- (PvF) You are honorary members
of the International Secret Intelligence Service Agency.
- Of ISIS? (laughs) (record scratches)
- Archer?
- Oh, is this Archer?
♪ Buh-duh dah-dah-dah ♪
- We're Archering? - We're Archering.
We're Arching, Archering.
- It's Try Not To Eat.
- Yeah, it's gotta be
Try Not To Eat: Archer Food? - Yeah.
- (both) Try Not To Eat?
- Oh. - Interesting.
- Ugh, fine!
There's probably gonna be alcohol in this episode.
(Martine gasps)
- (PvF) You ready? - Yeah!
- I was born ready. Are you ready?
- I don't know anymore!
- (Archer) And today, we're gonna be making a...
Actually, the only... - The only recipe. (laughs)
- Oh, that's the, well wait, it's the good one, right?
Not the fake one.
- He's so hot, for like a cartoon, come now!
(Chris laughs)
- Oh. - (Archer) Celebrity Chef Alan Brown.
- Dude, I forgot they used the same voice actor from Bob's Burgers.
(both laugh)
- Woah!
- See, there's the booze.
I hope we get drinks while we do this.
- Oh, see?
- It's the bloody hand. - What is happening?
(Jayse laughs)
- Jeez!
- Aww.
- There's restaurants that have this on the menu now.
- Eggs Woodhouse, let's go!
- Oh, I don't know!
- Oh! - Oh!
- See, I told you! Look at it!
- This is the drink that always makes me laugh,
because it's just, that stick of celery just sticking out of it!
- Yeah.
- This is a Bloody Mary? - (PvF) Sharon!
You don't even wanna hear about the dish?
Perfected by celebrity chef Alan Brown,
we've got Eggs Woodhouse For Good,
complete with black truffle beluga caviar,
pata negra ham, Kashmiri saffron,
and artichoke bottoms.
Don't worry, all that cholesterol will be flushed out of your veins
with some alcohol in the form of a good old Bloody Mary.
- You put caviar on top?
- Oof! - I mean,
I've also never had caviar.
(Martine screams)
- How did I not notice this right here?
Is this real? - Oh. (laughs)
- (laughs) What are we...
(both laugh)
Dude, that's perfect.
- They fire out of the gate so hot.
- Yeah.
- That like, that first dish is the best dish,
and then you get to like, the end,
and you're like I should've eaten that thing.
- It has all the makings... - Good morning!
- Of perfection in the morning! - Yeah. (laughs)
(buzzer)
- I'm gonna pass. I dislike tomatoes so strongly.
- No!
BYOB, man.
- (PvF) There was vodka in there already, I'd just like to say.
- Yeah, but it was like you walked it by.
- I mean, I'm sold on the caviar.
- You can't do... - We're already in it.
- This is an oddly fancy meal for, okay.
- I really wanna try it! - Yeah?
- I, ooh!
(buzzer)
- Who turns this down?
(Chris sighs) (buzzer)
- Yes!
- I like everything about this except for the caviar.
- Oh, that was good.
- This is very good. (laughs)
- Yeah? - Wow!
- That's all it takes for me to want to try it.
(buzzer)
- Dang, you guys are stepping it up!
I'm really scared for this punishment.
I'm gonna be perfectly honest.
- I do really like that ham though, the ham with the egg is really solid.
- Oh, I know, right? - Yeah.
- Mmm, it's pretty good. - Oh wow.
- It's a small dish.
- (man) Dolma, the rakia...
- Ooh, do you like dolma?
- (chef) Just wait until you try my tave kosi.
- Oh no. - Tava kosi!
- (man) My most favorite.
- (Malory) Well, finally.
- (man) Mmm, Chef Randy, this is the best tave kosi I've ever tasted.
- The best he's ever tasted!
- And it's poison.
(group gasps)
- And look, did you see him? He goes ooh! (laughs)
- (Archer) You really do like it.
- They really wanna give us that. - Is there poison in this?
(Martine laughs) Are we gonna die?
