Hello! I'm Samantha Bee. Welcome to Full Frontal
I just stopped in New York between the conventions to tape our show and pick up
some unsoiled pants after a week of inspirational calls for trial by mob
capped off by a reasonable hour and 15 minutes speech about imposing martial
law
let's do this
after a long and bitter primary, Republican delegates gathered in
Cleveland's Wrong Side of History Arena
some of them as enthusiastic as a dog going for a car ride
others as enthusiastic as a dog going for its final car ride.
Let the other party go on and on with its constant dividing up of people
Have you read your own platform, Sparky? It literally calls for a wall dividing up of people plus, it
takes a lot of balls to call your opponents divisive when your party is
tearing itself in half because you nominated a sociopathic seven year old
toddler
Oh no, no my graphics department shouldn't be dismembering elephants
that's Donald Trump Junior's job. The rest of the family's job was to humanize the
bigoted billionaire. No I'm sorry, I'm sorry that insult is unfair and unproven
I meant of course the bigoted alleged billionaire
My bad. Trump's children spoke on successive nights and moving gesture by
a father who clearly loves ranking his offspring in order of importance
A few years ago someone very dear to me passed away and the first call I got, as
I knew I would, came from My Father
that's so nice. I'm sure they'll get along great when they finally meet in
person
Despite their political differences with the Democratic nominee, members of Team
Trump remained civil towards Secretary Clinton.
You said she should be put in front of a firing squad. Do you regret that?
Not at all. I spoke as a veteran.
Oh, in that case it's fine
See, as a veteran he risked his life to defend our right to call for the
deaths of our fellow Americans whose lives he is willing to die to protect
Thanks for your service. And of course there was the rosy nostalgia for the
past delivered by a freshly hatched Terminator from the future
I'm old enough to remember when terrorism was something to happen in
foreign countries
You're not talking about Ireland, are you? You're talking about the brown countries
The ones that don't count.
Look, if there was a theme to the convention other than perhaps the theme
from Deliverance,
it could best be summed up as AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Death, destruction, terrorism and weakness
A catastrophic attack
terrorists who are killing us
they are determined to kill us
war and destruction
Every American should be terrified
An attack on all Americans
An extremist attack
Homicide
Murders
Guns and bombs
Chaos
Stabbings
Terrorism
fuck Morning in America, it's the middle of the night in America and someone is
kicking in your door oh and also Hillary took your guns away
we've lost the confidence in our leaders and the faith in our institutions
The Democrats have not led us to a crossroads
they have led us to a cliff t
There's no next election
this is it
No next election?
You know what, that means nobody's gonna wake Rudy Giuliani from his crypt in
four years to spit incoherently about 911 on TV
you know what, I guess every mushroom cloud does have a silver lining
Look, we get it, right now the world is as scary and dangerous as Hillary Clinton
is scary and dangerous and kind of a bitch
After the endless parade of fear fluffers did their job, America presented
its upturned face to receive big Donald's law and order load right in the
eye
I will be your champion. The crime and violence that today afflicts our nation
will soon, and I mean very soon, come to an end
beginning on January twentieth of 2017, safety will be restored
Oh my god, is Donald Trump running for Batman? Actually violent crime is the
lowest it's been in decades
so where is Trump getting this fear monger-y shit?
it is time for an honest look at the problem of order in the United States.
We shall have order in the United States
Huh, and here I thought the only thing Trump and Nixon had in common were their loyal
pets
Now I'm pissed that people are picking on Melania, at least she plagiarized someone good
it takes a special kind of guy to look at how far our nation has come and say,
You know what? We need to get back to 1968.
That was a great year in American politics.
Nixon was stoking fear of domestic unrest in white middle-class voters when
Trump was still young enough to be one of his wives
If we look at America we see cities enveloped in smoke and flame. We hear sirens in the
night, we see Americans hating each other, fighting each other, killing each other
at home
millions of Americans cry out in anguish
Now come on everybody and let's do the tighten up!
Like Trump, Nixon the candidate courted old white middle Americans made anxious
by civil unrest, a group Nixon would later come up with a snazzy nickname for
So tonight, to you, the great silent majority of my fellow Americans, I ask for your support.
Trump rebranded Nixon's Silent Majority speech and just like the
buildings he rebrands, he made it way uglier
There's a silent majority out there, we're tired of being pushed around, kicked around and
acting and being led by stupid people
Oh Donald I can think of a lot of things to call your supporters but silent isn't
one of them
They make some good points. Don't worry though, guys,
president Trump will not be exactly like President Nixon. Nixon got fifteen
percent of the black vote. But here's something there's something you missed
if you weren't sitting in the audience for Trump's entire wannabe-Nuremberg
speech like I was. An arena full of bored people checking their phones and talking
to each other
now, as you know, I've been to every convention since 1968
and I swear, the crowds were more excited for McCain in '08, and even for what's
his name the guy your company brings in to fire you
Johnny placebo. So sorry, Donald
I know you were going for Triumph of the Will. Sadly all you managed was triumph of
the well
but hey, buck up, you've never let utter failure stopp you before
we'll be right back