♪♪♪ >>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. AND THANK YOU FOR JOINING US FOR
THE LAST "WEEKEND UPDATE" BEFORE THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
ARE YOU EXCITED, MICHAEL? >> HELL, NO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, THE ELECTION IS ONLY
THREE DAYS AWAY. BUT REMEMBER, IT'S NOT OVER
UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS AND THERE IS NO WAY TRUMP IS LETTING
A FAT LADY ANYWHERE NEAR HIM. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE THOUGHT THIS ELECTION WAS OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.
THEN IN THE SPIRIT OF HALLOWEEN, THE FBI DROPPED A FLAMING BAG OF
DOG CRAP ON OUR DOORSTEP AND RAN AWAY.
THEY GAVE US NO CLUE WHAT ALL THE E-MAILS ARE ABOUT.
HILLARY COULD BE INVOLVED OR MAYBE NOT.
IT COULD BE FULL TREASON OR JUST A CASUAL CHAT ABOUT YOGA.
WE DON'T KNOW. THE FBI BASICALLY JUST SENT US
THIS EMOJI. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THAT? >> EXPERTS SAY IT WILL TAKE THE
FBI WELL PAST THE ELECTION TO GET THROUGH THE E-MAILS WHICH
SOUNDS RIDICULOUS TO ME. THE FASTEST WAY IS TO JUST LEAVE
YOUR LAPTOP OPEN AT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE, GO TO THE
BATHROOM AND TAKE A LONG SHOWER. THREE DAYS LATER WHEN SHE ASKS
YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO EAT SHE'LL SAY, I DON'T KNOW, ASK THAT
FUNKY BITCH BENGHAZI. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND OF COURSE THIS WHOLE THING INVOLVES THIS IDIOT.
[ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE A WEINER ALWAYS POPS UP
AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE HAD 650,000 E-MAILS ON HIS COMPUTER AND THAT'S THE LAPTOP
HE SHARED WITH HIS WIFE. IMAGINE THE WEIRD STUFF HE HAS
ON THE OLD DELL COMPUTER HIDDEN IN THE FLOOR BOARDS.
>> IT IS FASCINATING TO SEE THE DOUBLE STANDARD.
JUST THE MYSTERY OF WHAT HILLARY COULD BE HIDING IN DELETED
E-MAILS IS SOMEHOW WORSE THAN WHAT WE HAVE SEEN DONALD TRUMP
SAY. I BET HILLARY IS THINKING WHY
DID I EVEN DELETE THOSE E-MAILS? THAT'S LIKE LOSING YOUR JOB TO A
CRACKHEAD. [ LAUGHTER ]
IF I WAS HILLARY I'D JUST MAKE UP A BUNCH OF RIDICULOUS
TRUMPY SOUNDING E-MAILS AND HAND THEM OVER TO THE FBI RIGHT NOW
LIKE HERE YOU GO, 31,000 HILARIOUS E-MAILS ABOUT ME
GRABBING DONGS AND CALLING CHINESE PEOPLE NINJA TURTLES.
>> MELANIA TRUMP MADE A RARE CAMPAIGN SPEECH THURSDAY AND
SAID AS FIRST LADY SHE WOULD FIGHT BULLYING ON SOCIAL MEDIA
AND WE MUST TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT AND KINDNESS.
DONALD TRUMP CALLED HIS WIFE'S SPEECH SAD, FAKE AND GAY.
>>> DONALD TRUMP RECEIVED THE ENDORSEMENT OF THE OFFICIAL
NEWSPAPER OF THE KKK. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
WHAT IS THAT MEETING LIKE? JUST A DUDE IN THE KKK LIKE,
EARL, HEAR ME OUT. WHAT IF THIS TIME WE ENDORSE THE
WHITE MAN? >> ALSO THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'M HEARING ABOUT THE KKK NEWSPAPER AND I ABSOLUTELY
SUBSCRIBE. I JUST WANT TO SEE IF THERE IS A
SPORTS SECTION. >> IT WAS REPORTED THIS WEEK
THAT HILLARY CLINTON HAS ALREADY BOOKED AN ELECTION NIGHT
FIREWORKS DISPLAY OVER THE HUDSON RIVER TO CELEBRATE HER
VICTORY OR TO VISUALLY DEMONSTRATE HOW HER CAMPAIGN
EXPLODED. [ LAUGHTER ]
TOO REAL? [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S ALSO HOLDING A MASSIVE RALLY MONDAY NIGHT WITH WHAT
THEY ARE CALLING AN AVENGERS LINE-UP OF PRESIDENT OBAMA,
MICHELLE, BILL CLINTON, AND JOE BIDEN.
BUT IF YOU'RE HILLARY MAYBE DON'T CALL THEM THE AVENGERS
BECAUSE IT MAKES US THINK ABOUT WHICH AVENGER HILLARY IS AND,
GIRL, YOU HAWKEYE. >>> NO MATTER WHO WINS THIS
ELECTION WE CAN'T LET POLITICAL PARTIES AND THE MEDIA DIVIDE US,
OKAY? WE'RE NOT DIFFERENT.
WE ARE ALL THE SAME. WE HAVE BASIC NEEDS, THE SAME
BASIC WANTS. WE ALL WANT RESPECT.
WE ALL OWN A SWEATER WE NEVER WEAR AND WE'LL NEVER THROW AWAY.
WE ALL HAVE ONE LINE OF A DUMB SONG WE DON'T LIKE STUCK IN OUR
HEADS FOR DAYS AS A TIME. WE ALL SAY "YOU, TOO" WHEN THE
DELI GUY SAYS HAVE A GOOD SHOW AND WE WALK AWAY MUMBLING, WHY
AM I SO STUPID? IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE ALL THE SAME.
WHO CARES IF WE CAN'T AGREE ON GLOBAL WARMING OR RELIGION?
DOESN'T MATTER. CAUSE SOME DAY WE ARE ALL GOING
TO DROWN AND BURN IN HELL TOGETHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> LOOK, PEOPLE NEED TO TRUST
AMERICANS TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.
THAT'S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS. SOMETIMES WE MAKE GREAT
DECISIONS LIKE SERVING McDONALD'S BREAKFAST ALL DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND SOMETIMES WE MAKE TERRIBLE
DECISIONS LIKE EATING McDONALD'S BREAKFAST ALL DAY.
I KNOW RIGHT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE HOPELESSLY DIVIDED BUT
SOON WE'LL ALL COME TOGETHER AS A COUNTRY TO BEGIN THAT LONG
JOURNEY TOWARD IMPEACHING WHOEVER WE JUST ELECTED.
BECAUSE ON TUESDAY THE FATE OF OUR COUNTRY IS FINALLY IN THE
HANDS OF THE PEOPLE WHO TRULY MATTER -- THE RUSSIAN TEENAGERS
WHO WILL HACK INTO OUR VOTING MACHINES.