"I ain't got nothing on me!"
Think that's all I can tell you for now.
I'm going to er, see a man about a horse. Know what I mean?
Alright. Cockney rhyming slang. First, What is a cockney?
A true Cockney is someone born within the sound of Bow Bells which is St. Mary-Le-Bow church and east London.
Ding.
Ding!
Now of course Cockney's spread to other parts of England, not just London
Essex, Luton, Leighton Buzzard, to...
They're all shitholes
So why don't you join us for a cuppa Rosey
Put up your plates of meat
"Plates of meat". It means your "feet"
My plates of meat
Look lovely
You should look at his plates of meat they look like Hobbit's feet!
Yeah alright, Jon! Alright!
You'll have to forgive my brother, he's a bit strange
Look, I'll teach you how to use the Cockney rhyming slang,
and how to speak like a Cockney,
He'll just...
I don't know what he'll do. He's off his rocker.
"So unless we intend to do this job in Reno, we're in Barney!"
"Barney Rubble"
"TROUBLE!"
Alright, what do you think of him?
He ain't a Cockney!
He was in Iron Man!
Now, I know what you're thinkin'
Why speak in this strange way?
Why change words unnecessarily?
Well back in the day, street traders and criminals used to disguise what they were talking about
You wanna avoid the coppers,
You gotta be smart, get creative
For example, take a word like "look"
We replace that word with a short phrase of two or three words
But that last word must rhyme with the original word.
But then to make it more of a code,
We usually just say the first word of that short phrase.
So, for example:
If I wanted to say "Let me have a look"
in Cockney rhyming slang
I'd say "Let me have a butcher's"
Another example:
If you wanna get your hair cut,
"Hair" rhymes with "Barnet Fayre"
So you could say, in Cockney rhyming slang:
"Get your Barnet Fayre cut"
Wouldn't say that though, would ya?
Ay!?
You'd only say the first word
You just said so
"Barnet!"
"Get your Barnet cut!"
Tell them correctly, or don't do it at all, Jason!
It's very easy, you have to do it right!
Yeah he's right, you would just say the first word usually,
But!
That isn't always the way we use Cockney rhyming slang
For example:
What rhymes with "Lie"?
"Pork pie"
Right, with this one, "Pork pie"
"Pie" rhymes with "Lie"
But we don't simply say "Porks"
We say "Porkies"
You tellin' me porkies!?
What other ones are there?
"Eve"'s the last word
Rhymes with "Believe"
and it's become known as the word to mean "Believe"
But with this,
You can't just say "I don't Adam it"
That would be crazy
You have to use the whole phrase
If you tell me porkies,
I won't Adam and Eve it!
What else is there?
Just remember, alright
There are two different types:
Some that you can break to just the first word of the phrase
Others you have to use the whole phrase
These examples you can break to just the first word of the phrase
Would you like a cuppa rosey, me old china?
"Cuppa rosey"
I ain't got a trouble
Went out for a Ruby last night
You got some nice Hampsteads there!
You're havin' a bubble!
You're talkin' a load of cobbler's
It's not "bubble" it's "giraffe". You're havin' a "giraffe"
Alright, stop rabbiting on, yeah?
Right, these ones we usually say as a whole phrase
Can someone get me a dog and bone
Where's your missus? She's up the apples and pears!
Oy! Have you half-inched my shoes?
Maybe
You tea leaf!
You're lookin' a bit dirty mate, you ain't washed your boat race!
Can we go get a Ruby please, Jason? I am Hank Marvin'
Got a Lady Godiva I could borrow?
Alright! That's enough! That's enough!
Jon! Can't say that on this!
However, Cockney rhyming slang nowadays we don't really use it
It seems antiquated now
We only use it in jest really
Also if you wanted to,
You don't have to just use these ones, you can make up your own
Well it appears it's time for a test
I hope you were paying attention to all that, cos if you weren't,
I'll look you right in your mince pies,
Smash all your Hampsteads
Then I'll break both your bacons, and probably your loaf n' all
Then you'll be in some right Barney, won't ya!
Are you ready?
"Don't tell me any porkies!"
What's a cup of rosey?
What are your "Hampsteads"?
"Get your Barnet cut" What's that?
You ain't got no hair to cut, Jason
Jon, stop! Alright?!
Calm down
I'm sorry for rabbiting on, Jason, but you're being a berk
Gotta calm it down mate, sometimes you just go too far. You know what I mean?