( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME BACK.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S "RUSSIA WEEK"
HERE AT THE "LATE SHOW," WHICH IS PART OF "RUSSIA FOUR YEARS"
HERE IN AMERICA.
BECAUSE EVER SINCE TRUMP'S ELECTION, EVERYONE HAS BEEN
TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
IT'S IN ALL THE PAPERS, IT'S ON TV, IT'S IN THE
SELF-INCRIMINATING EMAILS WE TWEET FOR SOME REASON.
IN FACT, TO GET AWAY FROM THE RUSSIA ELECTION HACKING STORY,
YOU'D HAVE TO TRAVEL ALL THE WAY TO WHATEVER COUNTRY PRODUCES
"FOX AND FRIENDS."
BUT DESPITE ALL THE RUSSIA TALK, WE KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT
WHAT AVERAGE RUSSIANS THINK.
SO I THOUGHT, SOMEONE SHOULD GO TO RUSSIA AND FIND OUT.
AND THEN I THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT PERSON -- NOT ME.
BECAUSE, AND THIS IS TRUE, MY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER CHRIS OVER
THERE BACK IN DECEMBER SAID, HEY, DO YOU WANT THE TAKE A TRIP
TO RUSSIA?
AND I SAID, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE SAID, WHAT IF I JUST
FOUND OUT HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST TO GO?
I SAID, WELL, THAT COULDN'T HURT ANYTHING.
THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I WAS IN MOSCOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE TRIP WAS AMAZING.
THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE WERE INCREDIBLY FRIENDLY AND
WELCOMING.
IN FACT, THERE WERE TEAMS OF THEM FOLLOWING ME ABOUT A BLOCK
BEHIND WHEREVER I WENT -- IN CASE I NEEDED SOMETHING I GUESS.
I TALKED TO THE PEOPLE ON THE STREET, I SPENT A DAY WITH
RUSSIAN OLIGARCH MIKHAIL PROKEROV, I MET WITH A RUSSIAN
SECURITY EXPERT AND PUTIN DISSIDENT.
I EVEN STAYED IN THE RITZ CARLTON PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
YES, THAT ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES.
VERY NICE.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WORE A HAZMAT SUIT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL HAVE ALL OF THAT ALL THIS
WEEK, AND TONIGHT, OUR FIRST PIECE FROM BEAUTIFUL
ST. PETERSBURG.
>> STEPHEN: WHEN YOU THINK OF RUSSIA, YOU THINK OF ONE
THING -- LATE NIGHT COMEDY.
IVAN URGANT IS RUSSIA'S MOST POPULAR AND ONLY LATE NIGHT TALK
SHOW HOST AND WAS GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO INVITE ME ON AS A
GUEST OF "EVENING URGANT."
BUT BEFORE I TOOK TO THE KREMLIN-SANCTIONED AIR-WAVES OF
STATE-RUN TELEVISION.
I FIRST WANTED TO HIT THE STREETS OF ST. PETERSBURG TO
LEARN A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE RUSSIAN SENSE OF HUMOR.
WHAT'S LIKE A CLASSIC RUSSIAN JOKE?
>> THE CROW FLIES.
>> STEPHEN: THE CROW FLIES.
>> AND IT SMACKS INTO THE STOP SIGN.
>> STEPHEN: OH, THE CROW SMACKS INTO THE STOP SIGN.
>> AND THEN IT SAYS, SCHLAGBAUM, BAUM BAUM... IT'S THE SOUND OF
HITTING THE STOP SIGN.
AND THAT'S THE WORD THAT INDICATES THE STOP SIGN ITSELF.
>> STEPHEN: OH, SO THE STOP SIGN MAKES THE SOUND OF THE STOP
SIGN.
>> OF THE CROW HITTING THE STOP SIGN.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
NOW THAT I'VE HEARD FROM THE PEOPLE, I WANTED TO HEAR FROM MY
COMRADE IN LATE NIGHT.
SO I SAT DOWN WITH IVAN URGANT HIMSELF TO DISCUSS THE OBSTACLES
HE FACES DOING COMEDY IN RUSSIA.
OKAY, SO LET'S TALK ABOUT LIKE RESTRICTIONS.
ARE THERE THINGS YOU CAN AND CANNOT SAY ON YOUR SHOW?
DO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING POLITICS ON YOUR SHOW?
>> NOT REALLY TOO MUCH POLITICS.
WE DO SOME.
>> STEPHEN: DO YOU TALK ABOUT TRUMP ON YOUR SHOW?
>> FROM TIME TO TIME.
>> STEPHEN: BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME.
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY YOU GUYS ARE NUMBER ONE NOW IN THE STATES.
THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> SO WE'RE MORE CLOSE TO FALLON, THAN TO JOHN OLIVER.
>> STEPHEN: DOES PUTIN WATCH YOUR SHOW?
>> NO, I DON'T KNOW.
>> ASK HIM ABOUT PUTIN.
ASK HIM ABOUT PUTIN.
IS HE LIKE TO SIT NAKED ON A HORSE?
I WON'T SAY IT!
>> STEPHEN: THAT I KNOW OF!
I WAS FINALLY READY TO MAKE MY RUSSIAN DEBUT.
>> STEPHEN: INTRODUCING STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> STEPHEN: I LOVE THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE.
>> WHY DO YOU LOVE RUSSIAN PEOPLE?
HOW COME YOU SUDDENLY STARTED LOVING US?
>> STEPHEN: BECAUSE THEY'RE SO FRIENDLY... THEY'RE SO FRIENDLY,
THEY'RE SO WELCOMING.
I WAS OUT ON THE STREETS LAST NIGHT HERE IN ST. PETERSBURG.
