But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized
by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed.
And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal,
and so crazy for so many years,
but also, highlights how the next generation
will not believe our stories about it at all.
[audience laughs]
There's a zero percent chance they will understand what we're talking about.
It'd be like trying to tell a kid now,
like, "Hey, you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people."
They'd be like, "What the fuck are you saying right now?"
It would be the same thing.
I'll sit my son down one day and be like,
"You know when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died."
[audience laughs]
And he'll be like, "Why? Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?"
[audience laughs]
"They didn't sell it at 7-Eleven.
Daddy used to get in cars with strangers."
[audience laughs]
"Where are we going?" "Chill out." "All right."
[audience laughs]
The three-hour round trips to buy weed.
"What kind of weight were you moving?"
Twenty dollars' worth of marijuana.
[audience laughs]
That kind of major shit.
[audience laughs]
I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time.
Not a trailer park. A solo trailer.
The most terrifying housing situation that exists.
Where other trailer people are like, "Get the fuck out of here." Kick 'em out.
[audience laughs]
I just walked up to that shit, 15. This dude's like, "You trying to get a sack?"
-I was like, "Oh, shit. Yeah." -[audience laughs]
"We could go do that." I was like, "All right. Cool."
And he goes, "We just need to go get it." I was like, "You don't fuckin' have it?
[audience laughs]
Isn't that your sole responsibility?" I tried to play cool, "Let's go get it."
He goes, "I'll go get it. You stay here and watch my place."
And I was like...
[audience laughs]
"Okay."
[audience laughs]
Then he goes, "There's a .357 and a shotgun on my bed.
Anybody comes in here, blast 'em."
[audience laughs]
Inside? Paralysis.
[audience laughs]
But what I said was, "That's what's up."
-Like, yeah, man. Pow. -[audience laughs]
[imitates explosion]
[audience clapping]
Then he stopped at the door. "But don't shoot my mom."
I go, "Can we get a description before we agree to terms?
[audience laughs]
How about a height and weight on old mom?"
[audience laughs]
Not everybody agrees on weed. That's fine, I don't care.
Like my parents, we don't agree... They are not cool with weed.
I don't care. They're old. I still love them.
[audience laughs]
My dad's a Vietnam vet, you know. Some of them are cool...
[audience whooping]
-[man] Yeah! -...with weed.
Some of them are not. Some don't want to talk about Vietnam.
-My dad does. -[audience laughs]
Some are like, "I don't want to talk about it."
And my dad's like, "What do you want to know?"
[audience laughs]
Here's what I wanted to know as a kid.
It's terrible to ask a stranger this, but this was my own father.
And I'd seen a lot of movies. So, I'm like, "You were in the war.
Did you kill anybody?" The first time I asked him, he goes, "No, I didn't."
I go, "All right. Okay." A few years later, I asked him again.
"Did you ever kill anybody?" He goes, "I was a lieutenant.
I was in charge of people. It didn't work like that."
I said, "Okay." A few years later, I asked again, "You ever kill anybody?"
And he goes, "I threw grenades into bunkers."
[audience laughs]
I go, "Were there people in there?" He goes, "There were, yeah.
[audience laughs]
Just little pieces by the time I got in there."
[audience laughs]
Then last year, I go, "Did you ever kill anybody?"
He goes, "There's no better feeling than killing the enemy."
[audience laughs]
Whoa.
I can remember the first time we ever talked about weed.
Because it was Christmas Day. That's why it stood out.
I was 12 years old. I think my sister brought it up.
She was like, "I want to smoke weed."
And my dad goes, "You want to know what I think of marijuana?"
And I was genuinely curious. I go, "What, Dad?"
He goes, "I was at a party one time.
And somebody pulled out a marijuana cigarette.
And I said, 'I'm out of here.'"
[audience laughs]
And I was like, "Cool story, nerd. You got any other ones?"
[audience laughs]
And he goes, "Well, yeah. One time, I was in Vietnam,
and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana.
So, I found him, and I picked him up by his throat,
and I threw him on the ground, and I put my M16 in his face.
And I said, 'If you ever come here again, I'll fuckin' kill you.'"
And I go, "Do you have any stories in between those two stories?"
[audience laughs]
Jesus. It's Christmas, bro. Goddamn.
[audience laughs]
Two years after that, there was a woodpecker fuckin' up our house.
[audience laughs]
This will all make sense. And...
[audience laughs]
Woodpeckers can really damage your house.
I remember my dad paid a guy $500 to patch up that part of the house.
A month later, the woodpecker returned.
This time, my dad did not call the guy.
He woke me up, his teenage son, on a Saturday morning.
Picture you're dead asleep. And my dad, whispering in your ear,
with his potent dad breath.
[audience laughs]
He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep, "I need you to shoot a bird."
[audience laughs]
I just go, "I don't do that."
[audience laughs]
And he goes, "Figure it out."
[audience laughs]
So, I said, "Okay, Lieutenant." And I got an air rifle.
I shot the woodpecker. I remember, I shot it mid-peck, so it was going...
[imitates woodpecker]
[audience laughs]
Landed in front of me. So much bigger up close. Really big.
Red feathers, distinct features.
I was blown away. I bagged it up, I threw it away.
I went over to my girlfriend's house,
I started telling her family about it over lunch.
I should mention, at the time, my girlfriend's family
ran a wildlife conservation center. So...
[audience laughs]
I didn't know my audience.
But... I heard a few forks drop, and I look up.
And her dad goes, "Oh, my God.
You killed a long-billed woodpecker.
That's an endangered species."
[audience murmurs]
And I go, "Oh."
[audience laughs]
I said, "My dad made me do it."
[audience laughs]
And he goes, "How does that make you feel, knowing that you did that?"
And I said, "There's no better feeling than killing the enemy.
-It was fuckin' awesome. -[audience laughs]
I loved it.
[audience cheering and clapping]
Those birds are extinct now. I did that shit.
I don't give a fuck. I'm crazy." So...
[audience laughs]