WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE NUMBER ONE STORY IN THE WORLD CONTINUES TO BE VLADIMIR
PUTIN'S DERANGED ONSLAUGHT AGAINST THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
AND THE ONLY BRIGHT SPOTS ARE THANKS TO THE RESILIENCE AND
INGENUITY OF THE UKRAINIANS.
TAKE A LISTEN TO HOW UKRAINIAN SOLDIERS ARE SCARING RUSSIAN
FORCES WITH DRONES: >> WHAT THEY WOULD DO?
THEY WOULD TAKE A COMMERCIAL DRONE WITH A CAMERA AND
CAMOUFLAGE IT TO LOOK LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE WORST
"TERMINATOR" MOVIE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THEY CAN PICK A WORST "TERMINATOR" MOVIE?
THREE-WAY TIE THING.
THREE-WAY TIE.
NOT THE ORIGINAL OR THE SEQUEL.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
HE CONTINUED: >> THEN, THEY'D FLY THAT DRONE
AROUND THE PLACE WHERE, YOU KNOW, WHERE THE RUSSIAN SOLDIERS
ARE.
SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU'RE A RUSSIAN SOLDIER AND YOU SEE
SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO SKYNET?
YOU RUN.
WHERE DO YOU RUN?
YOU RUN TO YOUR MAMA.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR MAMA, YOU RUN TO YOUR BASE.
THAT WAY THEY LEAD US TO THEIR BASES AND NO CAMOUFLAGE WORKS
AGAINST THAT, AND THEN OUR ARTILLERY, JUST, YOU KNOW,
SHOOTS AT THE BASE.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
THAT'S USING THE OLD NOODLE RIGHT THERE.
HERE IN THE U.S., OUR MOST INNOVATIVE DRONE TACTIC IS
GETTING GORGEOUS AERIAL VIEWS OF YOUR COUSIN'S BARN WEDDING.
[LAUGHTER] "OH, LOOK.
THE MASON JAR CANDLES SPELL OUT 'TODD AND ASHLEY.'
FIRE THE ARTILLERY."
[LAUGHTER] IT TURNS OUT RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE
ALSO SABOTAGING THEMSELVES.
BACK IN FEBRUARY, RUSSIA OCCUPIED CHERNOBYL, AND NOW
WE'RE LEARNING THAT THOSE SOLDIERS STOLE DANGEROUSLY
RADIOACTIVE ITEMS FROM THE NUCLEAR PLANT TO KEEP AS
"SOUVENIRS."
[LAUGHTER] OF COURSE.
YOU CAN'T GO TO CHERNOBYL AND NOT CHECK OUT THE GIFT SHOP.
[LAUGHTER] "LOOK HON', A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS
'I HAD A NUCLEAR BLAST AT CHERNOBYL!'
OH, IT'S GOT FIVE ARMHOLES."
[LAUGHTER] THE SANCTIONS ARE REALLY
STARTING TO BE FELT, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, RUSSIA DEFAULTED ON
ITS FOREIGN DEBT.
NOW, I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE, HOW BAD IS THIS FOR
RUSSIA'S CASH FLOW?
IS IT LIKE THEY LOST THEIR WALLET, OR INVESTED ALL THEIR
MONEY IN 'MORBIUS?'" [LAUGHTER]
BASICALLY, IT'S PRETTY BAD.
RUSSIA TRIED TO USE RUBLES TO PAY A LOAN THAT THEY TOOK OUT IN
DOLLARS, AND THEY GOT DENIED.
BECAUSE THANKS TO OUR SANCTIONS, THE U.S. TREASURY HAS BLOCKED
RUSSIA FROM ACCESSING ITS RESERVES AT AMERICAN BANKS.
THAT'S RIGHT, NONE OF THE AMERICAN BANKS!
NONE OF THE AMERICAN BANKS ARE AVAILABLE TO THEM!
NO ELIZABETH BANKS, NO TYRA BANKS, NO JOS. A BANKS!
NO TWO SUITS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!
HOW BIG OF A DEAL IS THIS?
IT'S HIGH QUALITY!
GOT A BLAZER.
GOT A BLUE BLAZER!
HOW BIG OF A DEAL IS THIS?
KEEP IN MIND, RUSSIA'S LAST DEFAULT ON ITS FOREIGN DEBT WAS
IN FEBRUARY 1918.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE LENIN'S LETTER TO EUROPEAN FINANCIERS:
"RUSSIA WILL BE UNABLE TO FULFILL ITS DEBT OBLIGATIONS
BECAUSE OUR CURRENCY...
IS POTATO."
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
YEAH!
HA-HA!
THEY SAY IF YOU CAN TOUCH ONE PERSON... DO IT ON THE POTATO.
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT THE DOUCHE OF HAZARD.
OVER THE WEEKEND, HE WEIGHED IN ON THE POLITICAL FUTURE OF
CHARLATAN AND CATER WAITER HOLDING THE HORS D'OERVES TRAY
WITH HIS JUNK, DR. MEHMET OZ.
SPECIFICALLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT ENDORSED DR. OZ FOR
THE U.S. SENATE.
COME ON, HE'S A CON MAN!
SO IS DR. OZ!
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
NOW, YOU SEE, YOU SEE, JON, THEY BOTH, LIKE --
NOW, I'D LIKE TO LIST ALL THE SCAMS DR. OZ HAS TRIED TO FOIST
ON HIS AUDIENCE, BUT WE ONLY HAVE AN HOUR SHOW.
