I have a question for you.
Answer me honestly.
Don't be ashamed of this question.
How many of you watched The Bachelor premiere last week?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[LAUGHS] Everyone complained because The Irishman
was three hours long.
And yet people sat and watched Peter talk
about windmill sex for three hours.
I'm not going to talk about The Bachelor yet.
I will talk about it.
But there's another show I want to talk about.
And that's this one.
Recently our show upset some people.
And here's what happened.
We were playing Holy Roller, you know the game
where you throw the ball trying to get it
through the little hole.
And I told the contestant if she missed it,
I'd kick her out of the audience.
And she missed it.
And, as a joke, I pretended to kick her out.
And people online thought it was real and felt bad for her.
So then we did this.
I feel bad that you missed the 12 Days.
So you're back now.
And you'll stay for today's giveaways, OK?
But one person is going to have to go because I need a seat.
Yeah.
You're ducking, in the red, next to the red right here.
Yeah, you.
What's your name?
Marianne.
What?
Marianne.
OK.
You're going to have to leave OK.
Take her seat.
OK.
It's all fixed.
OK.
Ah!
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
Now you can leave.
Sorry.
All right.
OK.
Well, she made it all the way here running,
and then falls down walking.
Thank you so much.
She-- I know you appreciate it.
No.
Thank you, Ellen!
You're welcome, Stella.
Bye.
Sorry.
OK.
So that was another joke.
But then we got comments like this.
"My heart hurts for the lady who left her seat for Stella.
She looked so sad.
Hope she gets to go back too."
She did not get to go back because that
wasn't a real audience member.
She was wearing a microphone.
That would've been a tip off, when someone's mic'd
in the audience.
I can't believe you thought that I would really kick someone
out.
I'm the one who says, "be kind" at the end
of every single show.
But this is a comedy show.
And sometimes we cast people to play characters
in the audience.
Sometimes I use my staff.
And sometimes we hire actors.
One time I hired Brad Pitt because he wasn't get any work.
And he was struggling and I threw him a bone.
Then he went and he just won a Golden Globe.
So I think he's back on his feet.
So we probably don't need to help him anymore.
But some people don't seem to understand that these are
jokes, that they're not real.
And someone showed me this.
When you Google me, here are the top questions that come up.
"How old is Ellen's daughter?"
"Who is Ellen's son?"
OK.
I'm shocked by this.
These are the first things that come up.
Years ago, we did a bit where I said that I had
a daughter named Rafter Yellow.
And that was an actress playing Rafter Yellow.
I don't have a daughter.
And then once I did a bit where I said I had a son.
This is not my real son.
Don't have a son.
That's my writer, Jason, who went to Harvard.
It's in his contract, I have to say
he went to Harvard every time I say his name.
Here's an easy way to tell if something I say is true.
If I say it's true like, this is true,
first you know that it's true because I said,
"this is true" except when it's not true and I say,
"this is true" just to be funny.
Then saying "this is true" is part of the joke,
even though it's not true.
Hey, Ellen.
I'm confused.
Yes, Man in the audience.
I don't-- I don't know what's real anymore.
Is this lady a character?
No, no.
She's an audience member.
What about that guy?
He's also an audience member.
Am-- am I real?
Well, you're reading from cue cards,
so I would say that that would be an indication that you're
not.
One way to be sure.
Are you wearing a mic?
Oh, God, no.
I'm not real.
My whole life is a lie!
Bye.
All right.
[APPLAUSE]
Rick, come back and take a bow.
They applauded for you.
That was a good--
yeah.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Yeah.
I look forward to the comments on this one.