♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THE SIDEWINDER, LEE MARVIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JON, WHEN Y'ALL PLAY THE SIDEWINDER, THAT'S A PARTY I
WANT TO GO TO, I WANT TO BE INVITED TO THAT PARTY IN 19 --
WHEN WAS.
>> Jon: '63.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY AND HEARING THAT SONG,
EVERYBODY HEARING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHAT PARTY I WANT TO GO TO TONIGHT
BECAUSE JENNIFER JENNIFER IS GOING TO BE HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M HAPPY AND GRATEFUL FOR ANY
OF OUR GUESTS P WHO COME OUT OF HERE.
WE GOT A TASTE OF JENNIFER'S PERFORMANCE IN REHEARSAL TODAY,
AND THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BRING IN STRUCTURAL ENGINEERS
INTO THIS BUILDING TO MAKE SURE THIS DWELLING IS SAFE AFTER THIS
PERFORMANCE BECAUSE SHE'S GOING TO RIP THE ROOF OFF THIS PLACE.
WE MIGHT HAVE TO SHUT DOWN.
THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST SHOW TONIGHT.
>> Jon: RIGHT, WE MIGHT HAVE TOCLOSE OUT AFTER THIS.
>> Stephen: LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE PRECISELY
MEASURING THE NEWS' INSEAM, SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL IMPORTED MERINO STORY WOOL, AND THEN HAND-STITCHING IT
WITH JOKES TO CREATE THE BESPOKE, DOUBLE-BREASTED SAVILE
ROW CURRENT EVENTS SUIT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I LIKE TO GATHER UP SOME USED
BURLAP FROM BEHIND THE MEAT-PACKING PLANT, DRAPE IT
OVER AN ABANDONED MANNEQUIN AT OLD MAN JENKINS' BURNED-DOWN
DRESS FACTORY, AND SEW IT ALL TOGETHER WITH SHOESTRINGS AND A
STAPLE GUN, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE HAUNTED POTATO-SACK
SCARECROW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A PARK HORSE OF ENTERTAINMENT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: A MOUNTAIN.
PRESIDENTS A MOUNTAIN.
>> Stephen: OF POTENTIAL CASES.
"MEANWHILE!" -- SCIENTISTS SAY A PREHISTORIC LION CUB DISCOVERED
IN SIBERIA IS THE BEST PRESERVED ICE AGE ANIMAL EVER FOUND.
SORRY, CLINT EASTWOOD.
YOU'RE OUT OF THE TOP SLOT.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, NEW YORK ISN'T THE
ONLY STATE WITH A BIG GUBERNATORIAL SEX SCANDAL,
BECAUSE A UTAH RESIDENT IS DEMANDING GOVERNOR SPENCER COX
CHANGE HIS "OBSCENE" LAST NAME, WRITING, "I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU
KNOW THIS, BUT WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOUR SURNAME IT SOUNDS LIKE THE
WORD ( BLEEP ).
IT'S OBSCENE!
US DECENT PEOPLE HERE IN UTAH WILL NOT STAND FOR IT."
"WHEN I HEAR YOUR NAME, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS PENISES.
ALSO, WHEN I LOOK AT TALL BUILDINGS, CUCUMBERS, KETCHUP
BOTTLES, THOSE CLICKY PENS WITH FOUR DIFFERENT COLORS.
IT'S NOT LIKE GENERATIONS OF SEXUAL REPRESSION HAVE TAINTED
ME-- OH, NO!
I SAID 'TAINT!' I'LL SEE MYSELF OUT.
GOOD DAY, SIR!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"MEANWHILE!" -- OH, STILL THE SAME STORY.
I WAS SURE I WAS MOVING ON.
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, WHOEVER THIS IS CLEARLY
DOESN'T KNOW THEIR OWN STATE'S HISTORY OF ACTUAL UTAH
GOVERNORS, LIKE ALFRED CUMMING STEPHEN S. HARDING
GEORGE LEMUEL WOODS NORMAN H. BANGERTER, AND
LANCE R. SEX-PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, IN COFFEE NEWS, DUE
TO RISING BEAN COSTS, STARBUCKS SAYS THEY COULD INCREASE PRICES.
WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT MY $9 LATTE MIGHT BECOME...
EXPENSIVE?
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN FOOD NEWS, THE
FALL PUMPKIN MENU AT DUNKIN' WILL LAUNCH EARLIER THAN EVER
BEFORE: FEATURING PUMPKIN-FLAVORED MUFFINS, APPLE
CIDER DONUTS, AND, OF COURSE, PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES, ALL
AVAILABLE STARTING AUGUST 18.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND IN 95-DEGREE HEAT, YOU
KNOW WHAT REALLY HITS THE SPOT?
SPICY STEAMED MILK.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, A RESEARCH VESSEL
EXPLORING MORE THAN A MILE UNDER THE SURFACE OF THE ATLANTIC
OCEAN MADE A SURPRISING DISCOVERY: A SPONGE THAT LOOKED
LIKE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, AND RIGHT NEXT TO IT, A PINK SEA
STAR THAT RESEMBLED PATRICK, SPONGEBOB'S BEST FRIEND.
HERE'S A LOOK.
WOW!
( APPLAUSE ) THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THEM!
ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK WE CAN SHOW THAT ON CBS.
JIM?
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "MOST KITTENS SEE
THEIR OWNERS AS PARENTS, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND."
OKAY?
SO EVERYONE, STOP COMPLAINING WHEN I'M BREASTFEEDING MY CAT.
WE'RE NOT WEIRD.
YOU'RE WEIRD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JENNIFER HUDSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