>> THAT'S YOUR VERY FIRST VISIT TO RUSSIA?
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO RUSSIA BEFORE?
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER BEEN IN RUSSIA.
I -- >> YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE
SOVIET UNION?
>> STEPHEN: I'D LIKE A LAWYER PRESENT BEFORE I ANSWER THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) I WANT TO TELL YOU, I AM SO
HONORED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE THE NUMBER ONE
SHOW HERE AND THIS IS THE STATE TV, SO YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE
EMPLOYEE OF THE STATE.
AND WE AGREED THAT I WILL BE ON THE SHOW.
WE-- WHAT'S THE WORD FOR IT-- WE COLLUDED THAT I WOULD BE ON THE
SHOW, AND SO I LOOK FORWARD TO GOING BACK TO AMERICA AND
TESTIFYING BEFORE THE SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE ABOUT
COLLUDING WITH RUSSIANS.
THANK YOU FOR THAT OPPORTUNITY.
>> THE THING IS, LOOK, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON BETWEEN OUR
COUNTRIES.
BUT WE HAVE TO BE FRIENDS.
WE HAVE TO BE FRIENDS.
BUT BEFORE WE CAN BE FRIENDS, HERE IN RUSSIA, WE MUST
QUARREL -- OR TO PUT IT SIMPLY, TO FIGHT.
HIT ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW WE CAN BE FRIENDS.
PLEASE TAKE A LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR YOU.
STEPHEN, STEPHEN -- >> Stephen: YES?
THIS IS THE SEGMENT AND THE GAME
CALLED "THE RUSSIAN RUSSIAN ROULETTE."
PLEASE.
♪ >> Stephen: WHAT'S THIS?
>> WE SPIN, YOU TAKE THE SHOT THAT THE ARROW POINTS TO.
AND THEN LET'S TOAST-- WE LIKE TO TOAST HERE IN RUSSIA.
YOU TOAST RUSSIA, AND I WILL TOAST AMERICA.
LET'S TRY.
>> STEPHEN: OH, I'D LOVE TO, I'D LOVE TO.
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE PICKLES?
( APPLAUSE ) >> NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU WILL FIND OUT IN THE PROCESS.
YOU WILL RETURN A DIFFERENT MAN TO AMERICA, A DIFFERENT MAN.
YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE.
COME ON, SPIN.
WELL, GO AHEAD.
PLEASE.
OKAY, EASY. THAT'S IT.
UH-HUH.
WELL, PROBABLY THIS ONE.
PLEASE.
TAKE IT OUT CAREFULLY.
WELL, SAY A TOAST, DRINK, AND THEN I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO
WITH THE PICKLES.
>> STEPHEN: TO THE BEAUTIFUL AND FRIENDLY RUSSIAN PEOPLE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY NO MEMBERS OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION CAN REMEMBER MEETING YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN.
AND NOW RIGHT AWAY, RIGHT AWAY, RIGHT AWAY YOU EAT IT.
THAT'S IT.
EXCELLENT.
GIVE ME THIS SHOT.
>> STEPHEN: IS THIS ALL VODKA?
>> WELL, NATURALLY.
>> STEPHEN: THEN WHY DO WE SPIN IT?
>> BECAUSE IT'S "THE RUSSIAN RUSSIAN ROULETTE!"
>> STEPHEN: SO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS A BULLET?
>> OF COURSE!
WELCOME TO RUSSIA, STEPHEN!
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS SUICIDE.
>> I'D LIKE TO DRINK, I'D LIKE TO TOAST THE WONDERFUL COUNTRY
AMERICA, THE UNITED STATES, WHICH INVENTED INTERNET, THANKS
TO WHICH WE CAN INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTIONS IN THE U.S.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BY THE WAY-- OH, YOU
JUST SMELLED IT?
>> YES, YES, YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SMELLS WONDERFUL.
CAN I ANNOUNCE SOMETHING?
>> PLEASE.
>> STEPHEN: I AM HERE IN RUSSIA... THIS IS NOT SHOWING IN
THE UNITED STATES?
>> WELL, IT DEPENDS-- THEY SHOW IT AT TRUMP TOWER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
BUT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I AM HERE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I
AM CONSIDERING A RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STOP, STOP, STOP.
>> Stephen: AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD JUST BE
BETTER TO CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN AND JUST TELL THE RUSSIANS
MYSELF.
IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO WORK ON MY CAMPAIGN IN AN UNOFFICIAL
CAPACITY, PLEASE JUST LET ME KNOW.
>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, YOU HAVE JUST ENDED THE GAME.
SINCE YOU'VE ANNOUNCED IT YOURSELF-- WE WERE ACTUALLY
EXPECTING YOU TO DO THAT AFTER WE DRINK ALL OF IT-- I CAN'T
DENY MYSELF THE PLEASURE TO DRINK WITH THE FUTURE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
TO YOU, STEPHEN.
I WISH YOU LUCK.
WE WILL DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE ON OUR END TO HELP YOU BECOME
THE PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: SPASIBO!
A STRONG AMERICA, A STRONG RUSSIA!
>> STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> STEPHEN: BEFORE I LEFT, I WANTED TO LEAVE MY LATE NIGHT
COMRADE WITH A CHERISHED GIFT.
>> Stephen: THERE WAS A CROW, A BLACK BIRD, A CROW.
AND IT WAS FLYING THROUGH THE SKY, AND AS IT CAME TO LAND IT
HIT A SCHLAGBAUM.
AND THE SIGN MADE THE SOUND-- BAUM BAUM BAUM BAUM BAUM.
>> THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUNNIEST JOKES I'VE EVER HEARD
IN MY LIFE.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.
♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, IVAN!