MY FIRST GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN WHOSE NEW SPECIAL IS
"JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN MULANEY!
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS )
SONG, YES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN LONG.
>> IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU, BESIDES THE FACT
YOU'RE FUNNY AND YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, EVERYBODY LOVES YOUR
STAND-UP SPECIALS.
YOU CAN WATCH THEM WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY.
>> THAT'S NICE.
>> Stephen: CAN'T YOU?
I'M NOT MISSING ANYTHING.
>> PEOPLE THAT SAY.
THEY GO, "YOU'RE VERY CLEAN."
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND I'M NOT, BUT -- >> Stephen: SOMETIMES DARK.
>> DARK, YEAH, THE DARKER RECESS OF HUMANITY.
I TRY NOT TO SWEAR, BUT I DO SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND I FOUND YOU CAN SWEAR IF YOU QUOTE SOMEONE.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN SAY THE FILTHIEST THING YOU EVER THOUGHT OF, PEOPLE GO,
"OH, HE SAID THAT TO YOU?" THEY NEVER ASSIGN THAT TO THE
SPEAKER.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> THAT IS HOW I'VE BECOME THE SEMIDIRTY CLEANEST COMIC IN THE
UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH" IS A
NETFLIX SPECIAL.
CAN PEOPLE SEE IT NOW OR DO THEY HAVE TO WAIT?
>> THEY CAN SEE IT NOW ON NETFLIX.
IT PREMIERED DECEMBER 24.
IT'S A COMEDY SPECIAL, STARRING ME AND 15 CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: YOU ALMOST NAMED IT "LATCH KEY KIDS."
>> YES, JOHN MULANEY AND THE LATCH KEY KIDS.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SURPRISED I KNEW THAT.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK OF THAT AS A PEJORATIVE TERM, A BAD
THING.
I WAS A LATCH KEY KID.
AND THAT MEANT YOU CAME HOME AND YOUR PARENTS WERE AT WORK AND
YOU HAD FUN, FREEDOM.
>> Stephen: IS THIS PERSON?" >> OH!
>> Stephen: IS THIS WHO WE'RE TALKING?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> REAL QUICK, THE HAIRCUT, THE FRONT BANGS, I WOKE UP WITH GUM
IN MY HAIR, AND THEN I TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND THAT'S MY
WORK RIGHT THERE, SNAPPED IT OFF.
>> Stephen: YOU DID THIS?
>> YEAH, DIMY OWN HAIR FOR THAT PHOTO.
>> Stephen: IT'S NICE.
>> I LOOKED REALLY CONFIDENT.
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY GOOD.
SHUUSE THIS AS YOUR HEAD SHOT.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S A COOL SHIRT, HONESTLY.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT WAS YOUR-- WHAT WAS YOUR FREEDOM LIKE WHEN
UPPER A LATCH KEY KID?
A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN?
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
>> I WOULD COME HOME, I'D WATCH, LIKE, "MAURY."
>> Stephen: FOUND OUT WHO THE FATHER WAS.
>> AND THE DRILL SERGEANT WITH THE TEENS.
THAT GUY WOULD COME OUT AND YOU WERE LIKE, "IS HE IN THE ARMY
FOR REAL?" A BAD TEEN WOULD BE ON, AND
THEY'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHAT MY MOM SAID."
AND A DRILL SERGEANT CAME OUT AND WOULD BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GOING
TO BE NICE TO YOUR MOTHER!" AND THEY WOULD CRY.
AND YOU'RE LIKE, IS THIS A MEMBER OF THE ARMED FORCE S.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET A LESSON FROM THAT, I SHOULD BE
NICE TO MY MOM?
>> I'M STILL NICE TO MY PARENTS.
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.
THEY ASKED ME TO ASK YOU THAT.
>> I ALWAYS-- I KNEW IT WAS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO BE-- ALWAYS
KEEP-- BE NICE TO THEM.
>> Stephen: AND DID YOU SEE THAT BY LOOKING AT YOUR OLDER
BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GOING, "OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE
THOSE MISTAKES?
>> NO, MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE LESS DRAWN TO TROUBLE THAN
I WAS.
I LIKE THE FLAME OF TROUBLE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE THE MOTH OF...
>> I WAS THE MOTH OF THE FAMILY.
( LAUGHTER )
BULB THAT WAS THE ALLURE OF DANGER.
>> Stephen: THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.
>> THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.
AND I WAS THE MOTH THAT WENT TOWARDS IT.
AS THEY-- AS THEY SAY IN THE LETTER TO THE POLITICALLIANS.
SO I WOULD SEE MY FRIENDS GET IN TROUBLE, AND I WAS LIKE, YOU
CAN'T GET BUSTED.
THAT'S BAD FOR BUSINESS.
>> Stephen: OH, SURE.
>> SO I COME IN AND SAY-- I STILL AM VERY OVERLY POLITE WITH
MY PARENTS TO A DEGREE.
