
once a month. Then I gotta take a week off,
sit on the beach, and ask myself
'Why keep sticking cameras up people's butts?'
I could've been a dentist."
"Again with the dental reference."
But in February I had the procedure
and I think every man in here should get a colonoscopy
because I had to.
It's not an easy decision 'cause the best news
you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt
is learning you didn't need to have a camera
stuck up your butt. That's the best news.
"Yeah, we didn't need to do that.
We can just chalk that up, one for fun."
And the day before the procedure,
you can't eat anything.
And I'm a total pig, so I was terrified.
but after I was awake for five hours
and I hadn't eaten anything, I wasn't hungry.
I was suicidal.
I was so bored. I was like, "What am I
supposed to sit here and feel feelings?"
And then at noon and at 6:00 p.m.
you have to drink this serum
that I believe is made by a collaboration
of ex-lax and Taco Bell.
Printed on the side of the serum it should've just said,
"Drink this in the bathroom.
Might wanna grab a pillow and a book."
'Cause I tell ya, I've had diarrhea before...
This is the point where everyone acts like
they've never had diarrhea.
"I don't even know what Jim's talking about. Do you?"
Yeah, I'm the only one who's had diarrhea...
in a hotel hot tub. Okay.
[laughter]
Like we're at the same hotel.
No, I've had diarrhea. I don't wanna brag.
No, I've had diarrhea, but calling what this serum did
to my body "diarrhea" is an insult to the word diarrhea.
My body made noises I didn't know existed.
At one point I thought I stepped on a puppy.
[laughter]
I was in the bathroom for hours.
For hours. Checking email--
ignoring phone calls 'cause serum or not,
you can't answer the phone in the bathroom
'cause you can't hide the fact you're in the bathroom
'cause there's an echo.
"Are you in a well?" "Yes! Yes, I'm down here
in a well. No kids in this well!
Making sure no kids fell in."
But I kept getting this call from the doctor's office
and I thought there might be important information
like someone saying, "Do not drink the serum!"
So I answered it and it was just someone
confirming the appointment and I don't know how
someone's supposed to sound when they confirm a colonoscopy,
but this person was really casual.
They're like, "Hey, how are you?
So, we're gonna see you tomorrow?"
I'm like, "What? Are we having brunch?
I thought I was getting a camera up my butt."
She gave me the address. The next morning I went there.
It wasn't at a hospital or a clinic,
it was at some building.
Just picture where you imagine the black market
would harvest human organs.
"What am I doing here?"
And I took an elevator to the basement.
There was this huge space with all these makeshift rooms
with shower curtains. And I was let into one.
There was all this talking-- You know when you're nervous
and you think you hear things? I thought I heard someone go,
"I can't believe he's here.
I want his kidney." And I was terrified.
And then eventually an anesthesiologist walked in,
he gave me a shot and he goes,
"Just wanna go through what's gonna happen.
Right now I'm giving you some medicine
which will knock you out
and when you wake up, you won't remember anything.
You okay with that?"
And against every instinct in my body, I just went,
"Okay."
And the last memory I had is just watching
the anesthesiologist leave the room as I heard someone go,
"I want his spleen."
And I woke up and I was fine.
I mean, I'm pregnant, but I'm fine.