(pencil scratches paper)
- And submit any payroll request by Friday.
Okay, so is there any other business?
- Okay. I hate to bring this up, but someone has been using
my wet wipes in the bathroom.
Guys, the box has my name on it.
- Well, okay. I think maybe we can buy some for the office.
- What? That's excessive.
I mean, no one really needs wet wipes.
- (coworker) I don't know, Gabe.
I mean, toilet paper doesn't really... get everything.
- It sounds like you're not using toilet paper right.
- (testily) Oh. Well, how do you wipe, Gabe?
- Okay, I think this meeting is over.
- Like everyone else: back, front, back, front.
- Wait.
- Um, do you mean front, back?
- Everybody pulls one cheek, wipes side to side,
pulls the other cheek, side to side.
- What? That's insane. - You mean you have to use both hands?
- It's a task that warrants two hands.
- Do we all wipe differently? - No, that's not possible.
- My mom told me how to wipe, so I'm pretty sure--
- (nervously) Okay, this meeting is over. All right.
- Morgan... how do you wipe?
- No. I'm not telling you.
- Do you do pinching?
- What is pinching? - (coworker) It's like, um...
mm... like this.
(cutesy voice) Pinch. Pinch. Pinch.
- What is it you're pinching?
- I start with a pinch, end with a pull.
- Look, here's what you do: the three-wipe rule, all right?
Just one, two, and three.
Boom. Done.
- (confused) What?
- And you just assume that's enough?
- What's wrong with your bodies
that you need more than three wipes?
- You know, I had an ex-husband who just shook it out.
He was weird.
- Good morning. - (coworker) Intern!
- Question: how do you wipe?
- My butt? - (coworker, quietly) Yeah.
- Oh. Um, I take a roll of toilet paper,
and I rub it in there.
- The whole roll? - (intern) Yeah.
That's why it's circle-shaped like a-- like a butt hole.
(coworkers expressing disapproval)
- Is that why every toilet is always clogged?
- Yes.
I have to go unclog the toilet.
- That intern is fired.
- Okay, I'm gonna show you guys how I do it.
Start with a pinch, wipe front to back,
pull, and then put a little bit of toilet paper up there
just to block it. - Block it?
- Is there some up there right now?
- It's not a vagina, Adam. - Jesus.
- I tried that once. Ruined a wedding.
- Okay, enough.
(sighing)
- Wait. Claire, did you say that you block up your vagina?
- Well, yeah, for your period.
- But you don't put toilet paper in it?
- No, you tape toilet paper to the sides of your vagina.
- No, that is not right.
- (Claire, testily) Okay, Gabe.
Well, then how should we take care of...
- (women) Our vaginas?
- During your period, you should use a tampon.
- (Morgan) Oh. - Oh.
- (Morgan) That is interesting. - Oh.
- Wait, I use a Mooncup.
- That's weird. Uh, I use pads.
- Okay, why are you using pads and not this "tampon"?
- Should I use a pad and a tampon?
- Hold on. What about paper towels?
- Is there some sort of smartphone app I could use?
- We have got to get the correct answer to this.
Somebody get that intern back in here.
Intern... talk to me about my vagina.
♪ (quirky music) ♪