you know the only difference between
larry bird and nikki blazer is larry
could actually pass his 33.
blake you look like a black guy that got
made by a printer running out of ink
[Applause]
nikki is what's known as a dirty
comedian and i don't mean a material i
mean she hasn't washed a since
memorial day
robert de niro is here
looking like alf
uh
[Music]
i can't even believe i i get to share
this stage with you tonight robert de
niro and by this stage i mean the final
one of your life it's
i'm sorry
i don't feel right about any of this
nikki glazer
you have it all
the name of a professional porn star
and the body of an amateur porn star
you know i'm a big supporter of the me
too movement
but remember nikki me too
shouldn't just be what a guy says to his
friend when he tells him he had sex with
nikki glazer
notice martha stewart thank you for
being here
seriously and congratulations on getting
that thai soccer team out of your vagina
and into your sweatshops
that's where they are now
surprisingly martha said that prison
food wasn't that bad just you know as
long as it was clean-shaven so
she loves attention to detail
is she laughing
i'm terrified of her
no i honestly martha stewart i'm a huge
fan and my mom is an even bigger fan my
mom has learned everything from martha
stewart about cooking and cleaning and
withholding affection so
it's close to my heart
we're all learning it's all we can do
i didn't even know what a nicki glazer
was before tonight and i still don't
were you the flight attendant i was rude
to
i'm sorry if you were but i don't regret
finishing my game of words with friends
on that flight
i sniped an incredible 92-pointer with
zymergy
alex baldwin what an honor to be here
roasting justin bieber's wife's oldest
fattest uncle it's like
i'll never forget that voicemail um that
when you called your daughter ireland a
a thoughtless little pig um
it's gonna be one of the worst things
you can call your daughter
after ireland actually that's
that name yikes
speaking of terrible names your wife's
name is hilaria
is it hilarious it's hilarious
oh it's so stupid okay
it doesn't matter she's so hot dude
she's so hot and fit does getting
screamed at burn calories
you have four kids under the age of six
i just how do you do it i mean isn't
your semen just oatmeal at this point
oh robert just got excited when i said
oatmeal he started salivating
[Applause]
your night nurse is warming it up
backstage it'll be ready in the break
i'm such a fan of the baldwins i've
never been so sure that four people have
buried a hooker together
in all seriousness i want to thank alec
um in his memoir he bravely admitted
that he had once considered suicide
and i just want to say that
that meant a lot to me because i have
also
considered your suicide and i have some
ideas
i even know what i'm gonna wear
nikki glazer is here one of my favorites
[Music]
on nikki's comedy central show not safe
she found out her father is hung like a
horse
and we found out nikki inherited her
face from her dad's dick
[Applause]
jimmy a car
is what ralph macchio has to do to find
a place to sleep every night
nikki glazer
if you don't recognize nikki it's
probably because you were drunk when you
went home with her
keep it going for the reason mike pence
says we have hurricanes
[Applause]
you look like the little man on top of a
wedding cake that a bakery would refuse
to make for you
will and grace was really the best you
could do it just
[Applause]
just check some people say nikki glazer
is only here because she's good-looking
nothing could be further from the truth
if you haven't seen nikki's show yet
you're me
please welcome sexy adjacent nikki
glazer
david spade the host with the most step
stools in your apartment
david you've seriously influenced so
many female comics haircuts
i ran into nikki glacier in the ladies
room i saw her from behind with her
slender body and blonde hair and i
thought she must be a model
then she turned around and thought nope
she's a comic
sybil's gorgeous i'm like honored to
meet her and um and her resume is insane
like if you look at it it's just like
model actor singer you name it she's
[Laughter]
i don't know any of these people sybil
why am i here ugh
you have like no friends um
larry bird is here i mean nikki glazer
is here
uh you know the only difference between
larry bird and nikki glazer is larry
could actually pass his 33.
