Are you a victim of a narcissist’s gaslighting?
They're just picking at you all the time,
trying to make you feel like you are crazy.
Are you ready to turn it all around?
I'm gonna show you, first of all, what gaslighting is.
Hey, I'm Rebecca Zung.
I'm a narcissist negotiation expert, I'm also an attorney.
In these videos and on this channel,
I teach you how to shift the dynamic with narcissists,
so you can become the most powerful version of yourself.
So, you wanna subscribe to this channel and
hit that notification bell.
Now, let's talk about how to shut down narcissists and
how to shut down gaslighting.
First of all, they're constantly trying to make you think
like, you're the one who's crazy.
Let's talk about what gaslighting is in the first place.
Gaslighting is a form of trying to make you think
like you're the one who's crazy.
It's a way that narcissists use to get control over you.
Why did they do it?
Well, because they want to make you feel devalued.
By the way, they didn't attach themselves to you,
I say this so many times,
but in case you're brand new here,
in case you're brand new to me, to my world,
I think it's really, really worth repeating,
narcissists did not attach themselves to you
because you have so little value,
they attached themselves to you
because you have so much value.
They're not stupid,
even though they're constantly devaluing you,
constantly trying to make you feel small,
they didn't attach themselves to you
because you have so little value,
they attached themselves to you
because you have so much value
because they wanna be able to suck that value for themselves.
It makes them feel more powerful
to devalue something that has so much value.
Doesn't that make sense? Think about it.
If they're constantly devaluing something that has value,
then that bolsters them.
They feel better about themselves
because they're pushing you down.
They don't feel better about pushing something down
that they already think is low,
what value do they get out of that?
Think about it.
That's why they devalue you,
they devalue you because they get off,
pushing somebody down,
that they already feel like is higher than them,
or at least equal to them,
because then they can, like, combine their way over and
push down something they already think has value,
so think about that.
So, why do they gaslight?
For one thing, is a form of trying to make you think you're crazy,
they do this to gain control over you,
to destabilize you, to make you think you're crazy,
that's one of the things, one of the reasons.
Another reason that they do it, frankly,
is to push attention away from themselves
when you're trying to hold them to account for something.
If you're trying to say to them,
“Hey, I caught you doing something
that you weren't supposed to be doing
or that you were supposed to be doing”,
“I think these text messages look suspicious”,
then they'll say, “Oh, no, that's not what you're seeing”
or “You were supposed to do this work and you didn't”,
“Oh, it wasn't me, it was somebody else,”
“Somebody else was supposed to do it”,
or “That's not what we agreed upon, we agreed on this”,
and so they do it also,
not just to make you think you're crazy,
but also to project and deflect responsibility off of themselves.
So there are a number of reasons why they gaslight,
not just to make you think you're crazy,
but also to project and deflect responsibility off of themselves,
to devalue you, to destabilize you,
to build up their own sense of self esteem...
So, there's a number of reasons.
By the way, so that you can remember what gaslighting means,
I'm going to tell you how it originated.
The word “Gaslight” actually came from a play in the 30’s.
So, what he was doing was, blowing out these gas lamps,
I think it was said in like, the 1800 or something and
she would say, “Wasn't that just lit?”
And he would say, “No, no, it wasn't”,
And she would say, “Oh, I'm pretty sure that was just lit”,
and he would say, “No, no, it wasn't”.
Therefore, trying to make her think she was crazy.
But that's where the term originated.
That's how you can remember where the term came from.
Now, coming back to you,
when you are trying to have a conversation with this person and
they’re projecting, deflecting, lying, denying,
whatever it is they're doing, they're belittling you,
making you feel small, constantly victimizing you,
constantly eroding at you,
eroding at your self esteem, eroding at your brain,
death by a thousand cuts.
Pick, pick, pick, pick, and it can get at you,
whether you are in a business relationship,
a personal relationship, a work relationship,
either your boss, your coworker, your family member,
whether it's your mother, your sister, your brother,
whoever it is, your spouse,
it eventually erodes away at you.
It's abusive, it's psychological abuse,
it's emotional abuse, it's spiritual abuse.
It erodes away at your soul,
you do start to question your mind,
you do start to question your sanity,
because it's happening on a daily basis sometimes.
And eventually you do start to go,
“Did I say that?” “Is that how that went?”
And so, you do start to think,
“I need to start keeping notes”,
“I need to start writing down”,
“Did I say that?”