AMONG THE MANY SNAKE OIL SUPPLEMENTS HE HAS PEDDLED ARE
RASPBERRY KETONES FOR FAT BURNING, LAVENDER SOAP FOR LEG
CRAMPS, AND STRAWBERRIES FOR TEETH WHITENING.
NONE OF THESE WORK, OF COURSE, BUT THERE IS ONE SIMPLE TRICK TO
MAKE YOU HEALTHIER: TAKE TWO HOUSEHOLD BANANAS, THEN JAM ONE
IN EACH EAR UNTIL YOU CAN'T HEAR DR. OZ ANYMORE.
YOU'LL BE FINE, OR YOU'LL BE BETTER!
[APPLAUSE] BIG BANANA!
THAT'S A BIG BANANA RIGHT THERE!
IN HIS STATEMENT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT ASSURED PENNSYLVANIA
VOTERS THAT HE WAS MAKING THE ENDORSEMENT BASED ON HIS
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, WRITING, "I HAVE KNOWN DR. OZ FOR MANY
YEARS, AS HAVE MANY OTHERS, EVEN IF ONLY THROUGH HIS VERY
SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION SHOW.
HE HAS LIVED WITH US THROUGH THE SCREEN AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN
POPULAR, RESPECTED, AND SMART."
AWW, GRANDPA THINKS HIS T.V.
FRIENDS ARE HIS REAL FRIENDS.
[LAUGHTER] "YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE ATTORNEY
GENERAL?
THAT NICE LADY FROM 'MURDER SHE WROTE.'
[LAUGHTER] SHE'S SOLVED ALL OF THE MURDERS
IN CABOT COVE!
ALSO, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE PAT SAJAK SECRETARY OF
TRANSPORTATION?
HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS WHEELS!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY ENDORSEMENT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT HANDED OUT LAST WEEK.
HE ALSO MADE THIS APPEARANCE AT A CONCERT:
>> HELLO EVERYONE.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
I KNOW YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME AT THE KID ROCK CONCERT
TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA IS OPENING FOR KID ROCK!
[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
ON A WEDNESDAY.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS EMBARRASSING SINCE JIMMY CARTER
INTRODUCED KISS.
[LAUGHTER] HE WANTED TO SEND IN THE KISS
ARMY TO FREE THE HOSTAGES.
[LAUGHTER] THE FORMER PRESIDENT BETTER HAVE
HIS FUN WHILE HE CAN, BECAUSE THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS BEEN
HARD AT WORK, AND THEY NOW HAVE EVIDENCE FOR A CRIMINAL REFERRAL
FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY FINALLY HAVE PROOF THAT THE EX-PRESIDENT DID ALL THE STUFF
WE ALL SAW HIM DO LIVE ON TELEVISION.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
IT'S LIKE A CRIMINAL ATTORNEY SAYING,
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I HAVE PROOF THIS MAN IS A
MURDERER.
FOR ONE, HE'S STABBING THE BAILIFF RIGHT NOW!
LOOK AT HIM, NOT ME.
DON'T LOOK AT MY HAND."
LOOK OVER THERE!
AMONG THE EVIDENCE THEY'VE GATHERED IS SOME DAMNING NEW
DETAILS ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S SON DON JR., SEEN
HERE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THINKING.
[LAUGHTER] RIGHT ON THE EDGE.
THAT'S A LONG FALL!
ACCORDING TO RECORDS ACQUIRED BY THE COMMITTEE, "DON JR. TEXTED
HIS DAD'S FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS IDEAS FOR
OVERTURNING 2020 ELECTION BEFORE THE ELECTION WAS EVEN CALLED."
TO BE FAIR, WHEN DON JR.'S IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF NOSE, HE
SENDS A LOT OF COOL IDEAS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
"OKAY, CAT AND DOG WEDDING REALITY SHOW!
WAIT, NO!
THEME PARK FOR GROWNUPS WHERE YOU GET TO SHOOT COWS!
'STAR WARS' REBOOT WITH ALL JARJARS!
OVERTHROW THE WILL OF THE VOTERS!
START A METAL BAND THAT SELLS CRYPTO!
HATS MADE OF BEEF JERKY!" [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] "MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM.
MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM.
MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM."
>> OH YES.
>> MM, MM, MM, MY TEETH ARE SOFT!
SO, WHAT DID THESE TEXTS SAY?
WELL, ON NOVEMBER 5, DON JR. TEXTED MEADOWS SUGGESTING THAT
THE CAMPAIGN FILE LAWSUITS, DEMAND RECOUNTS, AND HAVE
REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATURES PUT FORWARD SLATES OF FAKE
ELECTORS, ADDING, "IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
WE HAVE MULTIPLE PATHS.
WE CONTROL THEM ALL."
LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GONNA TEXT YOUR PLANS TO OVERTHROW AN
ELECTION, AT LEAST DISGUISE IT WITH EMOJIS.
"I GOT AN IDEA: BALLOT BOX, TRASH CAN. AMERICAN FLAG, POOP
EMOJI-- PUMPKIN, CROWN, FATHER, HUG?"
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
JUNIOR WAS SO -- HM...
JUNIOR WAS SO CONFIDENT IN THE PLAN THAT HE WAS CONCERNED THAT
NOT EVERYONE WAS LOOPED IN, TEXTING, "THIS IS WHAT WE NEED
TO DO, PLEASE READ IT AND PLEASE GET IT TO EVERYONE THAT NEEDS TO
SEE IT."
OH, I'M PRETTY SURE THE F.B.I.
HAS SEEN IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: >> THE BEST-- IS YET-- TO COME!
[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE CHANCE THE RAPPER AND BROADWAY STAR BEANIE
FELDSTEIN.