- Well, I don't wanna die, so, I wonder what this is.
- Oh!
- This looks good!
- It's almost to die for. - We've already lost.
- Mmm, oh, it smells nice. - Wow!
- (PvF) Do you want to hear about it, or pretend, oh.
You guys aren't even trying in the slightest.
- Mmm.
- I'm noticing a massive theme here.
- Fresh pesto. - Oh wow.
- There's some Thai basil on there, too.
- (PvF) This is a show called Try Not To Eat.
- This is pretty solid, what is this? - We just tried that.
We just tried that, and that was fan-frickin-tastic.
- (PvF) Well, you're gonna get punished!
Tonight, we've got tave kosi a la Sterling,
an Albanian comfort dish,
made with lamb, yogurt, rice, and eggs,
in a quiche-like casserole that's absolutely exquisite.
We're not making food, we're making cuisine.
Food is what a dog eats. (dog barks)
- Cuisine, oh, ho ho! - Cuisine!
(both laugh)
- Mm-hmm. That's good.
- Okay, so I'm like really at odds here.
- Why?
- Because we've already just, we've already started this train, so.
- This is true. - Choo choo!
- I don't know. It looks weird to me, but...
- Hmm, it smells wonderful.
- But I feel like I'm gonna regret it if I don't try it,
'cause I don't know what this is, I've never had it, so...
(buzzer) I'm doing it.
- You guys are really cranking up these Try Not To Eats.
These foods are decadent.
- Oh. - Yeah?
- Okay!
- You're coming home with me! - Pulling out the Shar-ware.
- Pulling it out, man!
- Oh my God! Uh...
Screw it! - Just do it, yes!
- I'm just doing it! - Do it! (laughs)
(buzzer) - Mmm!
Oh my God, this is really freakin' good.
- Damn!
- Honestly, it's good.
(buzzer)
- What did... (gags)
- (Archer) Yeah, you gotta blend,
but I meant what's going on hors d'oeurve-wise?
- (Pam) Wouldn't you like to know?
- Oh yeah! (laughs)
- (Malory) Blend! - Blend.
- I see you!
- Blend.
- (Pam) Slider made from certified Kobe beef
from Hyogo Prefecture.
- She's like... - You got Kobe beef in here?
- (Ray) Pata negra jamon iberico topped with queso Torta del Casar.
- Torta del Casar!
- I like her, I like Pam, too. - Yeah, Pam is great.
- Stop!
- These are small quiches!
Like, who knows what they're made of?
- I love it, Chris Parnell, from Saturday Night Live.
- I love it.
- You guys! Come on!
- Woo!
- We're gonna stack Kobe beef and jamon iberico?
- Ugh!
- Wow, these are so, like, delightful looking.
- Holy crap!
- (PvF) A regular Mc10:35 consists of an Egg McMuffin
with extra McDouble burger patties and cheese sandwiched between,
but the world's most expensive Mc10:35?
Well, that's an Archer creation you'll just have to try for yourself.
(buzzer)
- Well then.
(both laugh)
- Oh, it's so good! - (laughs) Evil laugh!
- Ooh. - (whispers) Wow.
- This looks amazing.
- I violently hate pickles and sliced tomato.
- Ooh, right here!
- I violently hate pickles.
- Iberico ham is not cheap. Kobe beef is not cheap!
- Mmm!
- Smells nice.
- I think I'm gonna,
I'm just trying to figure out how to get it all.
He did it all in one bite. That was impressive.
(buzzer)
- Mmm. - How do I even...
I wanna bite the whole thing!
I just gotta go for it. - Mmm.
- Here we go. (inhales)
- I think I might be able to resist this one,
just 'cause the crunchy bread has a tendency to cut my mouth,
and I'm just a little baby, so... (both laugh)
(buzzer) - Ooh, ooh, ooh, look at that!
- That's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm. - That's really good.
- I am so impressed with you!
- It cut my mouth. (Chris laughs)
- That crouton on top is nice! - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I'm gonna cry! (Martine laughs)
It's so good!