So, you do need to start taking notes,
you need to start journaling, documenting,
if you had a conversation with the person,
confirming, for sure.
But in this particular episodes,
what I want to focus on specifically,
are phrases that you can use to hit back
in a way that allows you to maintain your dignity and
not necessarily have a backlash and
start to gain respect, put boundaries in place,
start to shift the dynamic, start to pivot,
because you need to stop the conditioning,
you need to start pivoting,
you need to start walking forward, not backwards,
because that's the only way
that you'll be able to start feeling your power,
start feeling more in control and
start being able to separate yourself from this person and
start being able to stop the whole crazy toxic situation and
be able to finally break free.
Because you soul knows,
those little whispers that you're hearing,
the fact that you found this episode,
whether you're listening to it on a podcast,
whether you're watching it here on YouTube,
wherever it is that you're consuming this right now,
you found this by divine intervention,
because your soul knows,
your soul said it’s time, the whispers came knocking and
your soul said it's not okay anymore.
Your soul knows that it was born for more,
that you were born for more and
it's waking up and realizing that it's time.
What we're gonna do now is,
I'm gonna give you some phrases that
you can start to use to shut down that gaslighting.
When they start to say things like,
“We had agreed this is how it was going to be, remember?”,
you're gonna say, “We remember things differently”.
You don't need to say it in a tone,
you don't need to say it loudly,
you don't need to scream,
you don't need to yell,
never put your emotions into it.
You just say we remember things differently.
Then, you can walk away
if they continue to speak to you in a manner
that has rage, that has anger, that is disrespectful.
You don't need to be in a situation where
you are going to continue to be disrespected.
If they scream, if they say, don't walk away from me,
you're walking away, that's disrespectful,
whatever it is, that's okay.
Because they are disrespecting you by screaming,
by yelling, by disrespecting, by devaluing,
by degrading, whatever it is,
to say I'm no longer engaging and walk away.
It's sort of the same thing as “We can agree to disagree”,
that old saying, we can agree to disagree.
It's something along those lines, you just say,
“I hear you and that wasn't my experience”,
or “That isn't my experience”,
something to that effect.
I do have a whole video by the way,
on words that destroy narcissists.
It's actually not exactly what you might think,
it's actually words that will very much permeate narcissist,
but help you maintain your own self respect,
I highly recommend that you check out that video.
If it gets too heated, if it gets too demanding,
if it gets too disrespectful,
if it gets to a point where it really is nothing but,
lying, denying, projection, deflection, full on interrupting,
rage, abuse or anything where you feel your safety is of concern,
walk away, absolutely get out of that conversation.
“I'm not interested in debating what happened with you”.
You can just say,
“I'm not gonna have this conversation with you,
we can talk about other things”.
You just let them know,
I'm not gonna have this conversation with you
if they will continue with a position that is clearly different
than the one that you know to be true.
In other words, let me just tell you this,
if you saw it with your eyes, or heard it with your ears,
just know that it happened, trust your senses.
I want you to start feeling that, I trust myself,
and start to feel like you're gonna believe it.
You can say things like, I'll speak to you about A and B,
but I'm not willing to speak to you about C,
or I'll speak to you about C,
but I'm not willing to speak to you about A and B,
or whatever it is.
You just have to be clear about
what you're gonna be willing to speak about.
Otherwise, you’re just gonna get into this conversation
that you just don't wanna be in.
In other words, you want to make sure that
you're making it clear to them,
you don't believe their lies anymore.
Don't go down the path,
don't allow them to lead you down the path.
So, I'll speak to you about A and B,
I’m not willing to speak to you about C or viceversa.
So, those are some ways that
you can start to shut down gaslighting immediately.
If you are struggling and dealing with a narcissist,
you do not have support and you need support and
you're struggling as far as community therapy,
I do have a partnership with BetterHelp online therapy.
If you are getting ready to negotiate with a narcissist,
you can go to crushmydeal.com and
get my free “Crush my negotiation” prep worksheet,
and grab my free e-book, it is totally amazing.
It has helped many thousands people win entire negotiations.
So, go to crushmydeal.com and
get your free e-book.
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make sure to subscribe to this channel,
hit that notification bell and
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Today is a great day to start negotiating your best life,
do not give in,
they only win if you give in and
you're not gonna do that
because there's so much support out there for you and
we are here for you.
Thank you for listening.
We will see you guys in the next video.