He's gonna take you back to the past!
To play the shitty games that suck ass!
He'd rather have
A buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear!
He'd rather eat
The rotten asshole
Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer!
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard!
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd!
He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd!
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
Michael Jackson's Moonwalker.
Right off the bat, you wanna laugh. I know you do,
but think back to the 80's, when everybody was into Michael Jackson.
Sure, now he's the subject of jokes and ridicule,
but you gotta remember,
I think Dave Chappelle said it best:
He made...
... Thriller.
THRILLER.
Back then, there weren't too many video games where you could play as a celebrity,
so that's why it was a big deal.
It was based on the arcade game of the same name,
which was based off the movie of the same name.
It was one of the first games that attracted us to the new Sega Mega Drive, known as the Genesis in North America.
NES players like myself looked on with envy when this sexy beast hit the scene.
It was black, it was round,
and it said '16-bit' right on the front like
in your face, bitch!
Moonwalker was one of the first Genesis games I ever played.
At the time, I thought it was awesome.
But other than the novelty of it being Michael Jackson,
there wasn't really anything too special about it.
Ｈ Ｏ Ｏ Ｏ
The only question is:
are you bad? Are you bad?!
Let's find out.
Michael Jackson: Who's bad?
As it begins, Michael flips a coin in the jukebox
and Smooth Criminal starts up.
𝓗 𝓞 𝓞 𝓞
So, all you do is go around, kick fairy dust at people, and rescue kids.
Yeah, you can't advance to the next level until you get all the kids.
Now, I know what we're all thinking here,
But really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
мιcнαεℓ!​
𝑀𝒾𝒸𝒽𝒶𝑒𝓁!
ᗰIᑕᕼᗩEᒪ!
爪丨匚卄卂乇ㄥ!
Ｍｉｃｈａｅｌ!
But, who are these kidnappers, and why are there so many kids?
Why do they all look the same?
And why do you have to open doors, look in windows and spin bushes open to find them?
Couldn't there be a better way?
That's the main problem I have with this game: is how redundant it is.
You can't skip any doors, because if you go through the stage and miss just one kid, you have to go back.
And of course, you're not going to remember which door you didn't open, so you got to open them all again!
You have no choice but to stop and check every single door, every single window, and and leave no stone unturned.
Quite literally.
Most of the later stages don't even follow a linear pattern.
They don't go from left to right or top to bottom, they're all over the place!
So, you're always going to be confused on which spots you already checked.
There's one stage where you check in cars,
but often, there's a bomb in the car that you can't avoid!
You don't even need to get hit by the explosion; the bomb itself hurts you!
Even if you check the same part twice, THERE'S ANOTHER BOMB!
You have no choice but to check every car!
So the only way to avoid the bombs is if you've played the game so many times,
that you can actually remember which cars have kids and which ones have bombs.
I'm also not very fond of the kick,
because if your enemies are shorter than you, it doesn't help.
Like these spiders,
or even these dogs.
They're such a bitch!
...Literally.
A lot of animal abuse in these games.
There's a variety of special moves, which are kind of cool:
Michael can spin, roll his hat,
grab his...
...crotch?
𝙃 𝙊 𝙊 𝙊
Why? [HOOOs continue in background]
Why would they put that in the game?! [HOOOs continue in background]
HOW could they put that in the game?! [HOOOs continue in background]
[HOOOs continue as enemies watch]
It just seems by tapping buttons, you figure out all kinds of different moves that don't have any purpose.
Like if you push up:
𝐎 𝐖
What does that do? [Oᗯ]
And if you hold the attack button and d-pad in the correct way,
then you can actually moonwalk.
But again, it has no purpose and it usually results in taking a hit.
ᴼᵂ
The special moves drain your energy, and I mean a LOT of it.
You can make everybody dance, which takes out everyone on the screen,
but what's the point of doing that if it drains half your energy?
Still, it's worth it just for the amusement factor,
and even the dogs dance.
ĦØØØ
[Heavily armed, well-trained troops immediately die]
There's also an invincibility move, but let me tell you how this works:
Every once in a while, a shooting star comes by.
It's rare, but if you manage to act fast enough to touch it, this happens:
Oh man, he just changed from Michael Jackson to Mecha Jackson, the king of robo-pop.
It's enough that you're invincible for a brief moment,
but you can fly, you can shoot lasers, and you can scatter bombs all over.
This...
...is one of the most awesome things I've ever seen.
Only problem: you can't rescue kids.
I guess they don't respond too well to giant laser-shooting robots.
The navigation is a pain in the ass.
In a cavern, you have to figure out that you can break the walls.
if you didn't know that, you're kind of screwed.
Every stage seems to have its own rules, but it's never self-explanatory.
It took me a while to figure out that I needed to go down these sewers.
At first, I thought they were just part of the scenery, because when you push down, nothing happens.
You have to KNOW to do the spin.
Each stage, after you find all of the kids, you have to fight a boss,
but rather than the boss just simply appearing, Bubbles comes in and tells you where to go.
So, naturally, you just follow where he's pointing,
but sometimes, he points straight up or straight down,
and you can't go that way, so, you're never sure exactly where you're supposed to go.
Finally, when you get to the spot, the boss appears, runs away, and then a bunch of bad guys come out you got to fight.
It's just like a little endurance round,
but why can't this happen right after you find the last kid?
Why does Bubbles have to lead you around?
While this is happening, there's no enemies to fight.
There's NOTHING.
You're just WALKING to the boss.
There's no purpose at all!
It's like in Simon's Quest, when you're walking through Dracula's castle, and there's no enemies or obstacles
you just walk down steps and keep on going until you get there!
It's a waste of gameplay! What's the point?
Also, it's very specific where you have to stand.
Like here, the boss didn't come out just because I was on this platform.
I have to be on the ground.
Also, this boss guy that keeps running away, even though you don't fight him,
you can still take damage if you touch him!
Here, I'm just walking around, looking for the boss,
looking for the boss,
oh, here he is, I didn't expect that.
Hey, I can't jump over him!
What? I'm--
I'm stuck?
What is this shit?!
This is bullshit!
GOD! JEEZ!
And when you die during the boss part,
you don't start right where you left off.
You have to start with Bubbles again!
What's the point of having to walk all the way to the boss again?
Where's the Thriller music?
Instead, it's 'Another Part Of Me' from the 'Bad' album.
Why would they go through the trouble of including a graveyard scene in a Michael Jackson game
and not use Thriller?
I guess if you do the dance move, you'll hear it.
No?
That's the Thriller dance,
but where's the music?
Only if I do the dance in stage 3-3, I get a different song.
Billie Jean.
Apparently, some copies of the game have Thriller, and others don't.
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
At this point is where the game starts to get really hard.
Look at all these zombies!
You think there's enough?
And that's really fair, considering I can only attack one side at a time.
The dance doesn't help because even if you wipe out every zombie on the screen,
there's still, like, ten times more on the way!
So, draining half your energy isn't worth it!
Holy shit, there's so many zombies.
So many zombies!
Oh my god, there's-- like--
STOP!
Oh holy god, there's so many--
ƠƜ
Oh holy god, there's so many--
OH MY GOD!
AHHHHHHHHH!
[Nerd roar]
AHHHHHHHHH!
【H】【O】【O】【O】
AHHHHHHHHHH!
A A A A A A A H H H [SHIT EXPLODES]
[Nintendo Power poster falls]
[Old Roblox explosion SFX, because why the fuck not]
A A A A A G H H H [SHIT KEEPS EXPLODING]
[AVGN animorphs furry fanfiction]
Captions by Nikku4211, fixes by cantang
🅷🅾🅾🅾