I'M KIND OF LIKE A WAITER WHEN I SEE THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS EVENING?
YES, ALL RIGHT?
YI KNOW.
THANK YOU, I'M GLAD.
OKAY.
I WILL BE BACK WITH SOME BREAD RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
I TOOK OUR MOMS ON A TRIP FOR MOTHER'S DAY.
YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE WERE PULLED OVER PER
HAVING TOO MANY PASHMEANIAS IN ONE CAR.
THIRD DAY OF MY TRIP MY WIFE SAID, "YOU ACT FAKE AROUND YOUR
MOM."
AND I SAID, "YEAH."
AND SHE SAID, "WHY DO YOU DO THAT?"
AND I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO."
I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT FAKE AROUND ADULTS."
AND MY WIFE SAID, "YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD."
AND THEN SHE SAID, "SO THERE'S A FAKE YOU WITH YOUR PARENTS."
AND I SAID, "YES."
"AND THERE'S A FAKE YOU ON STAGE."
AND I SAID, "YES."
SEE ANNA SAID, "HOW I DO KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU IT'S THE REAL
YOU."
AND I SAID, "YOU DON'T."
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: HOW DID THAT GO OVER?
>> SO-- LET ME TELL YOU.
SHE-- SHE THOUGHT-- SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SHE THOUGHT A LITTLE
BIT AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR NINE
YEARS.
AND I THINK WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.
BUT YOU WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU."
AND THEN SHE-- NO, BUT I LIKE THIS-- "AND I WILL NEVER KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK OF ME."
AND I SAID, "YEAH, IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL."
AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S A HELL, IF THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE,
IF THERE'S A HELL, I THINK IT'S AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, AND YOU CAN
JUST LOOK UP WHAT NERVE YOUR LIFE THOUGHT OF YOU.
AND IF THERE'S A HEAVEN IT'S A WIKIPEDIA, AND YOU CAN JUST
CHANGE THAT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME.
DID YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING?
>>IMENTED WATER.
IS THIS YOURS?
>> Stephen: NO, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY YOURS.
I HAVE COFFEE OVER HERE.
>> YOU'RE DRINKING STRAIGHT-UP COFFEE.
>> Stephen: BLACK COFFEE, BABY DOLL.
FRESH CUP EVERY ACT.
>> A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE EVERY ACT?
>> Stephen: JUST A COUPLE OF SIPS.
IT CLEANSES THE PAL AT AND LIGHTENS THE MIND.
JUST WATER?
>> JUST WATER FOR ME AND TREMENDOUS ANXIETY, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY?
>> I DO HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY
EVER TRULY KNOW YOU.
>> OH!
( LAUGHTER )
QUESTION.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> IS IT OKAY IF I TAKE TIME-- I KNOW WE'RE ON A NETWORK --
>> Stephen: I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE RIGHT HERE.
JUST GIVE ME 15 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, JIMMY.
>> OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHILE WE WAIT FOR AN ANSWER, A REMINDER TO OUR
AUDIENCE, JOHN MULANEY HAS BEEN ASKED THE QUESTION, "IS YOUR
ANXIETY WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU?"
( LAUGHTER )
BE FUNNY FOR THE ADULTS.
I MEAN, MY MOM SAID, "WHEN YOU WERE A BABY, YOU USED TO POKE
YOUR HEAD OUT OF BLANKETS."
AND SHE SAID, "IT WAS LIKE YOU KNEW HOW TO BE CUTE."
SHE DID SAY IT FLAITERRINGLY.
SHE SAID, "IT'S WEIRD, IT'S LIKE YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING."
I THINK I FEEL I HAVE TO PROVIDE THAT IN ORDER FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE
ME.
THEN, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE IDEA OF WOULD THEY LIKE ME JUST AS ME
WITHOUT POKING OUT OF THE BLANKET, METAPHORICALLY, IS A
REAL THOUGHT OR CONCERN.
>> Stephen: FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, MR. MULLANEY.
( LAUGHTER )
MR. MULLANEY.
AT THE CRUX OF YOUR ANSWER IS THE NEED TO BE LIKED.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET TO A STAGE WHERE
YOU CAN BE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY LIKE YOU
OR NOT?
>> UM, I DON'T MEAN TO TURN IT ON YOU, BUT --
>> Stephen: BUT.
>> HOW-- MAY I-- HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU AT IN YOUR PROCESS IN-- OR DO YOU HAVE A
PROCESS IN TERMS OF BEING IN THE PUBLIC EYE, BEING VERY FUNNY,
AND COMING HOME AND FACING STEPHEN IN THE MIRROR?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERS )
KNOW.
