♪ Think I'll be flying all over the city ♪
♪ Like a Fantasia ♪
- It is ladies first until the plane falls out of the sky.
- It's like this kaleidoscope of cellulite.
(comedian shouting)
(audience cheering)
- I actually flew in and out of Ronald Reagan Airport
this year on a propeller plane.
It was like a Boeing 7.
(audience laughing)
It's a real trick for me to get on,
on a tiny plane like that.
I have a horrible fear of flying.
I get on the plane, I Fasten my seatbelt,
and I do not unbuckle it for the duration of the flight.
Because if the plane is going to plummet 6 1/2 miles
out of the sky that little strip of nylon
might save my sorry ass.
(audience laughing)
I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane,
because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames,
(audience laughing)
it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse
with my pants around my ankles.
(audience clapping)
Sit in my seat and read the emergency information card
over and over. (audience laughing)
They can get rid of page three.
That's the water landing section.
(audience laughing)
There is no useful information there,
at the top they show you how to use
your seat bottom cushion, as a flotation device.
I don't wanna present myself as a genius,
but if I am drowning,
and something is floating,
I will figure out how to operate it.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Seat bottom cushions, suitcase, dead pilot,
I will save myself.
(audience laughing)
I will not need Leonardo DiCaprio to help me.
(audience laughing)
Then they show you how to exit,
in the event of a water landing.
I think we've seen exactly how likely they are to be able
to land one of these puppies in the water.
(audience laughing)
I'm pretty sure I'll be exiting as I land,
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
But they got the picture, they got the man,
(audience laughing)
jumping calmly out onto the escape slide.
(audience laughing)
Always a man.
There's a woman, waiting patiently to go next.
Always a woman, because it's ladies first until
the plane falls out of the sky.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- Trying to change my life I've been working out.
Here's the thing, all my friends are good looking in shape.
You know, I'm always wing man every time I go out with them.
So I said, I'm gonna change my life.
And I'm getting uglier friends you understand
what I'm talking about?
(audience laughing)
And I'm taking applications sir,
are you there?
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
It's gonna be me, him and four others
waiting a girl at the club.
(audience laughing)
Just wants all white girls to go,
"Oh, I want the cute one in that group.
The tall fat one with the big nose girl."
(audience laughing)
Just have a big nose of it.
Anybody else have a big nose?
Big nose people? Big nose people?
Oh okay, it's just me in here okay.
(audience laughing)
All right, all the big nose people going like this,
(audience laughing)
'cause you know when you have a big nose
you only taking pictures one way just like this.
(audience laughing)
If is like P turns to the side?
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
You understand what I'm talking about?
Yeah but all my buddies man are good looking.
One buddy of mine he just,
owned his muscle heads always has his shirt off.
Like he's allergic to his shirt when women come around,
(audience laughing)
You know every time women around,
"Hey how you doing, dear?"
(audience laughing)
Dude what are you doing?
He's like, "you know, it's hot out here dude." (groans)
We're at a wedding, we're at a wedding.
(audience laughing)
He's got on just the bow tie and nothing else.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
- I find customer service in New York city,
I find everyone's so rude.
I mean you ever got like the customer is always wrong.
You ever go shopping for like
a really cute little sexy black dress and you come home
with an extra large pepperoni pizza,
this just gets to you. (audience laughing)
I go to this one store.
I'm like excuse me,
"Can you help me find my size?"
She's like, "Well, what size are you?"
Going my five Six, yeah right.
(audience laughing)
She comes back with an 11, 12.
I go into the dressing room, and it fits,
snap flipping out like I haven't been 11, 12
since I've been 11, 12 okay?
And then she starts talking to me,
is everything okay back there?
What does she think I'm doing?
I'm like, "No, I'm braiding my pubic hair.
Do you have a butterfly clip in blue?"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And then with the three-way mirrors
it's like this kaleidoscope of cellulite.
And you hope to God it's not your thighs.
(audience laughing)
So, I come out of there.
I've got no body image left, no self esteem.
I give the woman my credit card.
And she's like, "Your card's invalid."
(audience laughing)
Like how can that be?
Well, maybe somebody didn't pay their bill.
(audience laughing)
And this is what I hear behind me
'cause New Yorkers are so sweet and kind and patient.
(clock beeps) (audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience cheering)
So, I'm wiping the spit off my neck,
and it give the woman a $50 bill.
And now she's looking at it like I just Xerox to copy.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Listen, I'm not a Soprano but if I was,
I'd shoot them in the eye."
(audience laughing)
I'm finally getting ready to go and she says to me,
"I swear to God, do you need a big?"
(audience laughing)
No, I'm gonna bend over and you could shove
that merchandise up my ass,
It's an 11, 12 ass I think it'll fit.
(audience laughing)
Have a nice day.
(audience clapping)
- Moved to New York city couple of years ago
I had to get used to a couple of things.
First of all, cops on a horseback.
(audience laughing)
Is that bizarro world to anybody else?
Cops on horses, what's going on?
Is there a lot of illegal jousting going on in the city?
(audience laughing)
or we don't know about more.
And I think what the scientists ought to do,
is combine the two.
Like combine the horse and the cop
and just make cops centers.
(audience laughing)
Just an evil breed of half man, half horse cop.
They can be flying all over the city like it's Fantasia.
(comedian roars)
(audience laughing)
Imagine getting pulled over by a center cop?
(audience laughing)
He comes galloping up to your cars like, (exhales)
(comedian neighs)
Excuse me miss.
(comedian neighs)
Do you realize how fast you were going?
(audience laughing)
Am now is sorry officer.
How fast was I going?
(exhales) I have no goddamn idea.
(audience laughing)
I'm a mutant. (alarm beeps)
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Do you have any sugar cubes I can suck on?
(audience laughing)
They are delicious.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)