WELCOME BACK! GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT THERE!
GOTTA SAY THAT YOU GUYS-- YOU ALWAYS LOOK FANTASTIC OVER IN
THE BAND. BUT YOU ARE LOOKING A LITTLE BIT
EXTRA SPIFFY TONIGHT. >> Louis: WHY, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: IS THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE "THE LATE SHOW"" HOLIDAY
PARTY TONIGHT. IS THAT WHY YOU'RE LOOKING SO
NICE? I SEE A LOT OF PURPLES GOING ON.
VERY NICE. IT'S A HOLIDAY PARTY.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SAY AROUND HERE-- HAVE A GOOD TIME, NOT A
GREAT TIME. >> Louis: BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO
COME BACK. >> Stephen: GREAT TIME USUALLY
MEANS THERE'S SOME TROUBLE. "HOW WAS THE PARTY?"
"IT WAS GOOD." TONIGHT, SPEAKING OF GOOD AND
GREAT, WE HAVE TWO AMAZING PERFORMERS OUT HERE TONIGHT.
EDDIE IZZARD, COMEDIAN, ACTOR, ACTIVIST, WRITER.
( APPLAUSE )
NEW YORK SOUND, ALICIA KEYS WILL BE OUT HERE IN A LITTLE WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ALSO PERFORMING.
ALSO PERFORMING. GOT A NEW CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
>> Louis: I HEARD. >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME OVER IN THE NEWS KITCHEN, SWEATING THE DAY'S
BIGGEST STORY SHALLOTS, ADDING A CHIFFONADE OF TARRAGON AND
CHERVIL, CREATING A REDUCTION OF CHAMPAGNE VINEGAR AND LOUIS
JADOT CHARDONNAY, WHISKING IN THE YOLKS OF ORPINGTON HEN EGGS,
THEN EMULSIFYING IT WITH CLARIFIED RODOLPHE LE MEUNIER
BUTTER TO BRING YOU THE MICHELIN STAR "SAUCE BEARNAISE" THAT IS
MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I CRASH A STOLEN DUNE BUGGY INTO A COMPOST TANKER,
SCRAPE TOGETHER SOME PUMPKIN HUSKS, GRASS CLIPPINGS, AND FISH
HEADS, BOIL IT ALL IN A HUBCAP OVER AN OIL DRUM FIRE
WITH SOME FIREBALL AND MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, THEN LET AMERICA
KEG-STAND THE BOTULISM-LACED CHUM GRAVY OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
ALWAYS, ALWAYS A JOY. MEANWHILE, UBER IS LAUNCHING
SELF-DRIVING CARS IN LAS VEGAS, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
"WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, WILL PROBABLY KILL SOME PEDESTRIANS."
( LAUGHTER )
DOMINATED THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS' PIEROGI-EATING
COMPETITION. OKAY, THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK
HERE. JOEY CHESTNUT IS A COMPETITIVE
EATER MOST FAMOUS FOR THE NATHAN'S HOT DOG CHAMPIONSHIP
CONTEST, AND THE CAVALIERS ARE AN N.B.A. BASKETBALL TEAM, AND A
PIEROGI-EATING CONTEST IS A CRY FOR HELP.
ALL IN, CHESTNUT POUNDED 47 PIEROGIES WHILE HIS THREE
COMPETITORS ATE 33 PIEROGIES COMBINED!
HE ATE MORE THAN ALL THREE OF THOSE ADULT MEN.
I'D SAY HE PUT THEM TO SHAME. BUT IF YOU'RE EATING DOUBLE-
DIGIT PIEROGIES, SHAME IS WHERE YOU LIVE.
( LAUGHTER )
IN YOUR EGGNOG THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.
NO.
MEANWHILE, IN MUSEUM NEWS, THE "RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT"
MUSEUM IN ATLANTIC CITY IS ABOUT TO CLOSE.
APPARENTLY, THE MUSEUM'S FOUNDERS FAILED TO ANTICIPATE
HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD CHOOSE "OR NOT."
( LAUGHTER )
MOST HEALTHY ADULTS, DRINKING EIGHT CUPS OF WATER A DAY IS
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND IS MISGUIDED, IN PART BECAUSE IT
DOESN'T TAKE INTO ACCOUNT ALL THE WATER THAT WE GET FROM OUR
FOOD. WHICH IS WHY I WILL ASK BEN &
JERRY'S TO RE-RELEASE AMERICONE DREAM WITH THE NEW LABEL
"TECHNICALLY, AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF WATER."
MMM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
MMM.
SOME DAIRY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALICIA
KEYS. ♪ ♪ ♪