﻿Hey guys, I’m Kya and I know I’m human.
I mean, if I was a shapeshifting alien hell-bent on infecting Earth,
why would I host a video about how to exterminate the most famous example of my species?
Anyone could be the Thing,
the mailman, the President, and yes, even your favorite YouTubers.
And until their bodies split open into a million teeth and tentacles,
all you can do is watch your back,
gas your flamethrower,
and throw back some scotch as we tell you
How to Kill the Thing
Of course, you won’t be able to kill the alien invader if you become it,
so the first rule of survival is, obviously,
Trust No One
Seriously.
The adorable little dog that’s romping in the snow?
Murderous, acid-spitting death blossom.
That nice old man from the diabetes commercials?
I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes about diabetes.
Giant, horrific, tentacle monster.
I was scared to death, experiencing symptoms that were strange...
For instance I had an unquenchable thirst...
Even Keith David can’t be trusted.
That’s because the Thing isn’t really a thing,
it’s more like a virus.
Now how's this thing wake up after thousands of years in the ice?
And how can it look like a dog?
'Cause it's different than us, see? It's from outer space. What do you want from me? Ask him!
Once a single particle infects you,
it slowly consumes all of your cells until you’re assimilated and replaced as a walking, talking perfect replica.
We don’t exactly know how smart the Thing clones are,
if the victims are even aware that they’re alien copies,
or if they’re just pretending to be human as a self-defense mechanism.
If I was a perfect imitation, how would you know if it was really me?
Either way, when they’re exposed,
they drop the act and transform into mindless, disgusting gore monsters.
There are a few ways to find out a Thing’s true nature.
so if your friends suddenly lose their fillings or favorite pieces of jewelry,
start steering them towards the nearest open flame.
Just get in the oven. Why? Don't ask questions, just get in there.
The best known detection is the blood test.
You could compare everyone’s blood to pre-exposure samples,
but even if you just happen to be keeping bags of all your friends’ blood around,
y’know, for a rainy day, or secret Santa,
odds are the Thing will destroy them before you can expose its secret.
That leaves plan B.
Every single Thing cell is its own autonomous organism,
with it’s own intelligence and self-preservation response.
That means, if you stick a red hot needle into an infected blood sample,
it’ll shriek and jump out of the petri dish,
and force a confrontation with your former friend.
So, once they’re exposed,
how can you possibly destroy a being that can survive on a cellular level?
Your only option is to
Kill It With Fire
Seriously, that’s it.
You can’t freeze the Thing,
it’ll just hibernate for thousands of years waiting for a bunch of Norwegians to thaw it out.
You can’t stab it or chop it up because every single molecule in its body is it’s own independent organism.
It’s arm can just slide off and become a nightmare centipede with a toothy mouth,
and it’s decapitated head can just sprout a bunch of spider legs and sneak away,
while you’re dealing with its other head.
Work the flamethrower, bruh.
Guns don’t work either,
in fact, if you shoot someone and they stay down,
that means you messed up and killed one of the only humans left in your group.
They're DEAD, Mac!
That's a hard way to find out.
There’s only one exception to this rule.
In the 2002 video game,
There are teeny little Things called ‘scuttlers’ that can be put down with small arms fire,
but you can probably chalk that up to the fact that it’d be a pretty boring game if you could just kill everything by holding down the flamethrower button.
Still, fire is your friend,
and when it comes to torching Things,
you have a few options.
You can douse them in kerosene and toss a lit flare,
throw a few thermite grenades,
and when all else fails,
there’s always dynamite.
Yeah. forget you too!
Boom goes the dynamite.
Just be careful with the plunger.
But for ease and convenience, you can’t beat a flamethrower.
Nothing stops a Thing dead in its tracks like a stream of fiery napalm,
and lucky for you,
there seems to be an unusual abundance of flamethrowers just lying around the arctic wastes.
Mac wants the flamethrower.
Mac wants the what?!
That's what he said, now move!
I guess it’s for melting ice,
but I mean, have you tried salt?
Still, I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth,
just be mindful of burning it properly.
For one thing,
it’s smart enough to try and extinguish the flames,
so keep pumping the gas until you’re dead sure it’s dead.
Even if it looks like burnt toast,
some of the Thing’s particles could have survived.
Like the two-headed Thing from the beginning of the first movie,
MacReady, there is still cellular activity in these burnt remains. They're not dead yet.
it looks pretty harmless after Ramona Flowers roasted it.
Gross, yes, but harmless.
But when MacReady and his crew bring it back to their base,
and dissect it,
it still comes back to life and assimilates poor Bennings.
You shouldn’t breathe easy until the Thing is ashes,
and even then, I wouldn’t breathe too hard,
because some of it’s cells might still be floating around,
just waiting to turn you into a gooey dog spider.
Now, if you can’t stand the heat,
or your flamethrower’s out of fuel,
You have one more option,
depending on the type of Thing you’re dealing with.
If you’re old-school, you can take it down with some
Electricity
John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing,’ was a remake of a 1951 movie called ‘The Thing From Another World,’
which was based on a short story by John Campbell called ‘Who Goes There?’
In the ‘50s version, the titular Thing doesn’t change shape or imitate people,
it’s just a really tall bald guy with claws.
Well, these claws ain't just fer attractin' mates!
The film reveals that the creature is actually an alien plant,
Just a minute, doctor. It sounds like you're trying to describe a vegetable.
they actually refer to it as ‘ some kind of super carrot.’
That's nearly right, Mr. Scott.
It needs blood to survive, and, even though it’s Antarctica, The Thing has a hard time replicating inorganic material, It needs blood to survive, and, even though it’s Antarctica,
there’s plenty of it around.
Our heroes tried the usual tactics,
siccing the dogs, shooting it,
and burning it with kerosene,
but that only vexes the vicious vegetable.
The Thing is only defeated when the scientists set a trap in the generator room,
and electrocute the evil eggplant.
Aw, that's enough, turn it off!
Let it go! We don't want any part of it left!
The terrifying turnip is a lot tamer than Carpenter’s version,
but the ‘82 Thing actually might have the same weakness.
When Norris,
or rather, the Thing pretending to be Norris,
suffers a heart attack,
Dr. Copper shocks it with a defibrillator.
The Norris-Thing doesn’t respond well to the electric current,
and blows its cover in the goriest way possible.
We don’t really know if it’s lashing out in self-defense,
or if it just chose the scariest moment possible to bite off some arms,
but if your back is against the wall and your flame is flickering,
electrocution might be an option.
No matter how you plan to kill it,
just make sure you do it right.
This Thing is smart enough to build a spaceship out of spare parts,
but if even one cell makes it back to the mainland,
humanity is gonna get a whole lot uglier.
So even if you do manage to kill the Thing,
kill it again just to be sure,
and even when you’re done,
Watch the skies. Everywhere. Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!
Thanks for watching guys,
I want to know what your favorite Thing transformation is.
Do you like the dog? The supersized version?
My favorite, obviously, is the cute little antenna spider head.
Leave a comment, let me know yours,
And as always, Please subscribe to NowThis Nerd.