TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE, PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS COMING UP TO ME AND
SAYING, YOU'RE KIND OF LIKE MY TV DAD, THEY SAY.
>> Jon: YEAH, MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: IT KIND OF MAKES SENSE BECAUSE,
LIKE A LOT OF DADS, MY IDEA OF PARENTING IS HAVING YOU WATCH
TV.
LAUGH WHRAF AND AS YOUR TV DAD, I KNOW I
HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND MUCH AS I SHOULD LATELY.
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I CARE ABOUT YOU, SO DAD'S CALLING A
FAMILY MEETING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, CHAMP.
LET'S TAKE A LOAD OFF.
CHEW THE FAT.
SHOOT THE NUMBER TWO.
I CAN TELL YOU'VE BEEN FEELING ANXIOUS LATELY, AND IT'S TIMES
LIKE THESE THAT YOU REALLY NEED A DAD... TO TELL YOU TO TALK TO
YOUR MOM.
SO JOINING US, IS SOMEONE WHO ISN'T YOUR MOM, BUT IS REALLY
GOOD AT PLAYING THEM.
LESLIE MANN.
LESLIE, COME ON OUT HERE!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
COME SIT DOWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
>> HI, SWEETHEART.
HI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
I INTERRUPTED YOU.
GO AHEAD.
>> HI, SWEETHEART.
>> STEPHEN: I USUALLY SAY "CHAMP."
>> WELL YOU DON'T MIND IF I CALL YOU "SWEETHEART," DO YOU,
HONEYBUNCH?
LISTEN, WE KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF UNCERTAINTY IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT
NOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
THINGS ARE CHANGING. THERE'S STRANGE HAIR IN PLACES YOU NEVER
EXPECTED.
>> LIKE THE OVAL OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: WE WANT TO TELL YOU THAT.
BUT WE CAN'T.
>> NOPE.
BUT THIS HELPS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMM... MOMMY JUICE.
BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE "CAN" TELL YOU.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, LIKE WE WANT YOU TO THINK FOR YOURSELF.
IF ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUMPED OFF A CLIFF, WOULD YOU JUMP OFF TOO?
>> BECAUSE WE THINK YOU SHOULD GET INTO BASE JUMPING.
IT WOULD REALLY LOOK GOOD ON YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATION.
>> Stephen: SHE'S RIGHT.
AND CHAMP, JUST BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THE
RULES ARE CHANGING, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
UNDER OUR ROOF, YOU LIVE BY OUR RULES.
>> BUT... IF YOU GO UP-ON-THE ROOF, THEN TECHNICALLY YOU'RE
NOT IN OUR HOUSE, AND ANYTHING GOES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
YEAH.
IT'S LIKE INTERNATIONAL WATERS UP THERE.
YOU COULD RUN A COCK FIGHTING RING ON THE ROOF, AND THE COPS
CAN'T TOUCH YOU.
>> AND ANOTHER THING -- YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME LOOKING AT
YOUR PHONE.
( PHONE BUZZING ) >> STEPHEN: HEY!
HEY!
EYES UP HERE, MISTER!
YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.
ONLY 302 STEPS TODAY?
HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?
THE KITCHEN IS LIKE 500 STEPS AWAY.
THIS IS BULL (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) >> ALSO, YOUR FATHER AND I DON'T
WANT YOU WATCHING ALL THOSE R-RATED MOVIES.
>> STEPHEN: THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH VIOLENCE.
>> AND NOT NEARLY ENOUGH NUDITY.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S WHY WE RENTED YOU PORKY'S.
OKAY?
THERE'S A SHOWER SCENE WITH BOOBIES IN IT.
>> AND THE GYM TEACHER GRABS SOMEONE'S WEINER THROUGH THE
WALL.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH IT AND YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN FROM IT,
OKAY?
BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU'RE GETTING CURIOUS ABOUT SEX.
>> REMEMBER: WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR BODY IS BETWEEN YOU AND
YOUR PARTNER... AND MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: AND WHAT YOU DO IN
YOUR ROOM IS YOUR BUSINESS.
BUT WE JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU -- YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIED IN
THAT BED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> AND WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE BEING SAFE.
SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, MAKE SURE IT'S WITH A LIFEGUARD.
>> STEPHEN: ALSO, HAVE A SAFE WORD.
PICK SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD NEVER CALL OUT IN A MOMENT OF
PASSION.
LIKE, "PUMPKIN PATCH."
>> UNLESS YOU'RE DOING IT IN A PUMPKIN PATCH.
>> STEPHEN: THAT ONE'S SEASONAL.
WELL, LISTEN, IT WAS A GOOD TALK, SWEETHEART.
>> WE LOVE YOU CHAMP.
>> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LESLIE MANN!
ALL RIGHT?