(The sound of a pen scratching.) LOGO.
Hellooo everybody! Today's video is going to be very different from the usual. I've
made a video like this in the past, but due to recent events, I feel like I need to create
a follow up. For those who aren't aware, about six years ago, my fiancé Cliff broke his spine.
He had a burst fracture at L3, and is fused from L1 to L5. This means one of his lower
vertebrae shattered and was replaced with a fake vertebra, and his lower spine is fused
with metal rods. The doctors predicted he would be paralyzed in both of his legs, or
at the very least, from his knees down. But he ended up only being temporarily paralyzed
in his left leg. Through physical therapy, he was able to relearn how to walk and regained
full use of his left leg, and so now the only part of his body that is 90% paralyzed is
his left foot. If you want a more detailed breakdown of his injury, I've got the video
linked below. Believe it or not, the foot paralysis is not the important thing here.
He can walk just fine with a cane and a foot brace. The issue we're struggling with is
his chronic pain. As you know, the spine contains the spinal cord, which houses a shit ton of
nerves. When you break your spine, you damage your nerves. This either leads to paralysis,
or the nerves misfiring, and if they misfire it causes pain. Basically, the nerves send
pain signals that don't need to be sent because nothing is actually happening. Cliff suffers
from several types of pain. The first is back pain due to the rods in his back. They limit
his mobility and thus cause stiffness and achiness. The second is neuropathy, which
basically translates to nerve pain. This can be anything from feeling like bugs are crawling
under his skin, to feeling like he has a very severe sunburn, to feeling like his leg is
literally on fire. The third kind of pain is what we refer to as shocks, which is basically
an extremely severe form of neuropathy. To put it simply, shocks feel like full blown
electrocution, and this can go on for hours, days, or even weeks. This triple whammy has
been going on for years now, and we have exhausted a multitude of options. We've tried every
medication you could think of. We've tried supplements and holistic options. We have
changed his diet, and Cliff has had more injections and surgeries than you can possibly imagine.
He's also had two spinal cord stimulators implanted into his body. And basically, what
these do is they calm the damaged nerves so they send fewer pain signals. Not everything
we have tried worked. However, a few options like the spinal cord stimulators and changing
his diet has been able to calm down his pain. Problem is, when one kind of pain eases, another
problem springs up in its place. After he got his spinal cord stimulators, his pain
decreased about 40%, which isn't perfect, but is still pretty significant. However,
almost immediately after, he experienced an increase in severe nausea. Eating almost anything
would make him throw up. If he stood up, or got out of bed, he would be sick instantly.
Specialists theorize that this nausea and residual pain is the result of an overprotective
nervous system. [What this] basically means is if the body has endured significant trauma,
the nervous system might create pain, or nausea, or something like that in order to prevent
it from moving too much as a way of ‘protecting it’ from more trauma. Because of the nausea,
this caused Cliff to lose a lot of weight because he couldn't keep anything down, and
it prevents him from taking advantage of his decrease in pain. Thus, most days, Cliff is
bedridden either due to the nausea or the residual pain. After years of hounding doctors,
a specialist diagnosed Cliff with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, or CRPS. CRPS is a
chronic pain condition that typically affects one limb. In Cliff’s case it’s his left
leg, and it's caused by a malfunction in the peripheral nervous system. If you don't understand
what that means, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is this: CRPS is the most
painful condition on the McGill's pain index, which means it's unbearable. So much so, that
it's clever little nickname within the medical community is ‘the suicide disease.’ That's
what Cliff has been going through for YEARS. Now, for those of you who don't know this,
I'm not just Cliff’s fiancée, I'm also his caregiver. I quit my job in finance in order
to take care of him after he broke his spine. While he doesn't need as much help from me
now as he did at the start, I still help him in some way on a daily basis. Cliff can't
work because of his CRPS, so I am our sole source of income. My books, my platform, my YouTube
videos, my sponsors - all of that pay our bills and his medical bills. Cliff and I run
our business together; he handles all of the technical elements, but he can't do nearly
as much work for the business as he would like because he's constantly suffering. I
don't care what Cliff contributes financially! I just care that he's healthy, and pain free,
and that he loves me. But HE cares. He doesn't WANT to be in bed. He WANTS to contribute.
He WANTS to be able to live a normal life. It's frustrating for me to see him not only
sick and in pain, but also not being able to do the things he wants to do. He can't
help as much with the business as he'd like. He can't write music. He can't code. And of
course, there are other hurdles outside of the disability itself. Our house isn't super
disability-friendly, so we want to move to a bigger house that has a better layout for
Cliff’s disability. However, it's really hard to save money toward a house when a vast
majority of your finances go toward medical treatment. I’m also extremely frustrated
with the people we've encountered throughout this experience. We have seen a slew of doctors
and have been met with so much apathy. Aside from him being underweight, Cliff doesn't
look un-well, so people tend to assume it's not a big deal and we're just exaggerating.
