Right first of all that smell is garlic, you are correct.
That's coming from my mouth (Yeah) into your nose.
Babe It's not coming from your mouth. It's just around you
You don't have to be cruel (like a mist.) with your truth, okay?
I was hungry, and I found some garlic infused croutons for a side salad, and I just thought I'd eat them neat.
Hi guys and welcome to the internet. Now as you know Rosie and I will one day be mothers.
Vaginally I mean, (I guess I guess) birth mothers (birth mothers)
We'll both be because obviously we'll both be mothers
Well of course, of course. I just went of course~
Because I had garlic croutons stuck in my throat (yeah, I know, don't I know about it.)
Alright. The thing is Rosie I think you've seen real life human birth before, right?
What in the flesh?
No not in the flesh Rosie.
Have you ever seen a live human birth on YouTube or the internet?
Yeah, I watched one that uh Miles watched ages ago um and um
It was like this woman squatting over a river
But what I was mostly (hold up, hold up what!) she was like this hippie.
But what I was mainly concerned about was she had bare feet on a rocky river bed.
And I was like ooooh that's digging in.
I don't think that's where the majority of her pain would have stemmed from. (I don't know she was squatting as well.)
It doesn't help though.
So I thought today's video would be interesting if I found a human
Baby birth to watch because I have never seen it from that end or any end in fact
Um I like to think that (never?) the stork just drops it in my lap.
Like in dumbo.
Don't go there Rosie. Don't go to that tragic place
Question have I got any kind of black pepper seeds stuck in my grill?
No
Really? Look again. *blows her stinky breath on Rosie*
I'm actually really nervous about this because I'm due on my period. Don't know why I just censored myself there.
Well... well that's a good thing.
My stomach's a bit off today anyway, because I'm just like a little bit kinda like
Just so you all know I'm on my fertile window
Any takers? Do you know do you want to know what my first word is?
Was it daddy?
It was actually boys
I'm going to watch this
I'm nervous about it because I genuinely think that first of all I will be put off for life.
I found a mummy I got obsessed with mummy youtubers cuz I was like we're gonna be a mummy youtuber one day
I bet that's not why you're obsessed with them. Did you fancy one of them? Yeah I did she's Asian.
The very last one when she pushed out the baby like finally like pushed out the head she titled it
And I've never forgotten this. I watched this like last year she titled it
"The Ring of Fire is real" (What?) 'Cause it's a birth term. (What!?)
'Cause it burns
Ya know what, (That hurts me to think about.) Ya know what.
Your words don't daunt me (Really?) yeah. I'm gonna save my reactions to when I see it because I think I'm gonna be absolutely fine
*Screaming from the video*
My fear is that I'll give birth right? and after I've given birth I'll have to go for a wee.
And then (I think you just do it when it happens.) I'll go to the toilet with it all stitched up
Why would you need stitches? (Why would you need stitches?) what?
Are you being serious? Yes, if you have a natural birth your likelihood is you've got a tear or they cut you.
With Scissors!
I wish I hadn't eaten that garlic if I'm honest. (So do I.)
I wanna know your thoughts on something. (okay?) Yeah the placenta. (Yeah.) What is it? why is it? Where is it?
And why would anybody choose to eat it? (Okay the placenta is what's attached to the other end of the umbilical cord.)
And it gives baby vitamins, food, air, life it basically (A career?)
Okay so you're not a placenta eater?
(Yes.) You are? (Yes.) You see you say, this to the camera
I think you're full of shit mate. I think you're full of shit, so you'd eat a sack of shit?
No, it's the sack of minerals and vitamins very good for you. (Would you garnish it?) Yeah.
Oh, so you'd cook it? (Yeah.) You're disgusting.
Rosie what if this has a really adverse effect on our marriage and all of my like future plans?
Well, I think I really want to know if you're gonna have sex with me after the birth, and how long it takes
To be able to do that again. *Phone dings*
That's God texting me saying (Don't do it.) you know what don't worry about what you're gonna see a stork will bring you your special gift.
Thank you God
This is why you're on speed dial number one
I've got a few videos to watch actually, because let me tell you why, lets contrast (Oh my god!)
This is called the best and quickest all natural birthing videos this might make you feel very positive
No because if this is the quickest and the most natural and I still find it horrendous
What does that say about all the births that are really difficult? Are you listening to me? I'm having a state of whirlwind panic.
Ooh, or do you want to watch warning, graphic, (No.) very intense labor. (No, I don't.) Yeah lets watch that.
It says 18 and up.
If that lady is giving birth to someone 18 or up no wonder, this is graphic and awful to watch
What a gifted woman
This says after 14 long hours of labor
*Music plays from video*
(Do we need this?) it was time to push. (I don't need the music.) Yes we want to hear the screams. (Okay what screams?
wah oh
Well that's the vagina theres a lot of smegma around it. (Wait what where are you seeing a vagina?)
There. *sounds of displeasure*
Oh he's reaching his hand in.
*Screams of pain from the video*
Rosie I'm not doing that. (This is negatively affecting me.) Rosie I'm not doing that. There's no way.
This is really affecting me. (Pause it, pause it.)
For the record absolutely not I'm just not gonna do it.
Did you hear her? She was like "Ow no."
He was pushing. (Why was he pushing it back in?)
