-Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
You guys, it's Veterans Day and --
[ Cheering and applause ] [ Rimshot ]
[ Whistling ]
Tonight, our audience is made up of veterans and active military.
Thank you very much for being here.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Welcome.
Between all of you out here
and Sylvester Stallone backstage,
I've never felt so safe in my entire life.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I just want to say to everyone here and watching at home,
thank you for protecting us from our biggest threats,
both foreign
and domestic.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You know --
[ Cheering ]
You know, I could never do what all of you guys do.
The closest I've been to a war zone was this morning
when I logged on to Twitter.
It was unbelievable.
[ Laughter, ohhs, and applause ]
Of course, there was a big Veterans Day Parade
here in New York City.
[ Cheering and applause ] You were there?
It included 25 floats, 20,000 marchers,
and one guy who was still finishing the marathon.
[ Laughter ] [ Southern accent ] Alright, you can do it.
Come on, buddy, go!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, so many of you in tonight's audience
earned some amazing medals over your careers
and I think sometimes civilians can feel a little left out,
so we decided to make some medals
that regular people can earn, too.
[ Laughter ]
I'll show you what I mean.
For instance, there's a medal for...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
You know, I don't -- Yeah, I heard you.
There's also a medal for...
It's like -- [ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Next, there's a medal for....
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Next, there's a medal for...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
And, finally, there's a medal for...
There you go, yeah.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
I'm trying! I'm trying! I'm trying.
I'm so honored and thrilled that our audience is filled
with men and women who served in uniform.
But look, I don't want to be a stickler about this,
but when we say served in uniform,
we're talking about people in the military.
so, I'm sorry, sir, but you're going to have to leave.
[ Laughter ] -Wait, wait. No, no, hold on.
-No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
-Wait, just a second. This is a uniform.
-No, no. -Come on, wait, wait, wait.
[ Cheering and applause ] No, wait, wait, hold on.
No, no, hold on.
Oh, no! -I appreciate it, but --
-You can't handle the truth! -No, come on.
-You can't handle the truth! -I know, I know.
Get him outta here.
Sorry about that.
Let's get to some news.
Everybody's talking about this --
in his first address to Twitter employees,
Elon Musk said that bankruptcy is a possibility.
Answering the question, "What's the opposite
of a motivational speech?" It's like --
[ Laughter ]
Twitter also suspended the launch of Twitter Blue
because so many users were paying to be verified,
then impersonating other people.
[ Laughter ] Seriously, it's a mess over there.
I knew the impersonations were a problem
when Pope Francis slid into my DMs.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It was weird.
And did you see this? I read that
almost every major cryptocurrency is crashing.
Right now, the only Bitcoin winners are the people
who never wasted the time to understand it.
[ Laughter, cheering, whistling, and applause ]
[Indistinct].
It's pretty shocking. It turns out fake money is not
as valuable as you think.
[ Laughter ]
Some news from overseas --
today President Biden was at a climate summit in Egypt
and, during his speech, someone interrupted him
with a loud sound. Check this out.
-[ Echoing ] As I stand here before you,
we've taken enormous strides to achieve that.
-[ Howling echoes ]
-But I don't stand here alone.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
-No, you're not --
No, you're not alone.
It's you and a pack of coyotes.
[ Laughter ]
You can tell, for a second, Biden was like,
"Please tell me you guys are hearing this sound, too.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's not my time yet, please. It's not my --"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some entertainment news -- I saw that a biopic
about Snoop Dogg's life is in the works
and, right now, they're trying to figure out
the best name for the movie.
For example, they're considering names like --
-Ah, here we go.
[ Laughter ] -What's up, Tariq?
-Let me guess.
You're going to list a bunch of fake movie titles
about Snoop Dogg, right?
-I mean, yeah, that was the plan.
-And then, then, like
a little graphic'll pop up,
so everyone could see the titles and laugh along.
-Right, I want to show our audience a good time.
-Yeah, I know exactly how this'll go down.
See, first, a graphic'll pop up
with a picture of Snoop Dogg that says...
-Yeah. -And then, and then, under that,
you'll list the fake titles, like, like...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Or, or, or...
[ Laughter ] -Yeah. -I don't know.
I'm just spitballing here.
Stuff like, uh...
[ Laughter ] And then, and then, of course, the...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ] You know...
[ Laughter ] -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ] -What?!
-And then you'll do, you know...
[ Laughter ] ...or something like that.
-Yeah. -Oh, and, uh...
Followed by...
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Rimshot ]
And then --
And then you'll probably end on something topical,
like, I don't know, instead of "John Wick,"
you'll just go with...
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-Is that how this is going to go?
-Yeah. You nailed it. -Cool.
It's a fun bit. You should do it.
[ Laughter ] -Alright. We'll do it next week.
Thank you. I'll do it next week.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
"Wakanda For-Reefer"?
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, get this -- I heard that the National Toy Hall of Fame
just inducted the top, Lite-Brite,
and Masters of the Universe.
Yep, they praised Lite-Brite for introducing millions of kids
to the feeling of being burnt by a scalding-hot lightbulb.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, this year's Toy Hall of Fame inductees
are the top, Lite-Brite, and Masters of the Universe.
And this is very interesting -- they also announced a list
of the worst toys. -Really?!
-Yeah. Check out some of these.
First up, there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, there's...
[ Laughter and applause ] Sad.
Next, there's...
[ Laughter and ewws ]
-Ugh! Wow! [ Rimshot ]
-I can't believe we showed that on television.
-Oh, my God! Pre-Dropped?
-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, my God!
And, finally, the worst toy of all...
[ Laughter, oohs, and applause ]
[ Cheering ] Tickles you back. Weird.
Finally, this is exciting -- tomorrow,
the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is going up.
[ Cheering and applause ]
It kicks off that special two months in New York City
when even Navy SEALs are like,
"Let's get the hell outta here."