- Mmm. - Oh, mm.
- Ugh, fancy.
- No, I will be able to hold back.
- (PvF) Have you ever had a Mc10:35 from McDonald's?
- I've never even heard of that before.
I assume you have to order it at 10:35?
- It's a secret menu hack from a secret agent
that's upped because he is a secret agent,
so it's like next level. - Even more expensive.
(explosion echoes)
- (PvF) Chris, you're passing on this?
- Dude. - I think I'm gonna pass on this.
- Chris, hands down, that was the best bite.
- This is the world's most expensive 10:35.
- (PvF) Mc10:35. - Mc, damn it. (laughs)
- (Malory) Sterling, was that him? - (Lana) Yeah, where were you?
- (Malory) The cafeteria! - The cafeteria!
- Oh! - (Malory) I've been there since 6:00!
(both growling)
- Bear claw, bear claw, bear claw!
- (laughs) Bear claw! - Always!
She's... - Double fisting bear claws!
(Marine laughs) (Travis growls)
- Oh, it's almond, too? - Oh baby!
- Bear claw!
- I've never had a bear claw before. - (PvF) Really?
- Ooh yes!
- ♪ Ooh baby, baby ♪
(Travis growls)
- (PvF) We've got Pam's favorite, the donut-like sweet
that's larger and irregularly-shaped to resemble a bear's paw.
Bear claw, rawr!
(both growl)
- Who doesn't double fist a bear claw, you know?
- Mmm! (buzzer)
Mmm, mmm! - I've never had this bear claw.
I assume it's a sweet pastry with some almond shavings,
question mark? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, it just seems like a good idea.
(scarfs bear claw) (buzzer)
(Travis laughs)
(Jayse growls) - Ooh, this smells amazing too.
(buzzer)
Mmm, mm-hmm! - Mmm, mmm!
(buzzer)
- I get it, I get the hype, I get the hype.
- Mm-hmm! - That's pretty good.
- I love her, she's chaos. (buzzer)
(both growling)
- Mmm!
- This is a lot of bread. This is a lot of bread.
- (PvF) How's your first bear claw, Daniel?
- It's pretty good! - Mm-hmm.
- I'm surprised I've never, I've never even heard of it,
I've never seen this.
That is weird.
- There's so many things I come on here, and I'm like have I...
(Travis growls) (PvF laughs)
(both laugh)
- Undressing the bear claw right now.
Oh, bear claw, oh!
- Does that bear claw have consent, Chris?
(Chris laughs) Oh my God!
- Step bear claw, what are you doing?
(laughs) - Oh my God! (laughs)
- (PvF) Did you know this fun fact?
When Amber Nash recorded the dialogue of Pam eating bear claws,
the recording staff tricked her into eating a plate full of biscuits
for only 10 to 15 seconds of dialogue used in the final cut.
(Jayse laughs) - Wow!
- (PvF) Do you wanna see it?
- She ate a whole thing, yeah. - Yes, yes!
- (staff) Yeah, the script says she's double fisting,
so go ahead... - (staff) Go ahead and double fist.
- (staff) Grab another one.
- This is so, their pranks are so bad on this.
- Stop! - Keep holding them!
- So messed up!
- (staff) Just kinda, can you go (growls).
(Amber growls)
(Martine laughs)
- That's not bad for the line, at least.
- (laughs) I love this!
- You can just hear they're just [censored] with her.
- (laughs) She never says bear claw,
but they have her saying bear claw?
That's hilarious!
- (Archer) Come on, you know you want it.
- Come on, you know you want it. (Chris gasps)
- (Archer) Oh, yes I do. - Oh, yes I do.
- This is gonna get steamy!
- (Lana) I don't know, it's pretty big.
- I can't! (both laugh)
- (Archer) It's just a standard breakfast burrito size.
- (Lana) Here, first take a bite of mine.
- (Archer) No, first you take a bite of mine.
- But first take a giant bite! - (Lana) Let's do it together.
