>> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THANKS FOR STAYING UP LATE WITH US.
I HOPE YOU DON'T REGRET IT BECAUSE
WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WE'LL BE JOINED BY LIAM NEESON AND ANNALEIGH ASHFORD, AND LATER
WE'LL HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM PILLOW QUEENS
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS.
OF COURSE, I'M HERE, ALL ALONE IN MY GARAGE.
REGGIE, THE BAND, AND IAN ARE ALL JOINING ME FROM THEIR HOMES.
AND GUYS, I HAVE SOME GOOD NEW -- I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.
FINGERS CROSSED.
NO GUARANTEES.
ZERO PROMISES.
I'M HEARING THERE'S A CHANCE -- A CHANCE -- THAT WE
MIGHT BE GETTING OUT OF THE GARAGE SOON.
AND ALOUD BACK TO STUDIO.
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
HOW SHOULD WE CELEBRATE?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO WHEN WE GET BACK TO THE STUDIO?
ALL JUST CRACK A BEER IN OUR OWN PODS STILL ON ZOOM, NOT SEEING
EACH OTHER AROUND THE WORKPLACE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE GOT MORE GOOD NEWS.
DO YOU WANT SOME MORE GOOD NEWS, ANYONE?
>> PLEASE.
>> James: GUESS WHAT, HERE'S GOOD NEWS -- IT'S TIME TO START
THE MONOLOGUE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> EXCELLENT.
>> James: THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.
HERE IT IS!
PRESIDENT TRUMP SPOKE PUBLICLY TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE
LAST WEEK'S RIOTS ON CAPITOL HILL, AND AFTER HE WAS ASKED BY
A REPORTER ABOUT HIS ROLE IN THE EVENTS, TRUMP RESPONDED BY
CLAIMING HIS SPEECH WAS, "TOTALLY APPROPRIATE."
TAKE A LOOK.
>> WHAT IS YOUR ROLE IN WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL?
WHAT IS YOUR PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?
>> SO IF YOU READ MY SPEECH AND MANY PEOPLE HAVE DONE IT AND
I'VE SEEN IT BOTH IN THE PAPERS AND IN THE MEDIA, ON TELEVISION,
IT'S BEEN ANALYZED AND PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT WHAT I SAID WAS
TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.
>> James: WELL, I GUESS THAT SETTLES THAT.
IF "PEOPLE" SAID IT WAS APPROPRIATE, WHO ARE WE TO GO
JUST ADDS EXTRA WORDS TO A SENTENCE WHEN HE DOESN'T HAVE AN
ANSWER.
"I'VE SEEN IT BOTH IN THE PAPERS AND IN THE MEDIA, ON TELEVISION,
FLYERS AT THE GROCERY STORE, ON TABLETS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY TABLETS.
TABLETS, THEY HAVE NO BUTTONS, TREMENDOUS TECHNOLOGY.
ALSO, TODAY, TRUMP WENT DOWN TO TEXAS TO VISIT THE BORDER WALL.
THE WHITE HOUSE BILLED TRUMP'S VISIT AS A CHANCE TO "MARK THE
COMPLETION OF MORE THAN 400 MILES OF BORDER WALL."
WELL, THAT'S A WRAP ON A FLAWLESS ADMINISTRATION.
TRUMP WENT TO VISIT THE BORDER WALL.
WHAT A NICE REMINDER OF HOW MUCH THE PRESIDENT HATES PEOPLE
STORMING BARRIERS AND ENTERING PLACES THEY AREN'T LEGALLY
ALLOWED.
REMEMBER THREE YEARS AGO, WHEN WE THOUGHT THE MOST INSANE THING
WE'D HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WITH TRUMP WAS THAT WALL?
THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT.
I LOOK UPON THAT AS GREAT TIMES NOW.
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.
BACKLASH AGAINST DONALD TRUMP CONTINUES.
TRUMP'S BANKS HAVE NOW CUT HIM OFF, AND ARE REFUSING TO DO ANY
FUTURE BUSINESS WITH HIM.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THESE BANKS... LOST INTEREST.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WASN'T EVEN IN THE PROMPTER.
WROTE THAT MYSELF.
ALL ME.
