>> STEPHEN: SPEAKING OF BIBLICAL PUNISHMENTS, DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Steph >> Stephen: LET'S CALL THEM
TRUMP BOMBS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SAY THAT MAN'S NAME SO MANY TIMES, I'M
THINKING OF DIFFERENT WAYS TO DO IT.
THAT'S THE TRUMP-BUMP.
GET USED TO IT.
FOR ALL OF THE TALK OF TRUMP'S BUSINESS ACUMEN, HE HASN'T
ACTUALLY RELEASED A LOT OF INFORMATION ON HOW HE'D RUN THE
COUNTRY MORE EFFICIENTLY.
UNTIL NOW.
>> EVERY TIME SOMEBODY MAYBE MAKES A THREAT, THERE GO THE
SHIPS, THERE GO THE PLANES, THERE GOES EVERYTHING.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON ONE OF THOSE AIRCRAFT CARRIERS, IT
COSTS YOU PROBABLY $1 MILLION.
I WOULD SAY "DON'T TURN IT ON!" THE CAPTAIN WOULD SAY "WE WANT
TO SHOW YOU HOW GREAT THESE ENGINES ARE WORKING."
NO, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
JUST DON'T!
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: THAT'S A GREAT
POINT.
YOU CAN SAVE A LOT OF MONEY BY NOT
TURNING ON AIRCRAFT CARRIERS.
YOU CAN SAVE EVEN MORE BY PUTTING THE ENGINE IN NEUTRAL
WHEN THE WATER'S GOING DOWNHILL.
JUST COAST TO THE MIDDLE EAST.
DID YOU NOTICE THAT LITTLE KEY-TURNING MOTION HE MADE?
THAT'S HOW HE THINKS THAT AIRCRAFT CARRIERS
START LIKE PONTIACS.
JI JI JI.
DON'T, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
GOT TO BE CAREFUL, DON'T PUMP THE GAS TOO MUCH.
YOU DON'T WANT TO FLOOD THE CARBURETOR OF YOUR NUCLEAR
POWERED AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
AND YOU KNOW, IT'S DETAILED POLICY STATEMENTS
LIKE THIS THAT COULD BE THE REASON WHY TRUMP CAMPAIGN
MANAGER COREY LEWANDOWSKI WAS FIRED TODAY.
WHICH IS SHOCKING.
SOMEBODY WAS "MANAGING" THAT CAMPAIGN?
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: JI JI JI!
AFTER DEFENDING LEWANDOWSKI WHEN HE WAS CHARGED WITH BATTERY OF A
FEMALE REPORTER, WHY FIRE HIM NOW?
THE WHOLE THING IS A MYSTERY WRAPPED IN A RIDDLE SLAPS IN AN
ENIGMA AND SPRAYED WITH SPRAY-TAN.
THE WHOLE THING, IT WAS ALL SUMMED UP BY A SOURCE INSIDE THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN WHO TOLD NBC NEWS, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS
HAPPENING.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE!
AND JUST THIS AFTERNOON HIS COMMUNICATION HE DIRECTOR GAVE
THIS STATEMENT.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING???
>> Stephen: WAS IT GOOD?
IT'S AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE.
CAN'T WATCH THAT TOO MANY TIMES.
AND YET DONALD TRUMP, AFTER FIRING LONGTIME ADVISORS,
SUPPORTERS DROPPING LEFT AND RIGHTS, AND NO FUNDING COMING IN
STILL SEEMS SO CONFIDENT.
AND I WAS WONDERING WHY, UNTIL I SAW HE HAS A SECRET WEAPON --
SCOTT BAIO!
FOR MY YOUNGER VIEWERS WHO AREN'T FAMILIAR WITH SCOTT BAIO,
HE STARRED IN "JOANIE LOVES CHACHI" AND "CHARLES IN CHARGE."
WHICH ARE TWO SITCOMS YOU'RE ALSO NOT FAMILIAR WITH.
AND RECENTLY, BAIO SHOWED HIS SUPPORT FOR TRUMP IN A FOX
BUSINESS INTERVIEW WITH ASHLEY WEBSTER, WHO I WOULD LIKE TO
POINT OUT FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON, IS NOT NAMED LESTER.
>> IT APPEARS THE PRESIDENT IS VERY RELUCTANT TO SAY ISLAMIC
TERROR?
WOULD YOU AGREE?
>> VERY RELUCTANT?
HE'S ABSOLUTELY RELUCTANT.
I CAN'T TELL LESTER, WHETHER HE'S DUMB, A MUSLIM OR A MUSLIM
SYMPATHIZER, AND I DON'T THINK HE IS DUMB.
SO, AT A CERTAIN POINT IF YOU ARE HAVING A PARTY AT YOUR HOUSE
LESTER, AND YOU KNOW THAT 2% OF THE PEOPLE COMING TO YOUR HOUSE
WANT TO KILL YOU, WON'T YOU WANT TO EITHER FIGURE OUT WHO'S
COMING INTO OUR PARTY, OR NOT HAVE A PARTY?
WHAT'S THE SOLUTION?
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE SURPRISING: SCOTT BAIO'S
OPINION OR THE FACT THAT SOMEONE ASKED SCOTT BAIO'S OPINION.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, NEXT
THEY'RE GOING TO ASK THOUGHTS ON TRUMP'S BORDER WALL FROM
WILSON FROM "HOME IMPROVEMENT."
THAT, I WOULD LISTEN TO.
THAT GUY I WOULD LISTEN TO.
NOW AS SURPRISING AS THIS SEEMS, AS SURPRISING AS THIS SEEMS,
BAIO'S BEEN DOING THIS HIS ENTIRE CAREER.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS CONTROVERSIAL POLITICAL
STATEMENT HE MADE ON "CHARLES IN CHARGE".
>> SO, I WONDER HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE BEFORE YOUR NEW CORN POPS?
>> F.D.R. KNEW PEARL HARBOR WAS COMING AND DID NOTHING TO STOP
IT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW SAY HELLO TO JOHN
BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.