- [Announcer] Hey kids, remember, everything you're about
to learn is real!
♪ Look at all the wonders that a single class can find ♪
♪ When they decide to shut their mouths ♪
♪ And open up their minds ♪
♪ Sex and (beep) and crime and pain ♪
♪ All this crap will be explained ♪
♪ And while we're at it, let's try to have some fun ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout what the (beep) 101 ♪
♪ Come and see the worst of history ♪
♪ What the (beep) 101 ♪
♪ Come and see the life and misery ♪
♪ So if you think learning sucks ♪
♪ Well let me show you ♪
(screaming)
- No, no, no, no, no!
♪ It's what the (beep) 101 ♪
- With me, professor Foxtrot.
(screaming)
- Is River dead?!
- Who was that man?!
- Aah, what the (beep) is happening?!
I don't understand!
- Everyone calm down.
River is fine, probably.
Maybe.
- What the hell happened to her?
- Dr. Gamma was probably trying
to zap me back to the Q dimension.
I'm sure River is safe there.
- What's the Q dimension?
- A prison dimension ungoverned
by the laws of God man and physics.
Where the maddest most dangerous mad scientist
are locked up!
But I'm sure she's fine.
(moaning)
(futuristic music)
- Hello?
(echos)
That's weird.
(tornado whirling)
(cat meowing and glitching)
This place is (beep) sick!
- That Foxtrot is always making a mess of things.
- Oh.
- You're not supposed to be here!
But I suppose you can still be useful.
(chuckles)
- Uh, what's up?
- I'm just going to keep an eye on you and then,
I'll finally apprehend Foxtrot once she inevitably comes
to collect you.
(chuckles)
(dramatic music)
(robotic whirring)
- So, I think we should probably just leave River
where she is.
- What?!
Are you crazy?
We can't do that.
- Sure we can!
Bringing you to the Q dimension is quite an expedition.
And if history teaches us anything.
It's that expeditions can go terribly, terribly wrong!
(electronic humming)
Follow me!
- But what about River?
Hey!
Miss Foxtrot, where are you going?
We're not done talking about this!
(electronic humming)
- It's July of 1897 and--
- Miss Foxtrot, no.
We can't go on another educational adventure right now.
River needs our help.
Look, I know it's risky.
But if we try hard, we can get her back safely.
- Yeah, we just need to believe in ourselves or something.
- And I think you're just trying to protect yourself.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, this is Salomon August Andrée of Sweden.
Resourceful, eternally optimistic, and a total failure.
- Ha-ha!
Hi there!
I'm gonna fly a hot air balloon from Svalbard
over the North Pole to Canada!
Or maybe Russia.
Both work.
- He's not sure?
- Well you can't steer balloons.
- I can.
My balloon will drag dozens of long ropes along the ground,
slowing it enough that we can use sails to change course!
All aboard!
Come on gang, hop on the balloon.
Hands and feet inside the basket!
(chuckling)
Just kidding, you can put your feet out.
- Whoa.
- Up, up, and away!
(fire blazing)
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
- (beep)
- That's fine.
It is fine now.
- It wasn't.
Andrée immediately lost his only method of steering.
And he unloaded so much weight that the balloon shot
up to an altitude of 700 meters.
(screaming)
At that height, hydrogen escaped even more quickly.
And ice crusted onto his balloon.
(screaming)
(beep)
(splash)
(screaming)
(soaring music)
(screaming)
(soaring music)
(screaming)
- Oh, I'm getting sick.
- Get used to it.
With no equilibrium, Andrée rose and fell
for two days straight.
- Everything's going great.
- We're all gonna die!
- Okay, compromise.
Let's say we've had some ups and downs.
(chuckles)
- Boo!
(screaming)
(thud)
(wind howling)
- Andrée was forced to hike back to civilization.
First he went southeast.
- Eastward ho!
- But he was on an ice float
drifting the opposite direction.
He actually traveled backward!
He then converted his balloon into a raft
and set sail to the southwest instead.
- Westward ho!
- But the wind changed directions almost immediately.
(wind howling)
- Hmm.
- By September 12th, two months after his initial departure,
Andrée decided to camp through the winter on an ice float,
and let the drift carry him wherever it would.
- Wherever ho!
- Less than a month later, the ice broke apart
under his encampment, forcing him
to relocate to solid ground.
Even still, Andrée remained relentlessly upbeat.
Here's what he wrote about himself and his two companion.
- [Andrée Voiceover] Morale remains good.
With such comrades one should be able to manage under,
I may say, any circumstances.
- See, he and his friends looked out for each other.
- They were dead within days!
(wind howling)
- Damn it! - Aw, that sucks!
- Aw, come on!
- See, if you try hard, believe in yourself,
and stay positive, you can still fail and die!
- But he was also hasty, stupid, and unprepared.
We can't knowingly abandon River!
- Right! - Yeah!
- Yes we can.
I'll show you.
(electric humming)
- Where the hell is she?
- I don't know man.
- I mean, she must know you're here.
And you're a child for Christ's sakes.
- She's kind of a (beep) person.
(electronic humming)
- It's 1698, and this is the Gulf of Darien,
in what we know as Panama!
But what at this time is called--
- Caledonia!
Colony of the great kingdom of Scotland!