- (Archer) Is that crazy?
- I wanna see them doing the...
- Is that crazy?
- Just shove it, just oh yeah, let's do it together.
(Pam vomits)
- Oh, they were just listening in!
(both laugh)
- Because I feel like that's what the audience would do.
- Damn. (Sharon gags)
- It's absolutely the best.
Here you put it in your mouth.
- Yay! (Martine laughs)
- This is a girthy breakfast burrito. - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Are we doing this? - Wow, yours is so girthy.
- Your's... (laughs)
- Yours is so long. - Yours looks...
- (PvF) Who doesn't love a giant, wet, sloppy, and warm
breakfast burrito in the morning?
Especially when shared with Lana?
- Nice, moist, burrito.
- Why did it have to be wet? (both laugh)
- A wet burrito!
- Just really sloppy. (laughs)
- I think you should shove yours in my mouth.
- I think you should maybe give me a little bit of yours in my mouth.
- It's a good size. - It's a very good size.
- I think it's a good size, yeah. - Yep.
(buzzer)
- (PvF) You guys aren't feeding each other.
(buzzer)
(both mumbling)
- This is a hearty burrito. - Oh, that's nice.
- Not bad, yo! I wanna keep this.
- That was a lot in my mouth at once time.
But thank you, Travis. - I'm sorry, just, you know.
- Appreciate it.
- My breakfast burrito is just so huge.
- Mmm, so good.
- Give me some of your wet, sloppy, moist, burrito.
(both laugh)
- Mm-hmm.
- (PvF) Is it making you feel anything?
- Mm-hmm! A lot of things.
- There's a lot of meat in that one.
- Some say it might just be a standard size, but I disagree.
(both laugh)
- I don't know if I can finish. (PvF laughs)
(both laugh)
- You know what you gave us! - You did this!
- You did it! - You did!
- This episode, brought to you by [censored] Hub.
(both laugh)
- (PvF) Well guys, that is it!
That is our challenge.
Martine, Travis, Jayse, Chris, Sharon, and Daniel.
- Oh, everyone lost?
- (PvF) Every single person failed this episode!
- Damn. - Wow.
- This was not a challenge, Nicole. - No, this was...
- This was no challenge involved in here.
Obviously, I'm gonna eat this really good food.
- Dude, this was a five course meal!
- Ugh, so good! - Yeah!
- (PvF) Are you ready to see what you are missing out on?
- Aww, yeah. - Unfortunately, yes.
- Yeah, alright. - Hmm.
- (Lana) And the fact that they've all got...
- (Archer) Peppercorns, Lana.
- (Lana) Well, I was gonna say Tokarevs,
and Shpagin-41 submachine guns. - Shpagin-41 submarine gun!
- (Lana) Let's go with peppercorns. - (Archer) Thank you.
- Is there a hot tub included? - And he's got a bottle of Scotch.
- (Archer) Steak au poivre. - Ugh, of course!
- Oh, au poivre! I want steak au poivre!
- (Lana) Archer, we're supposed to be stopping the North Koreans...
- (laughs) I love how he's in a hot tub.
- (Lana) Not ordering every single item on the room service menu!
- (Archer) Just the dinner menu!
- Yeah, but, just the dinner menu.
- Why is he in a hot tub at the bottom of the ocean? (laughs)
- If we had resisted eating delicious foods.
We would've gotten to eat a super delicious food.
- The thing is, I don't like brown liquor.
- You know, one of these days,
I'm gonna be able to look to the future and think ahead,
and be like hmm, maybe you shouldn't eat the punishment, Trav.
- (both) Ooh!
- This feels like a very solid dinner from about 60 years ago.
- (PvF) For our winners, don't worry,
we've got all the peppercorns for Sterling's favorite Jacuzzi dinner
a steak au poivre with a bottle of Glengoolie Scotch to wash it all down.
- Au poivre! - Au poivre.
(Daniel laughs)
- This is exactly how I like my meat cut.
- Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch!
