Good evening, Rap News is back through again,
packing a fact-filled, truth laden Juice Bulletin
Today we cross to Russia, where the world's eyes have duly been fixed,
wondering who will win
a confusing, brutal, crucial and ruthless struggle betwixt sovereign states...
The Winter Olympics, and in the Olympic village
we have a live report from Ivan Sakamunev to bring us up to the minute.
- Ivan Sakamunev, in Sochi
- So the games have just finished?
- Da. But sense of unity and olympic spirit not diminished
This event has been great success,
no discontent, no boycott, no complaints, and no dogs...
it's the best.
Many strong straight athletes pit their strength
in manly figure skating, double-luge,
and we kept our ring clenched
- Sorry to interrupt, Ivan, but there's breaking news...
I hear that Russian troops are occupying the Ukrainian province of Crimea
- however it might appear, this is not to strike fear,
This is uh... the next fun sport event we organize here
- What do you mean? - Well. Now that Sochi fun time has finished
we launch whole new competition.
- The Paralympics? - No… more thrilling:
the Para-Military tournament
I present hero team captain Vladimir Putin
- Privet, dear friends, it is great honour, for me
to open officially Paramilitary Games in Sevastopol today
We have many very nice events to compete in
For example, patriotic flag waving...
- Russia winning
- Multiple naval base seige...
- first place Russian team.
- Sniper contest in Maidan Square, Kiev.
- That prize went to George Soros and NATO, I believe.
- Next match, which state got most nuclear weapons up its sleeve
- Russia have many nukes ...Ukraine: Zero.
- Wait, someone's calling in from Kiev
it’s Yulia Tymoshenko.
- I wish to make official complain against this rig’d game
The Kremlin break rules! - What?
- Vlad, let me explain:
- Ukraine agreed to give up its nuclear weapons
on condition that our borders are respected.
This sets a clear precedent, which will start nuclear arms race again!
- Ha. That race never ended. - Da... and Russia way ahead.
- Mr Putin, is time for main event.
- Which team has most access to gas fields and pipelines in Ukraine?
- This is a tight race still going on
we have close tie between team Exxon and team Gazprom
- You invaded Ukraine - Invited, Robert, we invite...
And now we have referendum, to let Crimean people decide.
Я хочу сильную Россию
- Sorry, I don't quite... - You cannot understand Russia with your mind.
- Errr ok, thank you Ivan and Vladimir Putin,
your coverage of these events seems balanced fair and neutral
Now, let's move to the Western Media for its take on this theme
stand by as we tune in to a dangerous frequency: mainstream TV.
- This is the News, I’m Brian Washington You're on MSMBS.
In the prime time slot for some uncompromising hard talk, Tonight’s headlies:
Huge Plane crash, three Americans die.
And in the Rest of the world: Hey, Rasputin!
Russia invades Ukraine and threatens to start shootin'
To explain the situation that's gotten very tense
we speak with Secretary of State, John Kerry... next
John, Welcome to Buck-Shot,
good to have you with me
- Bucky, let's be clear. Russia’s on the wrong side of history.
I mean, sending in ground troops to invade another country?
That’s not fitting for a superpower in this century.
- Yeah, they didn't use missile strikes, drone attacks, or
uranium shells or shock and awe massacres
- They've haven't even killed any people... - Amateurs.
- When we went into Iraq we left a million fatalities.
And Russia’s gone in on a completely trumped-up pretext.
- When you voted for Iraq to take the heat next
you had hard proof of WMD and that Saddam had hidden them
- And in Lybia we went in to "protect civilians".
We must defend the Rule of War... I mean... of Law.
- Well said. We’ll be back for more, after a message from our sponsor.
Your view of the world Bought from you by Chevron
- So, how will we liberate Ukraine's gas fields... I mean people?
- With sanctions, Bucky. We need to remind those Ruskies, and Putin's ass
that we’ll exploit all resources at our disposal - including gas.
- Sadly, Russians are so brainwashed by propaganda...
- They lack free speech laws and media standards
and they don't have open news networks like ours.
- Shyeah, I bet they're pushing hard for war.
Let's tune in for a sample:
- Get the camera started,
Breaking the Set, live on RT, setting the record straight...
this is Abby Martin, I roll with editorial control
and tonight I'm gonna speak direct from my heart then
What Russia did is wrong... military force is never the better option.
- Who’s this 'appara-chick' using free speech on the Kremlin News?
- This is not in script we meant to use, Now, I so confused,
- It's like the Cold War again, load the nukes!
- Abby, this your President... Crimea humanitarian intervention is so good
- I'm just telling it like I see it from my own view
last I checked that's what journalists were supposed to do?
- Is this sarcasm? - It’s having balls to show the truth.
Maybe more reporters and channels can grow some too.
- Well, that's about all the time we have left for inspecting
this latest war that's raging, not between military aggressors
but between their respective mass-media weapons,
which paint conflicts as games of good against evil,
when in fact, both sides are often equally mistaken.
Amid this frenzy in the media, one thing should remain clear
Lack of thinking, on our part, is the only true thing to fear.
So, until next broadcast, be sure to be critical of every News source that appears
‪including, of course, this one right here‬.