But he broke his spine, and you're a doctor. So if you can't understand that CRPS is a
serious condition, you're a fucking idiot. On top of that, once Cliff broke his spine,
about 75% of the people in our life - including friends and family - ghosted. And what makes
it worse is that once my channel took off, most of those people came back into our lives
suddenly wanting to ‘pick Cliff’s brain’ about how to make it on YouTube. I've been
here with Cliff since day one. I've seen him relearn to walk. I've seen the pain. I've
seen the shocks. I've seen the trauma. So when people pull this shit, it enrages me.
Cliff is my best friend. The kindest, most generous and thoughtful person I have ever
known. He endures more suffering than any human being should ever have to go through.
So when I see the disrespect he faces from doctors and family and supposed ‘friends,’
I get SO angry. I know this sounds like a lot of doom and gloom, but I wanted to keep
it real about what we're going through, mostly for your sake. I receive requests pretty much
on a daily basis to do manuscript critiques, usually for free. I don't do manuscript critiques
because I don't have the time. I am running this platform and writing books to support
my family, and I'm also taking care of Cliff. He has a minimum of two doctor appointments
a week and I go to all of them with him. I also don't work for free because one, this
is my job. And two, I can't afford to. Every once in a while I get called an asshole or
greedy because of this, but honestly, I don't care. For every one person who thinks me getting
paid to do my job is a travesty, there are 1,000 people who are EXTREMELY supportive.
And you guys, it means a lot to me! You're the best! I also wanted to give you guys some
insight into why I usually only post one video a week, as opposed to more. I know so many
channels post three videos a week; I wish I had that sort of time. Maybe one day in
the future, but right now, I'm hauling ass as it is. This also gives you an idea of why
I don't do rapid release like a lot of Indie authors. I'm split between a lot of different
obligations, and I'm just doing the best I can. Lastly, I wanted to let you guys know
about the situation, mostly for your kindness and understanding. Cliff and I receive a lot
of comments that are so well intentioned, but because people don't really understand
what we're going through, they don't get that what they're saying is actually a little hurtful.
For example, sometimes people will say things like, “Wait, he’s STILL in pain?!” Yeah,
that's how chronic pain works. Chronic pain...is chronic. People also regularly say things
like, “Come on, Jenna! Just go on vacation! You two deserve it. I won't take no for an
answer!” I agree we deserve it! We have been dying to go on vacation for so long,
but we physically can't because of Cliff’s CRPS so the reminder kind of stings. People
also love to ask when we're getting married and why is it taking so long? And the truth
is, we don't know when we're gonna get married. We wanted to get married years ago,
but amid all his treatments, we’re struggling to find the time. Plus, call me crazy, but
I want Cliff to be able to ENJOY the ceremony. I don't want him to be suffering the entire
time. All of this is to say things are really hard for us. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I
am admittedly overworked. Cliff is emotionally and physically exhausted. And we've had to
deal with some really shitty people along the way. But things aren't ALL pure crap;
bringing Buttercup into our lives honestly has been such a HUGE blessing. She is just
this little ray of sunshine and she's SO intuitive toward Cliff’s condition! She's like this
little, fluffy nurse. Cliff is also in a brand new, super innovative treatment. It's going
to be a big struggle and a slow process, but he's already started to see improvements,
so we're really hopeful. All I'm asking is that if you're watching this, I am not asking
for money or pity, and I am DEFINITELY not asking for pain management advice. I'm just
asking for kindness, understanding, and a little bit of leeway from time to time. If
a book release is late, this is probably why. If a video is late, this is probably why.
If an email goes unanswered, this is probably why. And if I don't work for you for free,
this is DEFINITELY why. And you can bet your ass this video is monetized, because Cliff’s
treatment is expensive and it don't pay for itself! To anyone out there who suffers from
chronic pain or is a caregiver for someone with a chronic illness, I see you! I get you!
You are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE IN THIS. Keep up the fight, because I'm NOT stopping. I
will NEVER quit fighting for my family. Take care! Love you all! I’m out! (Flippant Male
Voice) Hey! Everyone! I'm Flynn! I fuckin’ love myself! So if you love me, and you don't
mind a bit of Jenna, then why don't you press the fuckin’ subscribe button? You know you
want to, because then you get to hear more of me! Anyways, press that button, ding the
bell, and we’ll have a great fuckin’ time!