( SIGHS ) >> Stephen: I HAVE GOTTEN TO A
PLACE WHERE I DON'T WANT A LOT FROM THE AUDIENCE OTHER THAN TO
MAKE THEM LAUGH AND TO MAKE A CONNECTION THAT MY INTERNAL
ANXIETIES, AS I EXPRESS THEM EXTERNALLY THROUGH THE JOKE,
WHEN IT MAKES THEM LAUGH, I HAVE THE SENSE OF CAMARADERIE AND
COMMUNITY THAT I'M NOT CRAZY TO FEEL THIS WAY, BECAUSE THEY
WOULDN'T LAUGH UNLESS THEY RECOGNIZED IT IT IN SOMEBODY
ELSE.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IT MIGHT BE ANXIETY ABOUT LIFE OR DEATH OR
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN THE NEWS.
AND SO THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO I KNOW DON'T LIKE
ME.
BECAUSE OF THE SOMETIMES-DIVISIVE NATURE OF THE
JOKES THEY MAKE.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> RIGHT.
THAT FEELS PERSONAL.
>> Stephen: WILL IF YOU KNOW THAT'S HAPPENING-- NO, WHAT
FEELS PERSONAL IS THE CONNECTION I MAKE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO DO
APPRECIATE THE JOKES.
AND BEYOND, THAT I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, AND I WISH NO ONE HARM.
AND IF SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO, I DON'T LIKE THAT,
BUT IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
>> WOW, THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A-- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A
GREAT STATE TO BE IN.
>> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
>> THAT'S VERY GOOD, YEAH.
I THINK I AM COMING OUT OF A FAZE WHERE-- DO YOU KNOW THE
VELVET UNDERGROUND SONG "I'LL BE YOUR MIRROR"?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> I THINK IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG.
I REALIZED LISTENING TO IT, NO ONE ELSE CAN BE YOUR MIRROR.
YOU JUST HAVE TO NOT GO OFF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU TO BE
WHAT YOU ARE.
AND THIS-- I DON'T MEAN TO WEDGE IN TO THE THING I JUST WORKED
ON, BUT I WAS WORKING WITH THESE KIDS AGES 8-13, AND I THOUGHT
OH, I REMEMBER BEING THAT AGE, AND THAT IS THE STATE I WOULD
LIKE TO BE IN.
BECAUSE THEY WERE VERY KIND.
THEY WERE VERY THOUGHTFUL.
AND THEY ALSO KNEW THAT THEY HAD NO CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES AT
ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE CHILDREN.
AND THEY WOULD SAY-- ONE KID SAID TO ME, "YOU KNOW, MY MOM
GETS REALLY MAD WHEN I GET BELOW A 90 ON A TEST."
I SAID A 90 IS GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER TO BACK OFF?"
YOU KNOW.
AND HE SAID, "BECAUSE IF I DID THAT, I'D BE TOAST."
AND I THOUGHT, RIGHT.
YOU'RE A PERSON, LIKE ME, YOUR FEELINGS ARE THE SAME.
THEY HAVE THE SAME VALIDITY.
BUT YOU KNOW THAT PEOPLE GO, "YOU'RE GOING TO KARATE CLASS
NOW!" AND THEN YOU'RE IN KARATE ALL OF
A SUDDEN.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> RIGHT?
I THOUGHT FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS I COULD CONTROL THE KARATE
CLASSES OF MY LIFE.
BUT YOU CANNOT, NOT EVEN AS AN ADULT, NOT EVEN AT AGE 37 IF
YOU'RE ME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
>> YOU STILL WILL SOMETIMES BE SHOVED INTO A CAR AND TOLD THAT
YOU'RE TAKING BALLROOM DANCING.
( LAUGHTER )
BALLROOM DANCING?
>> I TOOK-- I TOOK BALLROOM DANCING FOR MY WEDDING.
BOTH MY BROTHER AND SISTER TOOK IT WHEN THEY WERE 10 AND 11, I
BELIEVE.
DID YOU GO TOICA TILLIONS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: I DID.
>> AND DID YOU LEARN BALLROOM DANCING FOR THEM.
>> Stephen: I DID.
>> AND DO YOU STILL KNOW IT.
>> Stephen: I DO.
>> I WOULD SAY IF I GAVE A SPEECH TO HOOLERS-- AND NO ONE
IS ASKING FOR THIS-- I WOULD SAY, "YOUNG MEN, LEARN HOW TO
DANCE."
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE UNTIL-- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW
TO BALLROOM DANCE UNTIL I WAS 33.
AND THE WORST DANCER AT A WEDDING IS THE ONE WHO'S NOT
DANCING.
SO LEARN HOW TO BALLROOM DANCE.
THAT WOULD BE MY WHOLE SPEECH TO GRADUATES, IF I GAVE ONE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THE WORST DANCER AT A WEDDING IS THE ONE WHO IS
NOT DANCING.
YOU MIS100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THE GUY WHO SAYS, "I'M GOING TO DRINK COFFEE FOR AN HOUR WHILE
EVERYONE IS DANCING."
JUST LEARN A BOX STEP AND GET OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
I HOPE YOU'LL STICK AROUND.
I'D LIKE TO BE BACK WITH MORE JOHN MULANEY.