Good evening.
"Why are we even here" is what you're thinking
You're sitting there going "everyone has already decided"
BUT we found Doug, the last undecided voter.
Trump: Where's Doug? Doug: I guess you could say I've been BIDEN my time.
Heh heh heh heh. Classic doug.
Doug thus far has no plan.
Let it be known that whosoever wins the heart of Doug wins the heart of our nation.
Tonight the undecided will decide. Hit it!
[drums intensify]
It's the last night They wanna build new buildings with little tiny windows
to finish this fight! Joe! He was selling sheets and pillows
It's the last time He just talks about malarkey!
for you to be together I represent all Americans, both parties
It's your last chance Don't give me this stuff about how you're this innocent baby
To tell us your stance We're gonna make sure that we open safely
Yes, it's your last dance It will go away He hasn't done a thing
From now until forever We could save lives There are some spikes
babehh!
[once again, drums are asking to intensify]
When I was a baby, my mama told me that America's the greatest
but if that's true, then tell me why do we have the most corona cases?
He was told this was a serious virus that spread in the air,
you folks home will have an empty chair.
What happens to the ordinary people out there?
This guy tried to cut medicare.
We have a vaccine, operation Warp Speed
It's coming, it's ready, it's not guaranteed
It will be gone soon, and now they say I'm immune
One day when Miami is fully afloat
will the uncles of the nation finally admit climate change ain't a hoax?
wind is expensive, gas is clean the cleanest air and water we've seen
renewable energy is the answer he thinks windmills cause cancer
-I know more about wind than you do! -oh, God...
It's the last night he thinks he's running against somebody else, he's running against Joe Biden
to finish this fight you have not released your tax returns, what are you hidin'?
it's the last time it will go away, as I say!
for you to be together there are a thousand deaths a day
Can we become friends with every nation on the planet
take all the money we waste on war to make a Shrek 5, damn it?!
I made it clear, any country interferes will pay a price!
he pokes his finger in the eyes of our allies.
there has been nobody tougher on Russia than Donald Trump
it's a phony witch hunt
how will you bring us back together, end the nation's feuds
even though almost half the country is voting for the other duuuuude
I don't see red states I don't see blue states
what I see is American united states!
we're gonna move forward, keep them safe
I am the least racist person in this room
liberal people CRIIIIED
this is the guy, he pushed for the death penalty for the Central Park Five
It's the last night We're about to go into a dark winter, no clear plan
to finish this fight! You're the big man, JOE! (yeah) You're the big man!
It's the last time he has this thing about living in a basement
for you to be together you know who I am, you know my reputation
It's your last chance I know more about wind than you do
to tell us your stance kills all the birds! Joe, I ran because of you!
It's your last dance it will go away! he hasn't done a thing!
from now until forever it can save lives there are some spikes
babehhh!
And that concludes our final debate. Doug, what's the verdict?
I only have one followup question...
[appropriately suspenseful music]
[tension becomes unbearable]
come on!
Which one is Brump and which one is Tiden?
Goddamn it, Doug.
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remember to go vote, and after you vote, HAVE A GREAT DAY AND A GREAT LIFE!