Hi, I'm Ava!
-It's so nice to meet-- -Sit. Sit.
You know, I've actually never been to Vegas.
Do you ever get used to this heat?
Yes.
So, Jimmy tells me that you're a very talented--
Let go of it! Mom! Mom! They're bring insane,
they're not letting me leave.
Sorry, apparently she won't let Josefina see.
-(SCOFFS) -(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, my God! There's nothing in here.
Give.
Fine.
You see the shit I gotta put up with?
Unbelievable.
They're antibiotics. I got a fucking UTI, okay?
Everybody? I'm so sorry
I didn't feel like broadcasting to the whole world,
but you got me! You got me, detectives,
I need relief for my horrific urethra pain, okay?
-Everybody happy now? -Not happy, no.
I'm glad to see you're... getting your fluids, sweetheart.
You'll have to excuse her. She has a UTI.
Oh, and her father just died.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Me? Thrilled.
So why are you here?
Oh, well, obviously, it would be a huge honor
to work with someone like you who's been working
so... successfully for so long. I mean you're... a legend.
-Wow, a legend. -Yeah.
-So you're a fan. -I mean, of course.
Would I be here if I wasn't?
What's your favorite joke of mine?
Man, you know... that's so hard.
Well it shouldn't be. I've written over 30,000
just pick one.
Uh... You know what?
I would have to say that your TV show
is my personal favorite thing that you've ever done.
You mean my sitcom from 1973?
-You've seen it? -Oh, yeah.
I mean I... Yeah, I've seen... um, clips.
Clips?
Wonderful.
Uh, yeah, well... you know, a lot
of the actors on the show that I most recently worked on
were stand-ups.
You know, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't work with writers.
-You don't? -No, Jimmy sent you
against my wishes. -(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna kill him.
No, I'm gonna kill him.
Great, well, this sucks.
Yeah, it sucks.
Oh, well, at least you didn't waste
too much time researching me.
I'm sorry, did I-- Did I do something
to offend you?
Other than walk those chimney sweep boots
on my silk rug? No.
Sorry, I... I didn't realize
it was a shoes-off situation.
Well it's shoe-dependent.
Thank you for your time.
Good luck with your career, honey.
-Fucking bitch. -Excuse me?
Do you have something else to say?
Yeah.
You've just been pretty rude and I dropped everything
to come here.
Oh, Christ. Oh, you want a gold star
just for showing up?
Kinda, yeah, because you're right.
I'm not a fan of yours. You caught me.
This is all just a little fucking annoying
because I flew all the way here on Spirit fucking Airlines,
even though I don't want this job in the first place.
I mean the last thing on earth
I want to do is move to the desert
to write some lame jokes for an old hack.
I think you better leave.
-Yeah. -Can I show you to the door?
Or do I have to go back up the chimney?
Oh, no, I know my way out. By the way,
so cool they let you move in to a Cheesecake Factory.
Oh, is that where you wait tables?
That seems like a better fit.
Oh, yeah, I agree, you classist monster.
I'd rather slang bang bang chicken and shrimp all day
than work here. I mean, fuck!
What is this, 50 tassels on one couch?
Even Liberace would think it's a bit much.
Oh, no, you're incorrect. He actually loved it.
He did poppers on that couch in '85.
Cool. I'm glad Liberace's butthole
was nice and loose in your house.
Maybe you should've joined him, since yours is obviously
tight as fuck.
Oh, hey, before I leave. Did you want
to inspect my bag? Maybe I should just piss
in a cup. But, you know what,
I'm gonna go ahead, I'm just gonna leave
a stool sample on your lawn.
(CHUCKLES)