reparenting is about developing a new relationship with yourself a more caring
kind functional encouraging relationship with yourself so i've created this video to go with
the video i did called re-parenting yourself which i will link here in case you haven't seen it but
i'm going to share some very practical tips for things that you can implement on a daily
basis right away to begin to be a good parent to yourself which is the core of re-parenting
and in the re-parenting yourself video i identified five areas where parents
ideally would be nurturing their children and when we have not been nurtured or raised or encouraged
or coached in these areas we often don't do it for ourselves so i'm going to give some very practical
suggestions for each one of these areas so part of setting some very concrete exercises that you can
do for re-parenting is to make sure that they're structured as smart goals because sometimes it can
be hard to figure out how do i set goals for these very amorphous things taking better care of myself
setting better boundaries so let's start with the area of basic needs do you care for your own
basic needs adequately so basic needs are sleep exercise nutrition protection are you taking care
of yourself in these ways if not let's write some smart goals so if you struggle with sleep you've
probably read some cbt-i some cognitive behavioral therapy suggestions for insomnia if you haven't
that could be a smart goal i will google cbt-i suggestions this week by friday
and write three down that i'd like to try that would be a smart goal assuming you've read some
of these let's implement them so here's an example and now not everybody has to go to bed at 10 pm
so this is just an example of a way you can set a smart goal for yourself to improve your sleep step
1 i will turn off electronics by 8 pm 2. i will not use electronics in bed three i will go to bed
by 10 pm and 4 i will keep a log for two weeks of whether i've done these three things and how
i've slept and then at the end of two weeks i will assess did this help how did it work was i able to
follow through and if you've watched my video on smart goals for personal development you'll know
i usually suggest about a two-week time frame to try things and then a period of reassessment
and non-judgmental assessment so not judging yourself about how perfectly you followed it
just notice when you don't take the step why not and then if you take the steps consistently
did it help and if not what could you readjust how could you readjust the skull so you could
take this same structure and apply this to nutrition or exercise or other areas of basic
care if you're not fitting in doctor's appointments maybe a smart goal would be this
week i will call my primary doctor and schedule an appointment within the month it's very concrete
and actionable so let's move to the area of protection now protection and safety is a basic
need if you are in relationship with somebody toxic setting goals around protecting yourself
in that toxic relationship could be very important if you know yourself and you know
you're going to need help beyond self-help which most people do for boundaries with toxic people
you might say okay i'm going to take the step and meet with a therapist so part of my goal will be
to research therapists this week by either calling people or looking them up online and speaking to
two of them by the end of this week so you make it very specific now i'm going to give you assuming
that you've done some work on boundaries i'm going to give you a very specific example if you are in
relationship with somebody who drinks too much now perhaps this person is a family member and
they begin drinking late afternoon and they get very belligerent when they drink or they get very
manipulative and it's very unpleasant you could set some very practical boundaries for yourself
right boundaries are for you they're not for the other person the boundaries are around
your own behavior what you will and won't do what situations you'll be in what situations you won't
be in that is how you protect yourself so here are some examples that work for many people who have a
family member who drinks too much step one i will only call them before 3 pm why bother calling them
after 3 pm they don't remember what you say they get into an argument they take what you say wrong
i won't call them after 3 pm number two i will only meet them for lunch not for dinner number
three if you do have family get-togethers that involve this person and you know they can go sour
you can have a plan b to strengthen your own boundaries so you can have healthier relationships
that is a part of re-parenting so let's talk about the higher needs
of self-esteem and self-actualization i've had many clients who put off activities that
really would make them feel good about themselves they put off things that really would lead them
towards self-actualization because of the dysfunctional family system they grew up in
because they spend too much time taking care of other people's needs so how could you set a smart
goal in this area of self-actualization i'm going to use the example of higher education so let's
say you've always wanted to pursue a higher level of education but you haven't ever been able to get
yourself to do it so take a step towards it step number one could be i will research programs this
week and i will sign up for virtual information sessions with three schools it's very achievable
doable specific measurable it's time-bound you'll know whether you've accomplished that or not you
could set another goal i will begin to put 50 dollars per week into a savings account to begin
to save for schools these are steps that you will be taking to do something to improve your life and
you're allowed to do that your higher needs matter so just a reminder here taking care of yourself is
the core of re-parenting that's the core component the core goal of re-parenting so let's move on to
the second big area that i talked about in the re-parenting yourself video emotional validation
what's a way you can set a practical actionable step around emotional validation you could set
a smart goal of for two weeks i will journal at the end of the day about whether i validated my
emotions or i criticized myself for them that's a simple exercise of raising your awareness
around whether you are validating your emotions or not and emotional validation is key it's key for a
happier life for beginning to be able to regulate your emotions which is the third major area of