- No, shut up.
How can you teach while River is
in some mad scientist prison?
- Uh, excuse me.
I'm very excited to talk about Caledonia here.
- If we try to get her, all of us will be in danger.
- But especially you.
- It's pretty cool!
- Yes, so, I don't want to end up like this disaster.
- We're not a disaster!
We're the staft of the grand Scottish Empire.
- And also the end.
The crops failed, and what little food they had spoiled
in the tropical climate.
(chomping)
- Oh no, it's a Caledonian delicacy.
- The fort they built had no fresh water.
And the colony was beset by malaria and dysentery
and our old friend, yellow fever!
(vomiting)
- Man, that stuff is everywhere.
- This is what I'm saying.
Someone should have helped them.
- If they did, it could have started a war.
Spain had claimed this land and no one wanted
to piss them off by trading with the settlers.
- So every other country just watched these people die?
- Well, England traded alcohol.
- Woo!
- Which meant the whole colony was populated
by starving, sickly, drunken nationalists.
(vomiting)
(bagpipes playing)
- Scotland forever!
- In the end, only 300
of the original 1200 settlers survived.
(thud)
(crashing)
(water bubbling)
- Okay, but what about Scotland?
They still could have helped.
- They tried!
A month later, two ships brought 300 more
people and supplies.
One of those ships accidentally burned down.
And nearly everyone aboard the other died
of disease while trying to escape to Jamaica.
And since word hadn't yet reached Scotland
about the colony's collapse, 1000 more settlers arrived
and did it all again.
- I didn't think it was that fun the first time.
- Oh ho!
How's everyone enjoying the wondrous land of Caledonia?
(chomping)
(vomiting)
(thud)
(groaning)
- And on top of all that, the entire country
of Scotland was ruined!
Half of all the money in the country was invested
in the Darien scheme.
Scotland was so debt ridden, it could only survive
by uniting with England.
- So almost everyone on the expedition died,
everyone who tried to help died, and the country
that funded it went bankrupt?
- Yes!
See how an expedition can go wrong?
And how help can make it even worse!
- But, maybe these people would have lived
if others had helped them.
I mean, what about all the bold expeditions
that were successful?
- Even some of those were nearly disasters.
(electronic whirring)
(dramatic music)
- Do you think something happened to her?
Maybe she's in the hospital.
I think she just sucks man.
I bet right now everyone else is somewhere way worse,
learning something totally awful.
- Woo! - Yay!
- We're in outer space!
- River would have loved this!
- It's March 18th, 1965.
And Alexei Leonov is about to embark
on the first spacewalk ever!
(dramatic music)
- Cool!
(warning alarms)
- Uh, is he getting fatter?
- Yep, the pressure difference caused his space suit
to balloon up.
- Cute.
- He couldn't move his limbs or fit back into the airlock.
(groaning)
- Can't he just vent some air out of his suit?
(hissing)
- That's exactly what he did.
But it also brought him dangerously close
to getting the bends.
(dramatic music)
(groaning)
(alarms beeping)
- In his haste to get back inside,
Leonov overexerted himself.
Putting him at risk of heat stroke.
(grunting)
He sweated out 13 pounds of water weight.
All of of which was sloshing around in his suit
and getting in his eyes!
(water sloshing)
(dramatic music)
(door hisses shut)
- But he made it.
- Yes!
Which was when multiple systems in the spacecraft failed.
(alarms blaring)
- Uh oh, that looks bad.
- That's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
Maybe he can manually land it.
(rockets firing)
- He did!
In the Siberian wilderness.
(wolves howling)
Which was full of bears and wolves made aggressive
from mating season.
(moaning)
(growling)
- Oh yeah, you do not want to mess with a horny bear.
That's how my father died.
- Leonov had to camp in the capsule.
But an electrical malfunction broke the heater
and ran the fans at full blast!
(metal creaking)
(growling)
- But, but he survived.
- Yes.
A rescue patrol skied in the next day the next day
to retrieve him and the other cosmonaut.
In fact, he's still alive today.
- Aha!
You see Miss Foxtrot, how even a dangerous mission,
where everything goes wrong, can still be successful,
with a happy ending.
- Oh whatever.
Back to class!
- No!
No, we're not gonna do that thing where you preach
some cynical monologue about how the world is bad
as (beep) and everything is terrible.
We're getting River!
- Wait, Mindy!
- Mindy! - Wait!
(dramatic music)
(electronic humming)
- Give me that!
- River!
Are you here?
- The Q dimension is infinitely large.
She could be anywhere--
- There she is.
- Whoa!
(laughing)
Whoa!
Over here!
Oh hey!
Have you seen this place, it's (beep) sweet!
- Yay, we found her!
It was suspiciously easy!
- Great, let's get the (beep) out of here before--
- Ha!
(dramatic music)
You're mine now Foxtrot!
And it took you long enough, I mean Jesus,
what the (beep) is wrong with you?
(cheery music)
(projector humming and clicking)
(wind howling)
- If you liked that episode of WTF 101,
I have good news.
There's way more of it on Dropout.
Dropout is the new premium ad free
and uncensored platform from College Humor.
(bear growling)
Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
(gasping)
And don't worry about me, I'm fine.
Nah, this is all gonna turn out fine.
I feel safe.