Because he's seeing I think he's feeling like what's going on in there. (That is the most counterproductive doctor I've ever seen in my life.)
Don't question his methods. (He's like its coming out, no it's not *gibberish*)
*Screams of pain from video*
Oh it's coming out
Oh fuck she's got a cramp.
Breathe.
*more screams*
Breathe Shante.
*more screams*
What's all that stuff? (The baby's stuck!) It's all hanging out its just hanging out! (It's stuck!) It's just hanging out!
Also that 18 year old is not happy, that they are coming out this way. (I know.)
I've never seen an 18 year old look so pissed off in my life. (I know.)
*Even more screams*
She is freshly lasered though.
*So many screams*
Oh there it is. *Rosie screams* (I missed it, go back.)
Did you see that? (I missed it!) Okay so let me just describe what just happened okay? (I was looking into the garden trying to go to my zen place.)
Okay let me tell you what I just saw that you missed right? The baby flopped out and then there was a gush of what only can be described as sewage water.
Poured out like a slip and slide.
*Rose screams now*
Dark green like a dark ridge (Rosie I can't do that.)
I can't even get a tattoo because I'm scared. (there was someone in my year who got pregnant very young won't name her she was like
13, 14 and she got pregnant and had a baby.
How can she have done that with herself?
with her own, body?
Well in biblical times wasn't that the average mother age?
yeah because our living life was like nothing. (Ah.) We lived till like 30. (So then there's your answer Rosie.)
Yeah
Also we didn't have careers.
Also we didn't have contraception. (Well that's because Rosie that's because the mother didn't provide them.)
Right the next one is called "Natural and short labor with baby in sac"
Now I would like my baby to be in the sac as a parent
It's an easier birth. (Hold on why are they? What?) so babies are in like their own little bubble. (Like a sack race.)
Yeah, no. No.
Okay this is 14 minutes long. They said it was gonna be a short labor.
That's not anything I recognize. (This Midwife is excellent. She's wiping her face with moist towelettes.)
Her own face?
I can see it. (Do you?) I can see something happening.
I think she's giving birth.
*Screaming again*
All right, baby, there's been enough screaming so if we could just *Rosie screams*
Uhhh hold on pause, pause, pause, pause.
Okay, tell me more about this cord. (That's the umbilical cord.) Why? Is that so the baby can't swim too far out without being coming
Like a buoy? (I was gonna make so much more of that joke but I thought it was so funny that I couldn't even get into it.
Babe the scene of the crime is a mess. That is a mess. Does it go back to normal?
I hope so.
Does it go back to normal? Does it go back to normal?
Does it go back to normal? (Is this why you have to do pelvic floor exercises after you give birth?)
So you don't like peepee?
(Yeah because all your muscles are stretched.) Kate Winslet wasn't lying when she said that she pees sometimes on trampolines after birth
I do that now. (same I did it in...)
What would you compare that to? (That there honestly have you ever made pavlova with meringue and it sinks 'cause you didn't cook it properly?)
I can't imagine you could do that without pooping just a little bit. (A little bit.) Just a little bit right?
I think we're gonna be fine at parenting I really do. (Do you?) no.
Ow. (Oh I'm sorry). Thanks for leaning on me. (Did I hurt you? Was it as bad as childbirth
You're the reason the dog is so spoiled when we had her as a puppy she was adorable.
But I didn't want to carry her around all the time so I was like she'll get spoiled guess who carried her around all the time. her legs were shorter than
They are now it took her a long time to get places. (That's fine.) It was easier for me to just carry her like a baby.
Oh you're not gonna carry your baby? Wow, good parenting Rosie.
I actually think I'm gonna be the more stern one you go against me. (Oh, I'm sure you will yeah.)
Go do what you want. Live through experience. And I'm like no don't ever smoke, don't ever do drugs,
Don't ever talk to strangers or other people in general.
By the way
For another video, comment below if you think we should do this, I found some chocolate assholes online
(And I said to Rosie.) I really want to eat them for a YouTube video. (I said to Rosie.)
There's no way on earth those chocolate assholes haven't been molded around the real asshole, because
How else? There is someone Rosie in this world who exists right?
That is responsible for all these beautiful chocolate confectioneries being based on their own asshole.
I know what I'm going to excel at, breastfeeding.
(I'm..) I'm gonna whip them out everywhere. Offended? I'll just do it more
Right guys what's the matter with that yeah? (Honestly.)
Skinny latte coming up. (I'm not ashamed to breast feed in public.)
I'm not fucking ashamed to breast feed in public. (Also I'm feeding my child. What are you doing?)
Gawping (Yeah.) I'm already angry. (If it's a problem don't look then simple isn't it). Yeah just don't look. (Bye.)
Sorry, there are many bad things in the world, feeding our children is not one of them. (Amen amen.) A woman.
Okay. Political.
Alright guys that's it from Rosie and I for this week when we reacted to a childbirth
um I think the conclusion we both came to was absolutely not. Not for us absolutely never.
No, no no way. (Bye.) So that's us done
Forever (Yeah more holidays and money for us.) Fantastic good outcome.
Don't forget to Like comment and subscribe we will see you this time next week and uh
Love to you mum because you know what she birthed you. (Yeah fair play the Ring of Fire is real.
Bye! (Bye!)