-I joined Match.com because I want a successful man...
for intercourse.
I've had it before and I'd like it again.
♪♪
-I think I'm a pretty good catch,
so why can't I meet the right guy?
I've tried all the online dating apps, like Tinder,
OKCupid, and Match.com,
but I want to get married now.
That's why I joined the new online dating app Settl.
-There's nothing wrong with the men on Settl.
They're just normal guys with characteristics
I am now willing to overlook.
-I already bought my wedding dress, so I just needed a groom.
I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates.
That's how I met my Henry.
He may drive a smartcar, but he's a manager at Petco
and even has a 401(k).
We're getting married in April, which is before my sister.
-Settl isn't misleading like those other dating apps.
It's honest.
For example, men are only allowed to upload
their passport photos,
or ones of them pretending to hold
the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
That way, we can't focus on their looks.
Hi! -Sorry I'm late.
I don't have a car.
-Whatever.
-And they guaranteed a date because Settl won't allow us
to swipe left.
[ Dinging ]
-Because, remember, it's not giving up --
it's settling up.
[ Giggles ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Settl. Tick-tock.
-Would you like to have another glass of wine?
-Oh, no, thank you. I-I'm usually in bed by now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I joined Match.com because I'm a single mom.
-I'm new to the area.
-I'm a busy professional.
-I wanted to try something new.
-Match.com -- more dates and more relationships
than any other dating website.
And now, since she signed up this week,
more Martha Stewart.
-I joined Match.com because I want a successful man...
for intercourse.
I've had it before and I'd like it again.
-Match.com helps me find someone who shares my interests,
like dancing. -Karaoke.
-Sushi.
-Whimsical window eggs,
tiered macarons,
and of course, the simple elegance
of a good bang.
-Match.com -- the dating website
that knows exactly what you're looking for.
-I want a guy who's kind.
-Considerate. -Thoughtful.
-Rough like a rustic burlap wedding invitation.
-Handsome. -Smart.
-Someone with calloused hands and no debt.
-Someone who's silly.
-Someone who can work my body.
-So why join Match.com?
-Because it's fun. -Because it's easy.
-Because I'm Martha [bleep] Stewart.
I can do whatever I want.
-Love is just a click away,
so sign up today and meet the person of your dreams tonight.
♪♪
-Tonight's the night.
Just the two of you. No phones, no emails.
Just you and the one you love.
Time to tune out the world and tune into each other.
You've earned this moment,
and nothing is going to get in your way.
[ Dog whimpers ] Unless you own a dog.
-The dog is watching us.
-Ho-Ho. To your crate. -Crate.
-Ho-Ho to your crate. -Go to your crate.
-Ho-Ho to your crate. -Crate, Ho-Ho.
-Ho-Ho.
[ Dog barking ]
-Stop. He thinks you're attacking me.
-Okay, well, just put him in the laundry room.
-With his anxiety? Yeah, right.
-No, we're just talking, Lady Bug.
Everything's fine.
-Bud, go in the hall, we'll be three minutes.
-Three minutes?
-Don't let your fur baby ruin the intimate moment
you've waited for all week.
Now you don't have to, with "Pound Puppy,"
the furry dog costume big enough
for two people to have sex in.
[ Moaning ]
Once inside, you can go to town,
and your dog will just think there's a much larger dog
in the room with him.
With "Pound Puppy" you get the privacy you need,
and your dog has a new best friend.
Suitable for any style of love-making.
-[ Moaning ] -Ooh, yeah.
-Need to check on your dog?
Just use the mascot-style eyes.
-Ho-Ho's buying it. [ Barks ]
-I think it's working a little bit too well.
-So throw your dog -- and yourself -- a bone
with "Pound Puppy."
Your dog will smile while you doggy-style.
Available in the adult section of Petco.
♪♪
-Are you exhausted?
♪♪
Bone tired?
♪♪
Feeling overwhelmed?
♪♪
Sure. Everyone could use a little extra energy.
But you need it more than most,
because you're dating an actress.
-You're just jealous, Mother,
because Tommy loves me!
-Introducing 24-Hour Energy for Dating Actresses.
'Cause for her, all the world's a stage.
-I guess Mama was right about me!
I am cheap!
-Whether she's trying out a new accent for a part...
-I am a German woman.
I am a German woman.
-...or being told she didn't get the callback...
-[Bleep] my life!
No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
-...or that she did get the callback...
-They want to see me on Monday!
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
-Now you'll have the energy you need to tell her
she was great in that local commercial.
-Other blinds are too flimsy.
-[ Chuckles lightly ] Oh, man, I'd buy those blinds.
-Or hang out with her actor friends while they scream
show tunes in your face.
-Or even see her latest Off-Broadway performance.
-I'm scared. -That's funny.
You don't look scared.
-Oh. Hold me every night.
-So, go ahead, date that actress.
You can handle it.
-Bravo! [ Laughs ]
-Yes, yes.
And the award goes to you for good acting!
-And now for women,
24-Hour Energy for Dating Comedians.
-Hey, anybody need a stool sample?
[ Grunting ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