ONE OF THE FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS IS DEUTSCHE BANK.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE SCREWED UP WHEN YOU FORCE GIANT, MULTI-NATIONAL
BANKS TO MAKE MORALLY-CORRECT DECISIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING --
TRUMP HAS GONE BANKRUPT SIX TIMES.
SHOULDN'T DEUTSCHE BANK HAVE MADE THIS DECISION ABOUT
$250-MILLION AGO?
AND THE HITS KEEP COMING FOR TRUMP.
TOMORROW MORNING, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES WILL ONCE AGAIN
BE HOLDING A VOTE TO IMPEACH PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THE VOTE IS EXPECTED TO PASS, WHICH WOULD MAKE THIS THE ONLY
TIE A PRESIDENT HAS EVER BEEN IMPEACHED TWICE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THAT LAST IMPEACHMENT WORKED OUT SO WELL.
THE HOUSE WILL BE CHARGING TRUMP WITH "INCITEMENT OF
INSURRECTION."
WHICH IS ALREADY A FILM I WANT TO SEE.
LIAM NEESON'S ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
HE WOULD BE FANTASTIC IN THAT!
"COMING 2021: 'IMPEACHMENT 2: INCITEMENT OF INSURRECTION.'"
( LAUGHTER ) WOULD YOU GO TO WATCH THAT?
LIAM NEESON, AN INCITEMENT OF INSURRECTION?
>> I WATCH ANY LIAM NEESON MOVIE EVER.
>> James: DON'T YOU THINK LIAM NEESON HAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE
CAREER IN ALL OF HOLLYWOOD?
>> Reggie: YEAH, HE'S GREAT.
IT'S A SUPER WELL RESPECTED ACTOR, ALL THE HIGH LEVEL STUFF
AND NOW HE'S DOING HIS OWN VERSION OF ACTION MOVIES
STARTING FROM "TAKEN," WHICH I CAN'T STOP WATCHING.
HE'S GOT IT ALL.
>> James: IT'S LIKE DANIEL DAY LEWIS COMING BACK AND MAKING
"DIE HARD FIVE."
BACK WHEN HE'S ON STAGE HE'S UNBELIEVABLE, AND NOW HE'S JUST
THIS ACTION HERO.
>> I THINK HE LOOKS GREAT IN A THICK SWEATER.
HE'S A GREAT THICK SWEATER GUY.
>> James: HE IS.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY OTHER ACTION HERO WHO WEARS A CHUNKY
KNIT LIKE LIAM NEESON.
>> HE LOOKS GREAT IN IT LOOSE.
DIANE KEATON LOOKS SIMILAR, BUT HE'LL DO IT AND LOOK LIKE A
CHECHNYAN TERRORIST.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: IT'S ALL RIGHT TO
BE, LIKE, I'M GOING TO GET INTO REAL DARK STUFF NOW AND KILL
SOME DUDES BUT IT MIGHT BE COLD, WHERE'S MY CHUNKY KNIT?
AND IF I KILL THEM AND I'M REALLY HOT, I CAN TAKE IT OFF
AND DO THAT OVER MY SHOULDERS AND STILL BE COMFORTABLE ON A
BOAT.
HE'S VERY SMART.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH.
>> James: THINGS ARE LOOKING PRETTY BAD FOR TRUMP'S PERSONAL
LAWYER, TOO.
BECAUSE OF HIS INVOLVEMENT AT THE RALLY LAST WEEK, RUDY
GIULIANI IS NOW FACING THE POSSIBILITY OF DISBARMENT.
JUST TO BE CLEAR: ARE WE SAYING THAT UP UNTIL LAST WEEK, HE WAS
A FINE, UPSTANDING MEMBER OF THE LEGAL PROFESSION?
GIULIANI COULD BE DISBARRED.
DON'T SWEAT IT, RUDY.
SERIOUSLY, DON'T SWEAT OR THERE WILL BE HAIR DYE ALL OVER YOUR
FACE.
BUT IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR GIULIANI.
TODAY, HE WENT TO FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING JUST TO DROP
OFF A RESUME.
WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO NOW, RUDY GIULIANI, AS A BACKUP CAREER?
GENUINE QUESTION, IAN, WOULD THEY TAKE RUDY GIULIANI ON "THE
MASKED SINGER"?
>> OH!
>> James: I KNOW, A TOUGH ONE, ISN'T IT?