[Applause]
dating sorry you were so nice earlier
right
i just yeah
nikki
look at you
you damaged little climber
you know nikki was the only girl kicked
off jeffrey epstein's island for
networking
just jack just jack is uh it's also what
i'm gonna do in my hotel room alone
after sitting next to blake griffin all
night jesus christ
you're so hot what the
you're so i'd you in front of my
grandparents i that's how
i almost want to you know i feel like
mimi would be proud
blake you look like a black guy that got
made by a printer running out of ink
that's
yeah nikki glazer when she's not hosting
her hit radio show you can find her
blowing around outside car dealership
during toyotathon joseph gordon love it
everyone
he's so cute so adorable i bet you eat
but only with the crust cut off
first
isn't that his luck
mickey glazer i am a big fan you and
vince vaughn were great in wedding
crashers
i see it
i see it sorry
bruce
this is honestly a real uh a big
personal moment for me to be here
roasting my dead cousin's second
favorite action star
i know you obviously as the star of
every dvd you kind of just find on the
street
obviously you had an amazing action film
career until jason statham started
balding
i'm just not familiar with action movies
i don't know i've never seen a single
one of your films consensually like
it's always what some guy puts on while
he's trying to finger me on his
roommate's couch you know what i'm
saying
maybe i didn't understand the fifth
element and it wasn't cause i'm a dumb
girl but because it's hard to follow
that plot when you're fighting off a
roofie and there's a knuckle inside you
you know
just me
oh i love the sixth sense though i loved
and the ending when the guy came in my
eye and i didn't have to watch the rest
of it that was great
a lot of people don't know that bruce is
a very talented musician because he
isn't
bruce has also been very active with the
make-a-wish foundation which is where
they make sick kids meet you so dying
doesn't seem so terrible
so cool
bruce in all honesty thank you for
having me here you're really cool you're
so hot and i this is a special night you
really are it's a special night
obviously your families your daughters
must be so proud of their father ashton
kutcher
i saw you on dancing with the stars girl
you got two left hooves don't you
watching nikki salsa dance was the worst
thing a white person has done to puerto
rican since trump threw paper towels at
him
chris redd is here because comedy
central wasn't sure if blake was black
or
not you look great chris
uh you always dress like a nine-year-old
who just found a thousand dollars on the
sidewalk
actually i'm not a comedian which is why
you can imagine i often get mistaken for
nikki glazer i mean apparently female
comics have to be dirty to expand their
fan base thank god you didn't have to go
there nikki
if you've ever asked yourself who do i
have to screw to get a tv show in
hollywood nikki has the actual list
and without furor ado and coulter
oh and
what's it like to be like a real life
super villain you know like
i'd ask you how you sleep at night but
i'd assume just upside down in a robe of
101 dalmatians
ann coulter has written 11 books 12 if
you count mine conf
yes
anne's been called things like a racist
anti-semitic homophobic a white
supremacist and that's just while
getting plowed by bill maher
the only person you will ever make happy
is the mexican who digs your grave
[Applause]
you might think with a name like
nikki glazer that she's jewish but she's
not
you can tell actually because uh jews
are funny
nikki said on her own show that she
enjoys anal sex her words
hey good for you
i mean it makes sense obviously you
don't eat so he might as well use that
hole for something huh
[Applause]
[Laughter]
that's so nice
kevin is here
ah
such an amazing actor most i know kevin
as like one of the greatest
impressionists of all time i'm a huge
fan my favorite of his is um he does an
amazing robin williams
i i just wish he would finish it
[Applause]
yeah okay guys listen all i'm saying is
that we've lost a lot of grates to
suicide recently and it's time we lose
some okays
wax on wax off
nikki glazer has no idea what i'm
talking about right now because one she
only watches porn and two she's never
waxed in her life hairy
big hairy big hairy big
hairy rob riggle ugh i want to
thank you so much for fighting the war
against terrorism and subtlety
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you