re-parenting work so there are many practical things you can do to improve your emotion
regulation a very simple one is diaphragmatic breathing and so you could set a goal in that
area of i will learn diaphragmatic breathing and i'll link a video here if you are interested
in a three-week mini-series that i have on youtube that does help with emotional regulation starts
with the diaphragmatic breathing exercise you could say okay i'll do this three-week mini-series
and see how i feel at the end of it or you could simply say i will learn how to diaphragmatically
breathe and i will practice it four times a day for two weeks just for a couple minutes each time
so very specific measurable actionable goal to help your emotional regulation other things that
help with emotional regulation are meditation emotional validation which we just talked about
helps with emotional regulation and if you have an extremely hard time with emotional regulation you
could set the goal of looking up a dbt therapist dialectical behavior therapy i mentioned it in
my prior video is geared specifically to help people who have very severe dysregulation of their
emotions and it's a very effective form of therapy so your smart goal could be a look on psychology
today website find a therapist in my area that specializes with dbt so often re-parenting does
involve another person we can do a lot self-help but if our wounds were interpersonal wounds
like deep interpersonal wounds we very often heal best in relationship so finding somebody to work
with that you can trust and trust takes time to develop you don't always trust somebody right
away but finding somebody you can work with can be a key to re-parenting and i also want to mention
here asking for help asking for help is a tool of re-parenting and that is a tool that really could
apply to any one of the five areas and asking for help and finding a professional to help you
also applies to the fourth major area that identified in the prior video of negative
self-talk if you are talking to yourself in a harsh and even abusive manner so many people
speak to themselves in an almost abusive way like if you use the same language to talk to
somebody else that you use to talk to yourself you'd be considered an abuser we internalize
abusive voices and we can work to change that so i do have a webinar on rewiring your brain for joy
and confidence which talks a lot about rewiring your brain so you can sign up for that webinar
in the show notes under this video but rewiring that negative self-talk takes a lot of work
another smart goal could be i will journal at the end of the day about whether i spoke to myself as
a friend or not raising our awareness on these issues is the first step in changing them so
this stuff is not easy there's no magic solution this takes work practice effort but you can do it
and that leads me to the fifth area which is reasonable self-discipline so a role of a good
enough parent is to provide the child with the means to develop reasonable self-discipline now
what do i mean by that reasonable self-discipline is not driving yourself into the ground that
you're so ambitious and it's not being unable to get off the couch right like those are two ends
of the seesaw self-discipline does not have to be a harsh unpleasant thing very often we have
a very negative view of the word discipline but discipline can actually be a gateway to
joy and children growing up develop agency by accomplishing small goals so if you were either
robbed of that or encouraged way too much towards that you can begin to incorporate a kinder gentler
but also disciplined approach to yourself so if you're somebody who completely lacks
self-discipline or you feel like you completely lack it the best thing to do is to commit to
setting small achievable goals and to have an accountability partner now the accountability
partner could be a friend it could be a life coach could be a nutritionist it could be somebody who
works in the field of whatever it is you're trying to achieve but an accountability partner is very
very helpful if you have a hard time motivating yourself to achieve goals and also making sure
that the goals are small achievable concrete and actionable so basically smart goals the
way i've laid them out in that video on personal development because beginning to sense and feel
your agency your power developing it over time encouraging yourself to do new things and then
doing them it's a great way to build self-esteem and just a sense of accomplishment of i can
do it so that's my recommendation for you if you tend to feel like you really lack self-discipline
and on the other hand if you push yourself way too hard you're always trying to accomplish too much
you're running running running you feel like you never can do enough you feel like you are never
enough then a very practical thing you can do for yourself is to set some smart goals in the area
of basic self care so we're looping back around to the beginning but know that just as you would not
raise a child and make them work 16 hours a day and be deprived of sleep be deprived of nutrition
be deprived of play right play is very important it's not fair to treat yourself that way now
life is too short so setting goals for yourself in the area of self-care and the other thing you
can do and actually you really can do this no matter how you feel about discipline but
scheduling in time for play scheduling in time to do something that you enjoy doing as a child
now this is a little bit of caring for that inner child work but it's also very practical if you
loved swinging on a swing at the park go let yourself do that schedule it into your calendar
if you loved coloring and crayons these are simple easy activities to consciously work into your day
to allow yourself to feel more joy so i'm hoping that this practical approach to re-parenting has
been helpful for you please do let me know comment below be very interested to know what you think
and if you have things that you've tried that have really helped in this area please share
them that will benefit other viewers as well and if you have not subscribed to my channel
please do so i greatly appreciate it check out my free resources which are in the notes underneath
this video i truly wish for you to be the parent for yourself that you would have wanted to have
when you were a child the parent you would want anybody to have you can be that for yourself now