- (PvF) So the name references many Scotch whiskies,
whose name start with Glen,
and goolie is an English slang for testicles.
- (both) Wow!
(both laugh)
- Of course! - Naturally.
- Glen's testicles right here. - Yes!
- He had blue balls. - Glen's blue balls.
- Aww! - (sniffs) Aww!
- Oh, nothing. - Ah, here comes the crying.
- (PvF) Well, unfortunately, every single one of you failed,
and for that, you must all suffer the consequences.
(Daniel sighs)
- Ugh, temptation!
- Travis, I'm really scared.
- (PvF) Headphones on! - I am legitimately terrified.
- (Archer) Pam! - (Pam) No!
- (Archer) Come on, there are no bad ideas.
- We have to eat Pam!
- Oh, we have to eat Pam! (both laugh)
- Look at me, I'm Pam with long hair.
- Is that beer? Yeah.
- (Pam) No bad ideas?
- I doubt it.
- (Archer) Oh Jesus Christ, are you talking about?
That was a terrible idea!
- (Pam) No it wasn't!
- (Archer) We were the laughing stock of the Andes,
and we lost our asses!
- (Pam) Okay, yeah, I mean, maybe it was a little ahead of its time.
- I mean, yeah, it was a little ahead of its time.
- (Pam) It was local, it was sustainable.
- I kinda wish that Pam had a deeper voice.
- Oh, rats? - Instead, it is real high.
- No, we're eating rats? - Oh no!
- (Archer) Chinchilladas. - Chinchilladas!
- Chinchilladas! - Oh my God!
- Wait, no, not chinchillas!
- That's literally how I speak Spanish.
- We're eating rats?
- If you're doing this to me again, Nicole!
- Oh Jeez.
- Is it really chinchilla?
- We can't do chinchillas, that's [censored] up, man.
- Another rat!
- Why does it look like...
- No! - White and fuzzy!?
- Oh no!
- Dude, what?
- Yum! - Oh!
- (PvF) Dos por uno, dos por uno!
The taste sensation that is sweeping the nation.
Delicious chinchilladas made with chinchillas.
Rats? Okay, enjoy.
- Ugh!
- The hair is the worst part about this.
The smell of it and everything.
- So how many do we need to eat of this abomination?
- Five bites.
- I will say the plating is delightful,
like the sauce around it with the topping,
and the sticking out the, ugh.
- That's gross.
- (PvF) Martine's just going full...
- Are you just going full, okay, alright,
no, I will join you with this.
- What's the smell doing for ya? - Not good!
(both laugh)
- Oh Jesus.
- That's real gross.
- Bing!
(Chris exhales)
(Chris burps)
- Uh-huh. - Oh, it's so like, vinegary.
- Why, Nicole? It looked good.
It smelled okay.
- Oh my God, vinegar? Hot sauce.
- I'm still working through the fuzz, ugh.
- (PvF) No, no, no! No, no, no, Sharon!
You are not allowed to drink that anymore!
- What is like, green in... What is happening?
- I'm not a spice person, so even like the hot sauce
is just like a little bit of ugh. - It's a lot, it's a lot, yeah.
- How rude of you, trying to get rid of my Bloody Mary.
- Oh! - Yeah, you got it, come on!
Come on, yes, yes, yes!
- Notice how much I've eaten, compared to how much you've eaten.
You gotta take a proper bite, Chris.
- Yeah, I did, what, I was!
Fine. - Nicole!
- Om. - Yes, yes!
- Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Try Not To Eat.
- (PvF) Nope, no, no!
- Bye! It's okay, you're okay.
- (PvF) Well, Chef Ash, since everybody lost,
does that mean we win? - We get to enjoy, mm-hmm.
- (PvF) To blue balls! - To blue balls.
- (PvF) Hope you enjoyed this episode,
let us know what you thought in the comments below.
Also, be sure to follow us on Instagram @PeopleVFood,
and on TikTok @React, to see more behind the scenes content.
I cannot wait to dig in to this steak au poivre.
Poivre, poivre.