>> SIX MONTHS -- NOT NOW -- BUT IN SIX MONTHS, THEY'LL HAVE HIM
ON.
I THINK THAT'S HOW LONG THE CYCLE IS.
>> James: WHAT DO YOU THINK, REG?
DO YOU THINK THEY'D TAKE HIM ON "THE MASKED SINGER"?
>> I THINK THEY WOULD.
YOU DON'T GET THAT INITIAL IMPRESSION ON THE SHOW.
I THINK THERE WOULD BE A TIME OF BOOS WHEN HE'S REVEALED BUT I
THINK IT COULD WORK.
>> IT COULD HELP THE HEALING.
>> Reggie: IT COULD HELP THE HEALING, YEAH.
>> James: THAT'S RIGHT.
TIM'S A REAL GLASS HALF FULL GUY.
>> YEAH.
I THINK GIULIANI GOES ON CAMEO AFTER THIS.
>> James: I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
35 BUCKS.
>> $3,500 -- YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DON'T THINK HE
GETS 500 BUCKS FOR A GREETING.
>> MAYBE NOT.
MAYBE NOT.
MAYBE LIKE 250 FOR A GREETING, 100 FOR LEGAL ADVICE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND HERE'S SOME BIG
NEWS FOR ALL OF US HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT DISNEYLAND WILL BECOME A MASS
COVID-19 VACCINATION SITE.
SURE, WHY NOT?
I'LL TRUST MY HEALTHCARE TO A COUPLE OF MICE, A DOG, AND A
DUCK WITHOUT PANTS.
THE VACCINE IS FREE, BUT THE BOTTLE OF WATER WILL SET YOU
BACK $23.
( LAUGHTER ) DISNEYLAND HAS BEEN CLOSED SINCE
MARCH.
DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET THEIR SHOT AND THEN BE LIKE,
"GO ON, MATE, OPEN UP SPACE MOUNTAIN.
WE'RE ALL HERE, NOBODY IS LOOKING."
( LAUGHTER ) GO ON, LET ME HAVE A GO.
I'D LIKE TO GET MY VACCINATION ON A RIDE.
>> HAVE ONE OF THE ANIMATED PIRATES DO IT.
>> James: AS YOU GO IN, IT'S A SMALL WORLD --
( SINGING ) -- OW!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR
ABOUT THIS -- GETTING A VACCINATION IS
DISNEYLAND WITHOUT CHILDREN.
>> Reggie: THANK YOU, JAMES.
THANK YOU.
>> James: I LIKE THAT YOU JUST LET YOUR HAIR DOWN THERE, REG.
YOU JUST UNLEASHED IT.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: YEAH, MY BROTHER!
OH, MY GOD.
>> James: HANG ON, TAKE THE HEADPHONES OFF, REG.
GIVE US THE FULL EFFECT.
>> OH, WOW.
YES.
WOW.
RK, WORK, WORK...
>> Reggie: BUT I THINK I CAN --
>> OH, THAT.
>> James: OH, WOW.
AMAZING.
>> Reggie: THERE WE GO.
>> James: I FEEL LIKE THAT KID IN "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE."
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THAT, REG.
>> Reggie: THANKS, MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND WE WANTED TO
TELL YOU ABOUT THIS -- HERE'S A NEW PRODUCT --
( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: TELL US ABOUT A NEW
PRODUCT, JAMES.
>> James: WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS --
( LAUGHTER ) --
BEN & JERRY'S HAS JUST INTRODUCED TWO NEW ICE CREAM
FLAVORS MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR DOGS.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT YOU'VE FINALLY DONE IT, BEN
AND JERRY.
IT'S OFFICIAL -- YOU'VE SMOKED TOO MUCH WEED.
THEE'S "PONTCH'S MIX," WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF PEANUT BUTTER
AND PRETZELS.
YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR DOG'S GOING THROUGH A BREAK UP.
AN THERE'S "ROSIE'S MIX," WITH REAL PUMPKIN, MINI-COOKIES, AND
A SUNFLOWER-BUTTER BASE.
AND MINI COOKIES.
ICE CREAM FOR DOGS.
THOUGH I MUST SAY I THOUGHT THEY WENT TOO FAR WITH THIS NEW
FLAVOR -- "STRANGER'S CROTCH."